Women Who Feel Guilty Resting As They Get Older Usually Have These 11 Reasons
Women are hard on themselves and as a result, they don't take time to rest.
Olena Yakobchuk / Shutterstock As a woman, I know I have a hard time resting. When I feel like I need to take a day to myself, I often find myself overly explaining why to the people around me. Even if no one asked why, the guilt of not being productive weighs so heavily on me that I am convinced I must have a good reason for taking a rest. I know that the people in my life respect and encourage me to take time for myself, but there is just too much societal pressure to always be grinding.
“The productivity wound runs deep in our modern society,” notes Revelare Recovery. “You’re taught from an early age that your worth correlates with how much you accomplish, how busy your schedule looks, and how many tasks you can check off your list.” Women who feel guilty resting as they get older face competing responsibilities of raising children, maintaining a career, managing their home life, and more.
Women who feel guilty resting as they get older usually have these 11 reasons
1. They feel they need to earn rest
Dean Drobot
Who else feels like society deems them only able to rest after they’ve truly earned it? Whether you’ve completed every task on your to-do list or you’ve wrapped up every loose end at work, checking every box must be done before you can take a moment for yourself. Let’s face it, there will always be things that need to get done.
Women will feel guilty taking time to rest when they feel like they must earn it first. While women may be dedicated to giving 100% of themselves to every task to earn their alone time, they are often hurting themselves more than helping.
“When we don’t take time to nurture ourselves and indulge personal interests, it’s easy to lose touch with who we are in the world. We can become consumed by the constant press to do life rather than experience life,” says Linda Wasmer Andrews. “I can’t tell you how many women I have worked with who only realize this after hitting a brick wall.”
2. Their self-worth depends on productivity
Michele Pevide from Getty Images Signature
I don’t know about you, but I often don’t feel happy with myself until I have completed everything I need to get done. I can’t sit on the couch and relax when I feel like I need to be more productive. This is a common issue as they get older. Though their body may be telling them that they need rest, unfortunately, their brains will not let them get it until they have been ‘productive enough’ by its standards.
“I love the term ‘hustle culture’ because I think that is what we’re all living in. We’re just working and we’re hustling, and we’re trying to be productive and we’re trying to get everything right,” said Meredith Van Ness, a psychotherapist and the owner of Meredith Van Ness Therapy. “Everyone’s trying to do the best that they can, but it’s like, ‘When is the best good enough?’”
Our society’s view of being busy can put a strain on a woman’s ability to take time to rest.
3. They feel pressured to take care of all responsibilities
Dean Drobot
Many women live with the idea that if they don’t do something, it won’t get done. It often takes the shape of household chores. She feels as though she can’t rely on her partner to get things done if she wants to take time for herself.
“There’s a special kind of exhaustion that comes from carrying the weight of an entire household on your back. Not just the dishes, the laundry, and the grocery list—but the invisible labor of remembering it all. Keeping track of school forms, scheduling doctor’s appointments, and knowing exactly when we’re about to run out of toilet paper, says MacKenzie, a licensed clinical social worker who runs Follow Your Arrow counseling. “And then, just when you're about to crumble under the weight of it all, your well-meaning but easily distracted husband turns to you and says: ‘Just tell me what you need me to do.’”
She goes on to write about how she feels things are better accomplished if she does them herself, and she struggles to find time for herself as a result. Many women can identify with this behavior.
4. They fear being seen as lazy
Tembela Bohle from Pexels
For women, especially those who are mothers, there’s so much pressure to put all of their effort into their families. When she takes a much-needed break for herself, she can feel lazy. By feeling lazy, she won’t believe she is doing all she can for her family, and guilt will come into play.
It’s important to note that you cannot pour from an empty cup. This outdated ideology that a woman needs to constantly give 200% of herself to be seen as worthy is damaging. She is not ‘lazy’ for taking time for herself. Sadly, it is hard to escape that guilt.
5. They put others before themselves
Pelageia Zelenina from Pexels
Whether they are caring for a partner and children, or they’re leading a team at work, they will put pressure on themselves to always be present. The needs of those around them who rely on their assistance will always come before their own. This is especially relevant with women who are wives and mothers.
“Being the main nurturer or caretaker for your kids and family can be rewarding, but it is also downright exhausting,” says Jillian Wilson, Senior Wellness Reporter at the Huffington Post. “If you’re the main person in charge of making lunches, helping with homework, caring for ailing parents, and shuttling kids back and forth to school, you’ll only have less time to rest."
