11 Things People Who’ve Been Through Hard Times Hate Doing That Other People Love
People who've been through hard times often become hyper-independent and hyper-vigilant.
T.Den_Team / Shutterstock Many people who’ve been through a lot in life or faced a great deal of adversity develop a higher level of resilience as a result. Even if they’re still grappling with the consequences of this trauma via misguided coping mechanisms like emotional suppression or social isolation, their response to what they've endured leads them to create a persona of hyper-independence and quiet endurance that makes them feel more comfortable and in control.
Many of the things people who’ve been through hard times hate doing that other people love are therefore rooted in hyper-vigilance and a need for self-protection. They prefer doing things independently to protect themselves from being taken advantage of, and build a life centered around their own needs, something that hardship and trauma prevented them from doing sooner in life.
Here are 11 things people who’ve been through hard times hate doing that other people love
1. Being around people 24/7
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Many people who are grappling with trauma or have been through hard times in life struggle with emotional loneliness. They find it hard not only to connect with people, but also to find shared experiences and commonalities even with their close friends and peers. When they’re around others, they feel consistently drained by superficial conversations and emotional suppression, so they prefer to be alone or around people they really trust.
They may keep themselves busy to cope or distract themselves from emotional turmoil. Still, when they have a choice for how to spend their free time, they hardly appreciate social interactions that lack depth or crowded places filled with strangers.
2. Going to crowded parties
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Psychologist Susan Albers argues that hyper-vigilance is often a side effect of trauma and hardship in life, encouraging people stuck in fight-or-flight mode to be overly cautious with the situations, things, and people they introduce into their lives. That’s part of the reason why crowded parties and huge social events are some of the things people who’ve been through hard times hate doing that other people love.
These situations place them in a state of hyper-sensitivity, where the music is too loud, there are too many people, and a million things to worry about, while also being in a position where they have to make small talk with strangers in ways that feel unfulfilling and uncomfortable.
Especially for people working through their trauma and addressing their past experiences, solitude and alone time, along with trusted and healthy relationships, are much more productive and empowering than a room of strangers they don’t know.
3. Engaging in small talk
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Many people yearn for a sense of deeper connection with other people, according to experts from the American Psychological Association, which is part of the reason why many people find small talk exhausting and annoying. While many people who’ve been through hard times in life may have a similar reasoning for disliking small talk, they also have the kind of life experience and emotional complexity that requires deep connection and conversation to address.
They struggle to trust people right away, which makes leveraging small talk as a means for building a larger relationship much more difficult, as well.
4. Being the center of attention
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According to a study published in the European Journal of Psychotraumatology, many people with unresolved trauma or who’ve gone through periods of adversity in their lives experience shifts in their sense of self. Whether it’s identity-related disturbances, shifts in their self-esteem, or emotional turmoil and chaos, they often struggle with grounding themselves in their own personal identity and finding peace with healthy coping mechanisms and strategies.
That’s part of the reason why being the center of attention is one of the things people who’ve been through hard times hate doing that other people love. They struggle with connecting with themselves and opening up on a personal level, so having to be the sheer focus of others while doing all of those things can be exhausting and overwhelming.
5. Talking about themselves
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Whether it’s a consequence of suppressing difficult experiences and emotions or the result of internalized guilt and shame, many people who’ve been through hard times find it difficult to talk about themselves and their past experiences. When they do get into vulnerable situations that require a level of openness, it can trigger a flood of emotions and discomfort present because of patterns of suppression.
It can also spark feelings of shame, considering some of these individuals have blamed themselves for their circumstances and taken on the emotional burdens of their trauma. They tend to avoid vulnerability and situations where they have to talk about themselves, even if it means avoiding making new friends, connections, and relationships.
6. Asking for help
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According to psychologist Xuan Zhao, asking for help not only boosts the self-esteem and social connectedness of the person asking, but it also encourages other people to feel valued and needed in important ways. However, it’s one of the things people who’ve been through hard times hate doing that other people leverage and love.
They struggle with hyper-independence and a need for control, which also urges them to overlook opportunities for growth and be overly critical of themselves when they make a mistake. They’re afraid to be reliant on anyone other than themselves, so they’d prefer to figure out a problem or isolate themselves rather than ask someone else for advice or help.
7. Getting compliments
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While there’s certainly cultural context and societal influences that determine how comfortable a person is receiving compliments, many people who’ve been through hard times find them equally confusing to navigate. For many people, especially those with unresolved trauma, self-esteem is a struggle that negatively affects their daily life, isolating them from healthy connections and social interactions.
They don’t feel comfortable accepting compliments because they tend to directly oppose the kinds of negative self-talk and life lessons sparked by childhood trauma or toxic relationships that they’ve ingrained into their sense of self-worth.
8. Being vulnerable in relationships
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Despite being essential to maintain a healthy balance in relationships, making compromises and occasional sacrifices for a partner, friend, or loved one can be incredibly difficult for people who’ve been through hard times. They’ve often been forced to mature from a young age, developing a kind of hyper-independence that urges them to protect their needs, boundaries, and safety at all costs.
They likely didn’t feel like they had a lot of control as children or through adversity, so now, with little decisions in relationships and over their daily routine, they can wield the kind of influence, power, and control they used to yearn for. Vulnerability is difficult because it gives people leverage, even if that seems like a chaotic way to frame it in the context of a healthy and loving relationship.
Opening up is one of the things people who’ve been through hard times hate doing, because they don’t want to become reliant on other people or give them leverage to weaponize later on.
9. Overspending
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According to psychologist Julian Ford, people who deal with the chronic stress and emotional turmoil of unresolved trauma can often live stuck in survival mode, desperately trying to regain the control they feel like they’ve lost and coping in occasionally misguided ways with complex internal emotions.
However, they are practical and intentional, and they tend to avoid risks, so impulsivity isn’t always their first resort; instead, they rely on hyper-vigilance and hyper-independence rooted in control.
Even when it comes to their finances, overspending is one of the things people who’ve been through hard times hate doing that other people love. They don’t want to feel reliant on other people or have to ask for help, so they’re intentional about guarding and protecting their resources for themselves.
10. Talking about their past
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For people who have gone through hard times, have childhood trauma, or have dealt with toxic relationships in the past, talking about these things can be incredibly difficult, even with people they love and trust. Many of these things don’t feel easily understood by others, which makes them more difficult to share openly.
For others, who enjoy sharing their experiences and finding common ground with new friends, opening up about their past can be a rewarding and connecting experience. However, it’s one of the things people who’ve faced tough times often dread doing.
They often feel like they’re burdening other people with their emotional turmoil and trauma, rather than bonding and building a connection. While experts from “Trauma-Informed Care in Behavioral Health Services” suggest that people who don’t talk about or process their trauma can live just as healthy lives as those who do, this struggle with communication and vulnerability can prove difficult for maintaining and building strong relationships.
11. Taking a break
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For many people, their perceived level of business and productivity is inherently tied to their feelings of self-worth, according to a study published in the Journal of Consumer Research. The more they work, achieve, and schedule on their calendars, the more important, needed, and stable they feel, even if this level of constant busyness negatively affects their relationships, mental health, and physical well-being.
That’s why taking breaks and prioritizing rest are things people who’ve been through hard times often hate doing, but others love. For people who’ve become over-reliant on constant busyness as a distraction for emotional turmoil or have even developed a hyper-independence that pressures them into cycles of overworking, taking a break can be scary and threatening. Even sick days and wellness time off from work can spark feelings of disillusionment and fear.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
