The Art Of Resilience: 6 Ways To Stay Steady When Everything Feels Really Hard
Gabriel Lucindo | Unsplash How many times have you watched someone go through a traumatic experience — like the loss of a limb or the death of a child — or other terrible life events that happened without warning, and they seemingly came through it stronger than ever? That’s resilience in the face of adversity. And people who overcame adversity carry that resilience with them for the rest of their lives.
Have you ever listened to the news or read a story about someone who faced tragedy and turned it into an opportunity to become a better person? Another example of resiliency. What thoughts went through your head as you considered what they must have gone through?
Did you wonder how they could be so strong, so tough, and so adaptable? You, too, can learn how to build resilience. What is it that makes some people more able to bounce back from adversity than others? What are the characteristics of resiliency?
Here are 6 ways to stay steady when everything feels really hard:
1. Give it time
Even the most resilient people need time to adjust to the new reality when a major life event occurs. They may need time to recover from an injury, go through the grieving process, or start to think more clearly again.
Honoring that process is a large part of resiliency. You can’t bounce back from something you haven’t fully absorbed. And, it takes some people — even the toughest among us — longer than it takes others.
Finding ways to comfort yourself will allow the emotions to emerge so you can feel them and process them. The onset of a traumatic situation may be met with numbness or disbelief at first.
Following that may be a surge of emotions you’re not prepared for. Giving time for this process to unfold naturally can help you adapt to the emotional upheaval and think about the options available that can facilitate moving through it. Then you can flex that resiliency muscle and feel its strength.
2. Change the way you look at things
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One of my favorite quotes from author and speaker Dr. Wayne Dyer is, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." When you adjust your perspective, you can see things from another angle. You can see opportunities where there were obstacles.
Victoria could have been angry at the young man who, without considering the consequences, changed her life forever. Instead, she chose to learn what caused him to do such a thing and help him. Rather than wallowing in her own misery, which would not do her any good, she found a way to turn the incident into a positive experience for herself, the young man, and the other youths she spoke to.
Cognitive reappraisal involves reinterpreting a situation to change its emotional impact, and it's linked to successful coping when facing stressful events, research has shown. People who use cognitive reappraisal during a negative experience report less negative emotion and show lower stress response while experiencing better psychological health overall.
This is a way to reframe the pain. Ask yourself, "What can I learn from this? What are my options?" These questions turn you away from the blame game and allow you to focus on the good that might come from the situation.
3. Turn negative into positive
This covers both your thinking and your self-talk. You can go down a deep rabbit hole when you let your negative thoughts and the words you say to yourself overtake you.
The fact is, something bad happened. There is no getting around that. You do have a choice, though — get mired in the horrible circumstances or balance what you think, say, and do with more positive thoughts, words, and actions.
I know a woman in her 60s, Cindy, who was a very active hiker and biker. One day, she had a horrible bike accident where she rode head-on into a parked truck while she was reaching for her water bottle.
She broke her neck in a couple of places. Sudden and devastating. It turned her world upside-down. After spinal surgery to implant a cage to fuse her neck, Cindy had a long row to hoe. Her speech was impaired, she had a traumatic brain injury, and her neck was immobilized for a long time.
Negative thoughts about never being active again clouded her thinking and influenced her actions. Depression set in, and she wallowed in the trauma of it all.
Her physical therapist recommended that Cindy talk to a coach to help her turn those thoughts around so they could help her to heal and find ways to bounce back from the accident. We worked on positive self-talk and affirmations, while she dug deep into her faith. It took some time to shift her perspective, but it worked.
Cindy chose to find the silver lining and worked hard to get her life back. Within a few months, she returned to walking her favorite nature paths, which put her in an environment that fed her soul and her psyche.
There was one more surgery to finish the repair of her neck, and Cindy faced that with great hope that she would be as good as new in short order. And she was. She found herself to be more resilient than she gave herself credit.
4. Be grateful for the experience
So many times when a life event knocks you down, you tend to focus on all the bad things that happened — the event itself, the effect it had on you and those around you, and the negative emotions that come along for the ride.
You may feel as if it was your fault. Or you may be angry at another person. Or feel scared that you don’t know enough to get through it. Gratitude is a powerful tool. Search for small things you can be grateful for.
According to one study, people who practiced gratitude had greater satisfaction with life, better mental health, and fewer symptoms of anxiety and depression. A single act of thoughtful gratitude can produce an immediate increase in happiness and a reduction in depressive symptoms.
One of the practices Cindy took up was to keep a gratitude journal. She wrote about the accident from a different perspective. She was grateful to have one of the best spine specialists on call at the hospital when she arrived.
The trauma team in the ER recognized the severity of her injury and took steps to diagnose it quickly, which saved her from permanent damage. She had a loving sister who was able to move in and care for her. She was very grateful and found that shifting her thoughts to gratitude helped in brightening her outlook.
5. Make self-care a priority
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A strong body and mind are key elements when it comes to building resilience in the face of adversity. Life events like divorce, loss of a loved one, or a traumatic accident can happen without warning, and they can take us to our knees. We may need help to recover.
Our bodies are remarkable machines. They speak to us. When they tell us it is time to rest, eat, or exercise, we should listen. You are the governing authority on your body. You can get advice from others who are specialists in their field, such as doctors, therapists of all kinds, or nutritionists.
But when it comes to knowing what is working for you, you are the ultimate arbiter. You listen to what the professionals recommend, try it for yourself, and integrate what works.
Leave the rest behind. When our mind and body are impaired, we can’t show up for anyone else who may depend on us. So, we need to continually fill our cup and have some in reserve.
I love this self-care metaphor. Think of a beautiful China cup and saucer. It might be one from which you would drink a lovely cup of soothing tea. It’s painted with beautiful flowers and trimmed in gold. You are the cup.
Everything you do to care for yourself fills that cup — a good night’s rest, great nourishing meals, a walk along your favorite stream, or a hike up the mountain, a massage, or cuddling with your pets.
It fills your cup with good thoughts, great energy, and soothing calm. You fill it till it overflows into the saucer. When someone needs something from you, there is plenty of you in the saucer from which to give, always keeping your cup full.
The reality is, most of us let our cups run down or even dry because we keep giving from our own reserve. The trick is to keep refilling your cup, never letting it get too empty. When we have an empty cup, we have nothing to give. When our cup is full, and our saucer catches the overflow, our resilience is high.
6. Don’t take yourself too seriously
Laughing is such good medicine. Finding the funny in adversity can lighten the load we carry when bad stuff happens. I love going to Irish funerals. Not that I love funerals, mind you. But amid the grief and loss, someone cracks a joke or tells a great story about the deceased, and the whole place cracks up in laughter.
It breaks the tension. It shifts the mood, even for just a moment. We can learn something from this. When life has turned us upside-down, finding ways to ease the pressure, relieve the stress, and reduce the anxiety we might feel is therapeutic.
People who can laugh even in difficult circumstances tend to have greater resilience and better well-being, studies have found. Laughter decreases stress hormones in your body and reduces stress perception by engaging your brain's reward system to create a buffer against challenging situations.
Take some time to figure out what those ways are for you to lighten your mood. How can you face adversity with resilience? These are just six ways that will help you to shift how you cope when life happens, and it turns your world upside-down. You just need to take the first step.
María Tomás-Keegan is a certified career and life coach for women, transition expert, and founder of Transition & Thrive with María.
