15 Signs You're Desperate For Friends And Trying Too Hard To Be Liked
It's time to rethink how you're trying to make friends.
Dima Aslanian | Shutterstock So, you want people to like you. Fair enough — everyone wants to feel included, appreciated, and seen. But sometimes the harder you try, the more it backfires. I learned this the hard way in high school, when I was desperate to fit in but only ended up coming across as fake.
The truth is, trying too hard almost always does the opposite of what you want. When you’re desperate, you overshoot. You post too much, brag too much, or bend over backward until you’re exhausted and resentful. And instead of making people like you, you end up pushing them away. There are ways to know if you're just trying too hard to be liked — and what to do instead, so you can stop pushing people away.
Here are 15 signs you're trying too hard to be liked, and what to do instead.
1. You keep posting online about being single and available
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No! Don’t be that person! I’ve been that person, and I can tell you that it doesn’t work.
That “single and free” advertisement basically translates into “I’m alone and pathetic” in modern lingo. Research indicates that lonely people tend to participate more actively in social media, which can lead to increased feelings of loneliness in the long run. No one wants to be around a person who comes off that desperate for human interaction.
What to do instead: Show yourself having fun, doing things you like and are interested in, and just being you. If someone shows interest in what you're doing, you can respond casually and invite them along for next time.
2. People have told you that you come on too strong
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Do you have a solid rep for “coming on too strong,” particularly when you're interested in someone romantically? Well, this is the euphemism people use when they want to say that you’re going way too hard with your efforts to make friends.
What to do instead: Slow down, take a deep breath, and wait for a natural intro to conversations and situations. Then — and this is the most important part — watch their faces and body language.
Are they opening up their circle to include you or turning their bodies toward you? Are they looking in your eyes when you talk?
These are the signs that they're ready to include you and get to know you. If not, try to naturally wrap it up and walk away to give them space and show them you're receiving the messages they're sending.
3. You lie about your interests just to spark a conversation
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The problem with this isn’t just the fact that you’re lying. It’s the fact that most people can pick up on the fact that you don’t really know what you’re talking about.
Even if you're a really good faker, eventually you'll be found out, and that new friendship or relationship will be riddled with mistrust.
What to do instead: Instead of lying, ask them what they’re up to and then ask specific follow-up questions.
For instance, someone may say they're going to go mountain biking this weekend. Instead of faking that you are a big MTB fan (if you aren't), ask how long they've been doing it and whether it's hard to learn.
Just like in point #2, watch their body language and see if they're interested in talking further about it. And, whatever you do, don't nudge them for an invite along. Just be curious for curiosity's sake!
4. You flip out when someone bails, cancels, or ends things
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Please, for the love of God, do not be this person. This is called being a "Nice Guy" (different from an actual nice guy) or the female equivalent of a Nice Guy.
Trust me, I’ve been there and I’ve flipped out at people, but it only makes you look unstable (and that's not cute) — even if you have every reason in the world to be mad. Studies show that rejection often triggers anger, sadness, and other intense emotional reactions, especially in those with high rejection sensitivity.
What to do instead: Sad as it is to say, it’s better to end that friendship or relationship completely than to turn into someone you don't want to be. Take a deep breath and hang up that phone or walk away.
5. You spend hours getting ready for every date or meetup
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Even though the beauty and fitness industries will have you believe that everyone wants perfection and a Barbie or Ken doll look, most people would rather see you for who you are. If you’re too dolled up or flexed and gelled to perfection, your date is likely to think you're trying too hard.
What to do instead: I'm not saying you should show up in your ratty PJs with toothpaste in the corners of your mouth. Shower, clean yourself up so you feel cute and confident — whatever that means to you.
6. Your socials are full of "look how cool I am" photos
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You know the kind of photos I’m talking about. The ones that basically scream, "You wish you were me!" showing off your Gucci logo merch or fake-laughing behind your peace-sign fingers.
Yes, we see through it all. We, of course, mean everyone. Research indicates that when users share more genuine and authentic content instead of highly curated, idealized posts, they tend to experience a greater sense of well-being. Additionally, they are often seen as more credible by others, creating a deeper sense of trust and connection.
What to do instead: Share photos of yourself when you're actually happy, whether you think that's what people are into or not. Share a pic with your dog, your grandma, or a cute, authentic selfie while watching your favorite bad movie on the couch.
No matter how unlikely it seems, when you're authentic, your real life is more interesting than your selfie on Rodeo Drive.
7. You trash-talk happy couples or friend groups because you're jealous
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This is not cool. This is exactly what you should never do.
Women already have a hard enough time dealing with all the pressures society imposes on us. We should not be making life harder on one another. Moreover, acting this way just makes you look annoying and desperate.
Nobody wants to be friends with (or date) the desperate girl, especially if she's also being mean. When guys do this, they just seem aggro and petty. Not attractive.
What to do instead: Process your jealousy by journaling or talking with someone you trust intimately, like a parent, sibling, or a life-long best friend. Or, even better, a therapist or counselor.
