Photo: courtesy of the author
It was a warm July afternoon like so many others. It began plainly enough, a sweet blue sky swimming with summer songbirds.
My girlfriend marched up to me and said, "You dress like an a******."
While I don't think a weekly bleaching and waxing counts as dressing, I agreed with the spirit of her assessment. Loving me is an act of courage, for sure.
In recognition of her valor, I conceded that I could do better, on one condition: that she show me the way.
Here's what happened when my girlfriend dressed me for a week.
Day 1: The honeymoon period
Giddy with the hope of possibly summoning my absent fashion sense, she started with a simple classic dude look.
I was wearing a textile that can either be used as a man's shirt or a picnic accessory with skinny black jeans. The sleeves were rolled up because that's the cheat code for looking 40 percent more attractive as a dude.
Things were looking promising from here.
Day 2: The clothes make the man (bike to work)
"Hey, you're biking to work with me today, so wear this and get your a** out of bed," she said. It was only day 2 and I had already lost control of my life.
Day 3: Attending prep school
Apparently you can wear shirts over other shirts? Pure heresy, but I consented.
It's only day 3, but this was the point where I began questioning her logic when I looked back on the week.
Look at that outfit. In July? I think she might not have had my safety and well-being in mind.
Day 4: The "Yes, I know I only own one pair of shoes" edition
Plain white T-shirt and a hoodie? Again with the jacket in the summer.
I was concerned at this point that she was playing dress-up with my clothes and Russian roulette with my life. I checked to see if she had taken a life insurance policy out on me lately.
Day 5: The "Oh wait, this is going on the internet LOL" edition.
She decided my closet was simply not enough. My poor neighbors started to wonder what the heck I was actually doing with my free time.
She eventually let me take off the heels that didn't fit, and I learned a few things about the pleasures of wearing a short skirt on a breezy day. Innocent bystanders were not amused.
Day 6: The stay home and Netflix all day outfit
She took it easy on me after forcing me into drag the previous day. What isn't noted is that I had to attend a weekly dinner party, basketball shorts, and all.
Day 7: [redacted]
Our lazy Sunday never called for getting dressed, so I didn't.
Although I chose to learn a few lessons from the non-drag days, I was just glad I never have to wear heels again.
Bob Alaburda is a former contributor to Yourtango.