15 Awkward Confessions From People Getting Caught Masturbating
Party of... one?
WeHeartIt Masturbation: it’s what’s for dinner.
Just kidding, just kidding. That’s not how I’m actually starting this article, though I’ll be real, if I’d been tasked with a project on masturbation at the tender age of say 12, I can see such an opener as being a very real and sincere attempt at humor, and for that, I am fond of little Becca.
I didn’t start masturbating until I was in my 20s. I know, shocking news from a pervert like me. You won’t be surprised to learn that once I started masturbating (finally) it was pretty hard to get me to stop. A regular sex fiend was born. Suffice to say, I’ve been caught masturbating in more ways than you can imagine and by a vast array of people.
I’m not alone, either.
There’s a reason that so much porn involves hot and heavy sex stories about being caught masturbating.
Everybody has a sex story or two about being caught in the act of masturbation, so it’s clear that this is a porn trope for a reason. Surely you and your friends have swapped (erotic) stories over or a glass (or seven) of white wine about all the times you’ve been caught masturbating.
Only I bet in these instances it isn’t like, your sister’s sexy boyfriend or your sorority sister who catches you masturbating… it’s usually like, your mom or something, God help us all.
Isn’t it about time we took some of the sting out of these tales by hearing the stories of other people getting caught masturbating?
Schadenfreude: because it is actually what’s for dinner.
So please enjoy these 15 real sex stories about people who were caught masturbating. The identities of these sex freaks (my own included) have been concealed to hide the SHAME.
- "My mom busted into the room when I was masturbating once while watching an old episode of Cheers. Luckily, I had my vibe on under the covers so while the noise blasted away we both got to pretend it wasn’t happening."
- "When I started masturbating, I wrote it in my diary (because there was no way that was going to bite me in the ass, right) and my mom found it while she was cleaning my room. Talk about awkward."
- "Not quite in the act, but one day I was awakened by my aunt and she remarked on the unusual position of my hand... I had been jilling off and had fallen asleep with my hand still inside my panties. Talk about awkward."
- "I was around 9 or 10 and had just started "exploring" when it comes to sex stuff. So after a shower, I would sit on the toilet cover right across from the tub and just poke around. One time, my mother does the "I knocked one time so I'm coming in" to see if I'm done. With my feet still perched on the tub and my legs spread open, I stare wide-eyed at her and immediately grab the crossword puzzle next to me on the counter. She said oops and closed the door. I think she knew, partly because I wasn't even holding a pen for the crossword."
- "I was 16. Mom randomly decides to open my door and turn on the light in the middle of the night. Also, I should mention that it was a warm summer night, so I wasn't covered by blankets. That was so awkward... She came back like 15 minutes later and gives me the talk on how its normal to do that and everyone does it."
- "A few years back my family hosted an exchange student and I had to share my room with her. I ended up with very little privacy so whenever she was gone, I'd take the opportunity to have a bit of happy time. I thought she was out one pretty sunny day so I got right to it, and she walked in about 10 minutes later to witness me half naked, legs spread and going at it fervently on my bed. Yeah, we didn't talk much after and I opted to sleep on the couch the rest of that year."
- "When I first discovered masturbating, I did it ALL THE TIME. Weird thing is, I can't have multiple orgasms, so I have a refractory period of sorts. I have one, immediately want to fall asleep, and can't go at it again for at least 15 minutes. So, when I first started, I would go at it like 3-5 times a day, just disappearing into my room, orgasming, then taking mini-naps. Rinse and repeat. Somewhere along the line I think my mom caught wind of what was going on. One day she was knocking on my door (I didn't have a lock) and she got the usual frantic, "Give me a second!" She said, "Are you masturbating?" I said no but... she knew. She knew."
- "I was sharing a room with a male colleague and couldn't get to sleep. Looked over to his bed and saw that he was sound asleep. Stuck my hand under the blankets and started flicking the bean, about 10 minutes later I was getting right into it and I heard, "Do you want a hand with that?" Turns out he wasn't asleep... as I am really good at dealing with awkward situations, I did the only logical thing, squealed and fell out of the bed, panties still around my ankles."
- "I taught my wife how to orgasm. Once she learned how to do it she was like a 15 (year old) male. I caught her a few times. No big deal. She has caught me more."
- "I was once caught by my younger brother when I was about 15. It was late at night, and as per my usual routine, I started getting busy once everyone was asleep. I was mid-orgasm when my brother walked into my room without knocking. He asked me if I was crying (the lights were out, so he could only hear me). I naturally started to fake cry, and made up a reason for my sadness. To this day, I don't know if he knows what he actually walked in on."
- "I drive a tractor trailer and at least twice a year I look down in traffic and see a woman using a vibrator on her morning commute."
- "Driving home from work one day and got stuck in a major backup due to an accident down the road. So to make time go by a little bit better, hiked up my skirt a bit and started going to town. Don't know how long I was going at it, but I heard someone knocking on the glass to see if my car was alright because traffic had cleared up and I was blocking a lane."
- "My friend was studying abroad in Peru. Let's call her Katie. For some reason, she decided she wanted to go tanning (she's a New Jersey native, so I guess it's not unusual). She goes to this tanning salon, gets undressed, and lies down full enclosed in the tanning bed. After a while, she got bored and started to just haphazardly touch herself. A few seconds later she hears the voice of the women who runs the tanning salon over some kind of speaker system yell (in Spanish, I assume) "Katie! No, no — hands to your sides!" My friend was mortified. She's still not sure how the woman knew — some kind of camera in the tanning booth? Creepy. The worst part was that she'd already paid for like four more appointments upfront and so had to keep coming back."
- "My husband, before he was my husband, walked in on me in the shower with the shower wand. A huge grin washed over his face and he said, "Need help?" I asked him to marry me shortly after that accidental discovery."
- "When I was about 12, we used to have to go visit our great aunt in the nursing home. She lived in a dormitory-style room with seven other senescent roommates, one of whom was an 80-something woman who would sit in a wheelchair with her hands under a blanket, panting and moaning. My older brother later told me she was flicking the raisin."