It's totally OK to be jealous and even to feel mad at someone for what seems like their "perfect" life. But it's not OK to be a jerk.
8. You compare yourself to someone's partner or friend out loud
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Look, I’ve been there. I don’t personally understand why guys usually pick total train wrecks over me, either. But vocalizing it is not helping you, and it might show that you’re trying way too hard to get someone’s attention (whether you're just trying to be friends or date them).
What to do instead: Keep it to yourself.
9. You try to buy someone's affection
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This happens when you find yourself paying their bills, buying them dinner all the time, and showering them with gifts... even though they told you he doesn’t see you as “long-term” material or keep saying things like "you're such a good friend" or "you know I'm not the relationship type, right?"
Nobody has ever bought their way into love or a real friendship. Even with good intentions, resentments and obligations can build. Research shows material gifts often create debt or obligation rather than connection — while experiential gifts are more likely to strengthen closeness over time.
What to do instead: Be generous with your time rather than your credit card, and pick up the check from time to time — but not all the time.
10. You put up with way more than you should
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You keep thinking that, maybe, if you just bend a little more, they'll realize your worth, right? Wrong. People will treat you exactly as you let them treat you.
No, it's not your fault when someone treats you badly, but you do have the right to say "no" and end that relationship.
What to do instead: Talk through what your authentic boundaries are with someone you trust or write them out in a journal.
What feels right to you? What secretly makes you feel like you're dying inside? Make a list in a journal of things that don't feel right to you and then read them again a day later to see if you still feel that way.
Then have a conversation with whoever in your life is taking advantage of you and just say it plainly. Something like, "When ___ happens, I feel ____ and I really don't want that to happen anymore."
Someone who can't respect that boundary doesn't deserve your time. Move on.
11. You’ve begged people to date you or hang out
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I’ve been there, too. Trust me when I say nothing good comes of it.
The only thing you do by begging others to be around you is turn them off to you, which sucks because you don’t know how to make things better. And no one likes a pity party.
What to do instead: Find things that make you happy and concentrate on doing those.
Look for the people in your life who actually like being with you and give them your time and energy. They're probably there, being overlooked by you right now!
12. You brag nonstop about yourself to get approval
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Most of the time, people who try too hard will brag about every little thing they do or own to get others’ attention. Research shows that unchecked self-promotion is often perceived negatively and can backfire, making you look arrogant rather than impressive. All that bragging does is make you look arrogant at best, and desperate for attention at worst.
What to do instead: Observe how the people around you talk about themselves.
Try to objectively observe the amount of time and energy they spend on talking about their own lives vs. asking questions about others. Try to find a natural balance of talking about yourself vs. making other people feel like they matter.
13. You pull stunts just to get noticed
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This one happens more often with guys trying to get women's attention, but it certainly isn't a men-only behavior. I once knew a girl who climbed 30 feet up a pine tree to sneak onto the apartment patio of a guy she'd just started seeing.
It's amazing she didn't fall, that she wasn't shot at or arrested. Instead, the guy just never called her again. He did not think that was cute.
What to do instead: Give that person a genuine compliment and then leave it at that. Or maybe bring them a (very) small gift, like their favorite drink from the vending machine or a cookie from the cafe where you work.
Despite what you've seen in rom-coms, you don't need to spray paint their name on a wall or crash into a fire hydrant to get someone's attention. In real life, these things are creepy.
14. You refuse to take no for an answer
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“Creep” vibes often start happening when people don’t take no for an answer, even though signals are clearly telling them “no.” Research indicates that violating social norms, such as ignoring refusals, often leads to negative perceptions and can cause people to distance themselves. When you're trying too hard, you can often feel yourself stepping over people's boundaries; you just keep hoping they'll change their minds or see what's good about you.
If you’re being told you’re getting creepy on people, that’s a sign that you’re trying too hard and that you’re not respectful of boundaries.
What to do instead: Slow down, take a deep breath, and evaluate your motivations when interacting with other people. Are you using them for validation? Emotional release? Something worse, something physical?
At the very least, that's unkind. At the worst, it's a crime. If you want friends, if you want a relationship, you can't be that person.
This is a great opportunity to seek therapy and grow as a human being. Getting people to like you has to start with being likable.
15. You say yes to everything just so people like you
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This is a sign that you’re trying way too hard to be liked to the point that you refuse to enforce any boundaries. Studies show that chronic people-pleasing (saying yes constantly) correlates with lower mental well-being and emotional exhaustion. You run yourself into the ground doing errands and little favors for others.
If you're not resentful yet, you will get there.
What to do instead: Pause for a moment before saying "yes."
It's great to be generous with other people, as long as it comes from the heart. Do you really want to help them, or do you only do it to feel needed? If that's the case, it's not genuine.
What's more, you're not being generous with yourself. You're likely to end up depleted, resentful, or both. You deserve better!
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer based out of Red Bank, New Jersey, whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, New Theory Magazine, and others. Follow her on Twitter for more.
