11 Signs Someone Is Not A Good Person, No Matter How Nice They Pretend To Be
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock From an early age, we're taught that being nice is one of the most important traits to have. Starting as children and continuing into adulthood, we learn the value of the golden rule: to treat others as we want to be treated. Being nice goes well beyond holding the door for others; it means leading with empathy, integrity, and respect.
Unfortunately, not everyone takes that rule to heart and often pretend to be someone they're not. Though it may not be obvious at first, there are specific signs someone is not a good person, no matter how nice they pretend to be. People might put up a front that makes them seem kind, but their true selves always show up in subtle ways.
Here are 11 signs someone is not a good person, no matter how nice they pretend to be
1. They're judgmental
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Being judgmental is an indication that someone isn't a good person. To some extent, being judgmental is part of human nature. When we meet a new person, we judge whether we can trust them and if we feel safe around them.
A study published in the Journal of Intelligence found that making immediate inferences about someone's personality is rooted in evolution, and doing so is part of the adaptive process that helps us make decisions. Yet making assessments on people isn't necessarily a neutral activity, even if it is human nature.
It's likely that someone who is not a good person, no matter how nice they pretend to be, will openly share the judgments they make about others without hesitation. These observations might take on a cruel tone, or they might be in reference to aspects of someone's personality that they can't control.
2. They lack accountability
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Quickly blaming others and never taking accountability are signs someone is not a good person, no matter how nice they pretend to be. Admitting when we're wrong is rarely a comfortable feeling, yet doing so proves we're self-reflective and willing to take responsibility for our mistakes.
Accountability goes beyond just saying sorry. To be fully accountable requires people to think critically about how they relate to others. Being accountable means you accept your imperfections, without lashing out or getting defensive. Someone who's not nice will always find a reason that their behavior isn't actually their fault, which reinforces their inability to hold themselves accountable.
As psychotherapist F. Diane Barth explained, "Taking responsibility for our actions, even when they are accidents, means that we can change our behavior going forward. And knowing that we can make changes gives us a sense of agency, a feeling of power over what we do and don’t do, and a sense of competence. And that sense of competence can increase self-esteem, improve our work, and mend our relationships."
3. They disrespect boundaries
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Psychologist Nick Wignall explained that setting boundaries is essential for healthy relationships, and for a person's individual emotional health and well-being. He noted that in order for boundaries to work, specificity and consistency are key. Making clearly-defined boundaries requires a person to clearly state what behaviors they'll no longer tolerate, along with the consequences for what they'll do if their boundaries are crossed.
Crossing boundaries doesn't necessarily mean someone isn't a bad person, but if it happens repeatedly, they're showing their true colors. When someone habitually crosses boundaries, it indicates that they care more about their own needs than anyone else's.
4. They don't show gratitude
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Gratitude is a form of "social glue" that holds relationships together. A lack of gratitude can erode people's connections to one another. In fact, cultivating gratitude makes people more generous, kind, and helpful towards others. There's also a particular aspect of gratitude that helps people form and keep relationships: the "find, remind, and bind" function.
Someone with a strong gratitude practice pays attention to how thoughtful others are, which helps them find people they want to be around. Having gratitude reminds people about the quality of their existing relationships, and it binds people to their friends and partners by making them appreciate and feel appreciated.
When someone is not a good person, their general attitude skews toward negativity, meaning they pick out what's wrong rather than what they feel grateful for. Their relationships tend to suffer because they don't appreciate what they already have.
5. They're not reliable
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You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat other people's time. A kind, thoughtful person shows their respect for others by following through on what they said they would do. This means they meet you for coffee when they said they would, instead of texting you 10 minutes beforehand to say they can't make it.
Reliability requires people to think beyond their own needs. Being reliable shows that a person is empathetic, as they're able to consider other people's perspectives and imagine how they feel. In contrast, a person who's unreliable doesn't take other people's emotions into consideration.
6. They put other people down
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Whether it's saying rude things about their appearance or chiding them for their mistakes, these are signs someone is not a good person, no matter how nice they pretend to be. The way a person talks about others reveals quite a lot about who they are and what they value, and by putting others down, it shows that they aren't as nice as they act.
They might put up a front of kindness when they're around certain people, then talk about them poorly when they leave. They might call attention to another person's insecurities, then say it was just a joke. They might tease people, then ignore them when they express that their feelings are hurt.
7. They have a superiority complex
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Having a strong sense of sense-worth is vital to a person's well-being, yet it's also possible for someone to overemphasize their abilities and alienate the people around them. A person with a superiority complex has an inflated sense of self. They believe they're better than other people.
While it seems counterintuitive, having a superiority complex is actually caused by deep feelings of insecurity. According to a study published in Personality and Individual Differences, superiority arises out of inferiority. It exists as a defense mechanism against someone's feelings of inferiority.
A person who's insecure doesn't always have an oversized ego. Their insecurities might manifest as having low self-esteem or not believing in themselves. Yet when someone routinely puts themselves on a pedestal and looks down on others, it shows that they're not very nice at all.
8. They hold grudges
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Not accepting other people's flaws shows that someone is not a good person, even if they pretend to be. People who show true kindness are able to hold space for inconsistencies and recognize that no one shows up as their best selves all the time. They understand that perfection is a myth.
When they feel hurt, they call attention to it and expect actionable repair, but they don't hold people's mistakes against them. They let go of past damage, instead of letting it consume them.
But someone who holds grudges is often unable to see a person's mistake as separate from who they are at their core. They define people by what they've done wrong, instead of giving them grace.
9. They don't return favors
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Someone who is not a good person, no matter how nice they pretend to be, often has high expectations for their friends, yet doesn't offer their own friendship in the same way. They expect their friends to show up for them whenever they need them, yet that flexibility and generosity only goes one way.
If their friend asks them for even a small favor, they always have an excuse about being too busy or overwhelmed to help out. They rely on the kindness of other people, but they don't pay that kindness back.
10. They frequently gossip and share others' private information
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Perhaps one of the most glaring signs someone is not a good person, no matter how nice they pretend to be, is gossiping about others behind their back and sharing private information about them. Even if someone tells them information in confidence, they have no issue blabbing it all to anyone who will listen. They don't care about the consequences, either.
While gossip can actually bring people closer together, it's all about the intent. Someone who is not a good person spreads rumors and reveals secrets for their own personal gain, and generally enjoys hurting other people in this way.
11. They lie about small, unnecessary things
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While everyone lies from time to time, when it becomes a pattern, there's something wrong. It's less about the lie itself and more about the dishonesty that seems to be repeated again and again. Not only does it chip away at trust in their relationships and friendships, but it makes other people question their integrity.
Even small lies can make others feel manipulated or disrespected, especially if they later realize the truth. It creates a sense that the connection they have with others isn't fully real or mutual.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
