People Who Secretly Judge Everyone They Meet Tend To Use 11 Phrases In Casual Conversation
Maho / Shutterstock While our brains are often naturally wired to judge how trustworthy someone is on the basis of their appearance, body language, and facial expressions, according to a study published in the Journal of Neuroscience, many people who regularly judge others in harsher, more intentional ways are operating from a place of insecurity and low self-esteem. This judgment is a shield that misguidedly helps boost their confidence by bringing others down.
Whether it’s projection when they’re uncomfortable or gaslighting others in situations where they feel uncertain, people who secretly judge everyone they meet tend to use specific phrases in casual conversation that reveal what they are doing. While these phrases might seem harmless in the moment, the intentions behind them can sabotage relationships and easily chip away at other people's self-esteem.
People who secretly judge everyone they meet tend to use 11 phrases in casual conversation
1. ‘It’s just a joke’
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If someone uses a phrase like “it’s just a joke” to justify their invalidating, dismissive phrases, what they really mean is, “You can’t prove that I had bad intentions.” They project their emotional turmoil and insecurity onto others in subtle, misguided ways, but then refuse to take accountability when they’re called out.
They deflect and gaslight people into believing their hurt feelings are unjustified, usually for the sake of protecting their own fragile self-concept and comfort.
2. ‘No offense, but…’
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Someone prone to secretly judging everyone they meet is an expert at hiding from accountability. They feel a deep need to bring other people down and justify passive-aggressiveness to cope with insecurity, so they’ve found ways to dodge accountability and responsibility for their language. They refuse to own up to their behavior because they’ve found a way to justify it with misguided excuses.
From phrases like “no offense” to “that’s not what I meant,” they disguise their cruelty with vagueness. They’re always judging people and making them feel insecure, so, of course, they struggle to heal with truly healthy relationships and social networks.
3. ‘Must be nice’
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When someone assumes that someone’s achievements or success are misguided, without any real evidence to support it, it’s usually because they’re coping with their own feelings of inadequacy. According to a study published in the European Journal of Social Psychology, this behavior can also be related to entitlement. Someone who deems life unfair because they’re not achieving anything they believe they’re deserving of invalidates other people’s success to cope.
Of course, this misguided, entitled superiority complex still stems from insecurity, as an NYU study suggests, it just manifests itself in subtle phrases like “must be nice” or “Why didn’t I get that?” To cope with their own feelings of shame or insecurity, they bring others down and challenge their success, rather than being supportive.
4. ‘That’s an interesting choice’
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Instead of expressing their concerns openly and being vulnerable when things upset them, people who secretly judge everyone they meet tend to use passive phrases like “that’s an interesting choice” to express themselves. They run from conflict, but the real motivations behind this kind of language actually stem from insecurity.
That’s why insecure attachments and self-esteem issues tend to harm relationship well-being and satisfaction, as a study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy explains. The more someone worries about their fragile ego and uses misguided language, the more likely they are to replace vulnerability with passive-aggressive or gaslighting language.
5. ‘To each their own’
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While passive-aggressive comments like “to each their own” may seem harmless and insignificant in casual conversations, they actually have the power to chip away at relationship well-being and general health. Especially if someone’s trying to cope with their own fear of rejection or shame by subtly judging others, chances are resentment is blossoming with every passing phrase.
Behind these passive-aggressive phrases lies a clearly insecure person who’s trying to level the playing field with those around them by bringing others down to their level.
6. ‘That could never be me’
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Many people who struggle with self-esteem are more likely to envy others, especially those with achievements or confidence they lack, at least according to a study published in the Journal of Research in Personality. They’re constantly projecting that insecurity onto others, using phrases like “that could never be me” to pass off their guilt and shame.
But the truth is, most insecure people are operating with self-image, validation, and acceptance in mind, while a truly authentic, self-assured person cares more about personal validation. People who secretly judge everyone they meet use these phrases in casual conversations to cope with their lack of attention, not necessarily to judge someone for their choices.
7. ‘I’m just being honest’
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When someone disguises cruelty and passive-aggressive language with honesty, what they’re really saying is, “It’s easier for me to attack you than to change my language.” They’re hiding their cruelty behind vague language and brutal honesty, when in reality, all they’re trying to do is avoid being called out.
Chronically insecure, judgmental people may latch onto someone they’re jealous of, break down their excitement, and use passive-aggressive language, but they’re never going to take accountability for it. Even when they’re called out, this excuse is simply a means to sidestep responsibility for being rude and to protect their fragile ego.
8. ‘Everyone knows that’
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Many people who struggle with an inferiority complex feel consistently less worthy than the people around them. While some cope with isolation and people-pleasing behaviors, others turn cruel and attack other people to feel a misguided sense of superiority. They believe that bringing other people down is the key to feeling more important, even if that couldn’t be further from the truth.
“Everyone knows that” is simply a manifestation of that. It is a way of attacking someone’s intelligence or contributions to a conversation to make more space for one's own misguided superiority.
9. ‘I wouldn’t have done that’
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While it’s true that some people make judgments about other people based on their past behavior, chronically negative, judgmental people are actually projecting their own struggles and experiences when they attack others. “I wouldn’t have done that” isn’t necessarily criticizing someone else’s behavior. Instead, it might be projecting an insecure person’s discomfort and personal feelings of inadequacy.
They’re so caught up in protecting their self-image and fitting in that noticing someone else engaging in authentic behavior feels like a personal attack, shining a light on their own insecurities.
10. ‘I just do things differently’
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Many judgmental people constantly live in a state of insecurity, judging and comparing themselves to others for a sense of security. So, even if it’s entirely subconscious, judgmental people also hold other people to those misguided expectations, using phrases like “I just do things differently” and “I’d never do that” to express their discomfort.
While it might feel subtle, comparison culture in our society can truly harm personal well-being and relationships. Not only does it encourage people to swap authenticity with rigid expectations and conformity, but it also shames them for being individuals.
11. ‘I’m surprised you’re okay with that’
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According to psychologist Dana Harron, many judgmental people use subtle passive-aggressive phrases like this and misguided behaviors, such as dismissing someone’s concerns, to protect themselves from feelings of inferiority and insecurity. “I’m surprised you’re okay with that,” in response to someone’s vulnerability, only invalidates their feelings and undermines safe spaces for opening up.
Rather than creating space for people to feel comfortable expressing emotions with them, they bring down other people for being honest and subtly judge them with passive-aggressive phrases like this.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
