11 Phrases People Often Think Are Polite That Actually Annoy High-Level Thinkers
Luis Molinero | Shutterstock People often hope to convey respect with their manner by saying the right things. But what they may not always realize is that the words they use can be irritating to some people who think on a higher level. While some social interactions call for being more formal than others, it’s typically a good idea to maintain proper etiquette in your conversations. Still, there are very specific phrases people often think are polite that actually annoy high-level thinkers.
Sometimes, people may try to seem as though they’re being generous or proper in their manner of speaking, while really, they come off as self-righteous or condescending. In cases like that, their politeness becomes becomes downright bothersome. And it's not because it's polite, it's because it's extremely fake, snobby, and comes from a person who thinks they're superior to others.
Here are 11 phrases people often think are polite that actually annoy high-level thinkers
1. 'With all due respect'
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It’s common to hear this phrase uttered during tense conversations or heated debates, when one person disagrees with the other. But while this phrase might have the word “respect” in it, its intention is anything but respectful.
People say this to make it seem like they’re being polite, but the next thing they say is usually something dismissive or outright disrespectful. "With all due respect” is framed as a polite comment, when really, it’s used right before someone tells you you’re wrong.
As psychiatry lecturer Joseph Shrand pointed out, "Respect leads to value and value leads to trust. But disrespect leads to feeling devalued, which results in mistrust." So, when a person even unintentionally disrespects another, it can greatly and negatively affect their well-being.
2. 'We can agree to disagree'
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"We can agree to disagree" is one of the many phrases people often think are polite that actually annoy high-level thinkers. Because while it isn’t a bad thing to disagree — as being part of a large and varied society is understanding that everyone experiences life differently — when people are disrespectful in showing their disagreement, that's when problems arise.
This phrase is often used as a way to shut someone else down. In fact, saying this stops a conversation in its tracks. While it seems polite, it's actually very passive-aggressive and rude since it does nothing to resolve conflict and, instead, only perpetuates it.
"The main clue that points to the fact that the method cannot trigger a sustainable future is that it relies on the idea of tolerance. Agreeing to disagree means to tolerate a view that is different from the ones you entertain, without accepting it. I do not find anything wrong with not being willing to accept a certain view, regardless of what that view may be, but I find many things wrong with only tolerating it (and the person holding the view)," clinical psychologist Lucia Grosaru explained.
3. 'Just to play devil's advocate'
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“Just to play devil’s advocate” is the type of saying people use to rile others up. While the phrase gives off the impression that the person using it is being polite, it’s actually an indication that they’re on the verge of saying something insulting. It's usually said as a way to stir up unnecessary debate.
People tend to use this phrase during emotionally intense discussions about morals or politics. They often say the phrase when they don’t want to concede that the other person’s experience is correct. Although it seems like a neutral and polite phrase, it’s also a gaslighting tactic.
"I have another word for the act of playing devil’s advocate: gaslighting, or a form of psychological manipulation that hinges on creating self-doubt," author and leadership expert Ruchika T. Malhotra said. "The objective here isn’t to have an informed discussion or to help the target of the devil’s advocate. It’s for the devil’s advocate to plant self-doubt, invalidate, and ultimately manipulate the other person to acquiescence."
4. 'Bless your heart'
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For people who live in the South, they know that “bless your heart” is not as polite as it appears, because it’s usually meant to be condescending. People use this phrase when they want to seem like they were raised with good manners. But while it seems like a nice thing to say, it generally implies that the person saying it thinks you’re wrong.
According to writer Raven Minyard, "When used sincerely, 'bless your heart' expresses sympathy, concern, or affection for someone. When used sarcastically, it’s a polite way of telling someone you’re disappointed in them or judging their behavior — because Southerners value manners, they won’t always come out and insult someone directly."
So, whether you’ve shared an unpopular opinion or revealed an uncommonly held belief, saying “bless your heart” is often meant as an insult, even though it sounds nice.
5. 'Don't worry about it'
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While this phrase seems like it’s a laidback form of communication, it’s really a sign that you’re dealing with a passive-aggressive person. “Don’t worry about it” implies that someone shouldn’t feel concerned, yet it’s often said in a dismissive tone that actually conjures up a fair amount of worry.
