Self, Sex

4 Things You Can Learn From A Master Of Sexting

sexting, naked selfies and dick pics

Sexting. I think at this point a lot of us do it and it’s one of those things that I’ve realized people assume I must, because of my work, be a rock star at, so today I’m going to get real with you about sexting and give you some advice, some reassurance and maybe even make a confession or two.

So, here goes. Let’s talk about sexts, baby!

Fine. I will admit, there ARE some parts I can be frighteningly good at.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m a writer, or if it’s my background in theater, or if I just have a really dirty mind ... but, dude, I can write a damn good sexy message.

The key is having an affinity for dirty talk — and a knack for improv.

Takeaway #1: For a truly sexy text, combine functional dirty talk with improv games to keep the story going. 

A. Express a desire: "I want to ______ your ______."

B. Ask for consent: "Does that sound good?"

C. Keep the story going: "What do you want me to do next?"

Then, I’ll admit it, there are some parts of sexting I’m just really bad at. 

Like, leaving-him-waiting-an-hour-while-I-take-87-pictures-to-get-the-perfect-casually-sprawled-here-in-this-sexy-manner bad.

Or, alternately, sending-the-same-picture-again-because-I’ve-forgotten-who-I’ve-used-that-one-on bad.

Yeah, I use them over. On different people.

Hey, if it’s a really good picture, why would I waste it? Reduce, reuse. recycle!

Anyway, there’s stuff I’m bad at.

Takeaway #2: If you ever feel not great at sexting, know you're not alone. I talk about sex professionally, and sometimes sexting still trips me up. (Also, keep your face out of any naked pics, trust me on this.)

Unpopular opinion: I actually like dick pics (with a BIG caveat).

I recently watched “Inside Amy Schumer” and I loved it, but I was struck by how often she found it necessary to announce that NO ONE likes dick pics, that they are, at the very best, funny — and they most certainly are NEVER arousing.

This is where I have to remind Ms. Schumer that nothing is true for everyone.

I like a dick pic ... IF — and this part is important — it is sent to me with my permission, and (usually) it needs to be a dick I've met in person and have already enjoyed.

Unfamiliar dick doesn’t do it, but dick I’m fond of ... Game on!

Takeaway #3: If you hear the world saying “Dick pics are gross!” and find yourself thinking, “I like looking at dicks, am I gross?" — know that you are NOT. I totally have your back. Just don’t send me your dick.

Fact of the matter is, sometimes I honestly prefer sexting to boning.

Don’t get me wrong. I love sex, but sometimes I like the sexiness that can be accomplished while I’m alone, unshowered, and in my pajamas. No muss, no fuss, and on to the next episode of Sherlock.

Takeaway #4: Sexting can be incredibly satisfying — and I can be incredibly lazy. #sorrynotsorry

There you have it folks! The not-so-sexy life of a sexting sex writer!

I hope I didn’t shatter too many illusions, and that maybe I helped you feel a bit better in your own sexting skin.

This article was originally published at TheRedheadBedhead. Reprinted with permission from the author.