My Girlfriend Dressed Me For A Week ... And Became Drunk With Power

Photo: courtesy of the author
My Girlfriend Dressed Me For A Week And Got Drunk With Power
Contributor
Self

It was a warm July afternoon like so many others. It began plainly enough, a sweet blue sky swimming with summer songbirds.

My girlfriend marched up to me and said, "You dress like an a******."

While I don't think a weekly bleaching and waxing counts as dressing, I agreed with the spirit of her assessment. Loving me is an act of courage, for sure.

In recognition of her valor, I conceded that I could do better, on one condition: that she show me the way.

Here's what happened when my girlfriend dressed me for a week.

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Day 1: The honeymoon period

Giddy with the hope of possibly summoning my absent fashion sense, she started with a simple classic dude look.

I was wearing a textile that can either be used as a man's shirt or a picnic accessory with skinny black jeans. The sleeves were rolled up because that's the cheat code for looking 40 percent more attractive as a dude.

Things were looking promising from here.

Day 2: The clothes make the man (bike to work)

"Hey, you're biking to work with me today, so wear this and get your a** out of bed," she said. It was only day 2 and I had already lost control of my life.

Day 3: Attending prep school

Apparently you can wear shirts over other shirts? Pure heresy, but I consented. 

It's only day 3, but this was the point where I began questioning her logic when I looked back on the week.

Look at that outfit. In July? I think she might not have had my safety and well-being in mind.

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Day 4: The "Yes, I know I only own one pair of shoes" edition

Plain white T-shirt and a hoodie? Again with the jacket in the summer.

I was concerned at this point that she was playing dress-up with my clothes and Russian roulette with my life. I checked to see if she had taken a life insurance policy out on me lately.

Day 5: The "Oh wait, this is going on the internet LOL" edition.

She decided my closet was simply not enough. My poor neighbors started to wonder what the heck I was actually doing with my free time.

She eventually let me take off the heels that didn't fit, and I learned a few things about the pleasures of wearing a short skirt on a breezy day. Innocent bystanders were not amused.

Day 6: The stay home and Netflix all day outfit

She took it easy on me after forcing me into drag the previous day. What isn't noted is that I had to attend a weekly dinner party, basketball shorts, and all.

Day 7: [redacted]

Our lazy Sunday never called for getting dressed, so I didn't. 

Although I chose to learn a few lessons from the non-drag days, I was just glad I never have to wear heels again.

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Bob Alaburda is a former contributor to Yourtango.