This is a common response to a person who’s giving an apology. In some ways, it downplays that person’s efforts to apologize. Using this phrase makes it appear as though the person is accepting the apology, but they’re not actually saying, “I forgive you.” Rather, they’re sidestepping any acknowledgement of the apology that’s been offered.
6. 'I'm fine with whatever'
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"I'm fine with whatever" is one of the phrases people often think are polite that actually annoy high-level thinkers. It's often used when someone has been asked to make a decision, like what they want to do over the weekend or where they want to go out to eat. It gives off the illusion that someone is flexible, yet it can also indicate a lack of caring.
The phrase “I’m fine with whatever” is a passive-aggressive way of talking to someone. As relationship consultant Rhoberta Shaler explained, “Passive-aggressive people appear sweet, compliant, and agreeable — but are resentful, angry, and petty.”
She concluded, “Passive-aggressive people control others... by sending mixed messages, ones that leave the other person completely unclear about their actual thoughts, plans, or intentions.” This phrase is a prime example of a mixed message, as the person saying it probably isn’t as laidback as they’re claiming to be.
7. 'You seem tired'
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Commenting on someone else’s appearance is a clear sign that they weren’t raised to consider other people’s feelings. It’s generally considered rude to talk about the way other people look or present themselves, yet one phrase that seems to go under the radar of impoliteness is “you seem tired.”
On the surface, this phrase seems well-meaning, as though the person saying it is concerned for your well-being. But really, it’s a way of pointing out that you don’t look your best, which can become highly offensive to high-level thinkers whose mind works much differently and can detect condescension disguised as concern.
Getting a good night’s sleep isn’t easy, especially for new parents or people who are struggling with health issues. But telling someone they seem tired isn’t a constructive comment, and it usually just makes the person on the receiving end feel worse than they did before.
8. 'You'll understand when you're older'
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With age comes wisdom and a wider understanding of how the world works, but using this phrase is extremely annoying to high-level thinkers. It's a way to be condescending and dismissive, insulting a person's intelligence as "less than." Parents use this phrase with their children often, especially when they reach adolescence and begin to question established rules, after all.
Using this phrase might not be intentionally rude, but it cuts people down and devalues their current perspective. “You’ll understand when you’re older” isn't a straightforward answer, but rather, a response that undermines the question at hand and makes people feel small.
9. 'I'm sorry you feel that way'
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“I’m sorry you feel that way” is an insincere way to approach delicate emotional situations, and it isn’t a true apology. Rather than taking responsibility, the person using this phrase is just pushing the blame back onto the person who is hurt, making it seem like they're the ones who caused the problem in the first place.
In order to offer an actual apology, a person has to take responsibility for causing harm. Unfortunately, “I’m sorry you feel that way” is a deflection of responsibility that places fault on the person’s reaction, and not the person who hurt them. It functions in the opposite way of an actual heartfelt apology. Shelby Riley, a licensed marriage and family therapist, noted that “When used nefariously, an apology serves to shut down an argument.”
“When used for good, an apology is an effective communication tool for health and healing. It has the power to soothe and validate your partner’s reality, to repair the hurt that your mistake caused, and to hold you accountable so that you are far less likely to make the same mistake again,” she explained.
10. 'I didn't mean to upset you'
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When someone says, “I didn’t mean to upset you,” they’re shifting focus away from their own actions or behavior, onto the person who feels upset. It’s a way to deflect responsibility for doing something wrong. By saying “I didn’t mean to upset you,” a person avoids having to say they’re truly sorry.
The phrase emphasizes the person’s supposed intent, and not the actual impact of what they did that hurt the other person. This language shows up often in disagreement between couples, and can indicate that a relationship isn’t as stable as it could be, signifying that a couple has become passive-aggressive.
When someone is truly sorry for hurting someone else, they focus on what they did, and not how the other person feels, which is why saying “I didn’t mean to upset you” is incredibly annoying to high-level thinkers.
11. 'At the end of the day...'
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When people use this phrase, it's not only a way to end the discussion or disagreement, but to invalidate the other individual. "At the end of the day" is a signal for the end of the conversation, perhaps pushing aside all points of view that came before it. And it's incredibly annoying to high-level thinkers because not only is it not polite, it's insulting.
By using this phrase in conversations, it asserts only one person's perspective, dismisses any other points, and indicates that they're no longer interested in talking further. It sets their opinion as truth, disregarding any nuances or facts that don't align.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