6. They have associate taking care of themselves with stress
Ridofranz from Getty Images Pro
It’s interesting how past trauma can present itself in new situations. Maybe someone has been in a relationship with a partner who made them feel guilty for taking care of themselves. Perhaps it was a toxic job situation where they were never granted days off. Whatever the reasoning, it can hinder women from taking care of themselves. She believes she doesn’t deserve rest because someone in her past has told her she didn’t.
Women who experienced traumatizing situations as children may find themselves in relationships that are abusive or complicated. As a result, it’s not surprising that some may develop trauma from previously abusive situations. A woman's complex trauma could prevent her from prioritizing herself and make her feel guilty any time she takes rest.
7. They’re dealing with hormonal shifts
Faalguni Mandal from Faalguni Mandal
Studies have found that hormonal shifts, coming from things like their cycle, menopause, perimenopause, or pregnancy, can change the way they react to things. These hormonal changes can make them more prone to anxiety and depression. When someone is dealing with a higher chance of mental struggles, it can cause them to feel lazy when they take time for themselves more than they would on average.
“Many women experience a wave of anxiety, aggression, or sadness before their period, a heavy fog or depression after childbirth, or brain fuzziness and irritability during menopause. Female hormones like estrogen and progesterone rise and fall in patterns across an approximately 28-day cycle, which is exacerbated by major life events like pregnancy and menopause. These swings can directly impact mental clarity, emotional resilience, and even how we process stress,” scientists found.
When her hormones are high, her reaction and the guilt she feels when trying to prioritize herself can change.
8. They compare themselves to others
Hamdi Kandi from Hamdi Kandi Studio
‘Comparison is the thief of joy.’ It’s a phrase we’ve all heard, and it has probably driven us nuts at some point. However, there is truth to be found in this, especially when it’s a woman who feels extreme guilt about taking time to rest and experiences it.
Comparing yourself to those around you can hurt your mental health. Let’s say one woman is comparing herself to the work ethic of a colleague. Maybe she has a great work-life balance and makes it seem like she has been both a career woman and a mom on lock. When a woman sees someone like that, she may compare herself to them and wonder why she can’t have the energy to do everything that they do. She will feel guilty any time she feels she needs rest, as someone else has made it appear like they can do it all without breaking a sweat.
Most of the time, we know that person isn’t thriving the way they make it seem they are. However, when comparing yourself to others, it can bring up feelings that lead to guilt.
9. They feel work is never done
Aflo Images from アフロ（Aflo）
Another reason a woman may feel guilty resting as she gets older comes from the idea that work is never done. This could mean in their careers, where they feel like they can never break away from their email inbox. It could also come from parenting. There is no such thing as taking a break from parenthood for them.
However, guilt can come when they believe rest means doing nothing. According to listeners of BBC Radio 4, resting for them looks different than just sitting on the couch. “Rest is something that relaxes you. It's something that's intentional, that's restorative, that leaves you feeling refreshed afterwards,” one listener wrote in. “But the key thing is, it doesn't have to mean doing nothing at all. In fact, lots of people find it very hard to sit and do nothing. It’s really difficult."
While a woman may feel guilty taking physical rest, she may find tasks enjoyable and restful. Let’s say she loves cooking. She’s technically doing a job in preparing a meal for herself and her loved ones, but she is also taking a break from the world around her. It can be complicated to find this balance when she feels like her work is never done.
10. They struggle to set boundaries
studioroman
When someone feels guilty for taking time to rest, they likely struggle to set boundaries. Healthy boundaries are a way we protect our peace of mind. For some, the failure to do so prevents them from taking time for themselves. It’s easy to feel guilty for resting. Feeling like you have to show up for others and are unable to put yourself first can lead to feelings of guilt.
Women carry the weight of the world on their backs, especially for those whom they love. She may struggle to establish boundaries that allow her to focus on herself. This can leave her feeling guilty when she wants to take time to rest.
11. They face societal pressures
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It’s no secret that in a society where everything revolves around how much work someone does and the amount of money they bring in, it can feel difficult to take time to rest. When it comes to women, this pressure doubles. Not only are they expected to work and take care of the household more than men, but they also need to give their all to parenting. If they choose to take time for themselves, they are selfish and lazy.
“It’s easy to believe that the pressure women feel today, to be everything to everyone at all times, is just part of life. That this is simply how things are,” said Theresa ''Akua'' Powell of Dreamcatcher Global. They continued, “Guilt doesn’t just show up on its own. It’s built on limiting beliefs we’ve absorbed over time. Beliefs that tell us who we should be instead of who we truly are. The way we interpret situations determines whether we drown in guilt or give ourselves grace."
Because a woman feels pressured to be everything to everyone, she will often get swallowed by guilt when she attempts to take time for herself.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
