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If you want to feel secure in your relationship, pick someone with these qualities!
By Susan Saint-Welch — Written on Jul 23, 2022
People with a secure attachment style have certain personality traits that allow them to approach their relationships differently from those who typically form problematic relationships.
Secure people are confident, emotionally open, and loving. In turn, the fortunate person they love will feel secure, treasured, emotionally safe, and highly valued by their secure partner.
In a study by Cindy Hazan Ph.D. and Phillip Shaver Ph.D., only 56 percent of people reported enjoying secure relationship attachments.
But in order to attract someone with this list of personality traits, you need to first learn and cultivate these qualities in yourself. Emotionally healthy people tend to attract a partner and friends with the same degree of self-esteem and level of emotional health that they have themselves.
You can learn and cultivate these personality traits by observing healthy people, practicing the skills over time, and especially connecting with a therapist or relationship coach who can teach you the skills of having a secure attachment.
Some of these traits are not immediately obvious but will be revealed as you develop a healthy relationship over time.
Here are the 14 personality traits that identify potential candidates for your secure relationship attachment.
1. They desire emotional intimacy.
They want to feel close and connected to their partner.
When they feel happy or sad, they will reach out to their partner and want to spend time with them in meaningful activities.
2. They are emotionally responsive.
A partner with a secure attachment style will be open and responsive to their partner, both physically and emotionally. They feel present to their partner and will be aware of their partner’s presence.
3. They are emotionally secure.
According to Wikipedia, "a person whose general happiness is not very shaken even by major disturbances in the pattern or fabric of their life" would be seen as emotionally secure.
4. They show empathy.
A person with a secure attachment will demonstrate compassion and understanding with their mate and with others.
5. They correctly read other people’s emotions.
They are able to correctly identify the cues of how other people may be feeling. This helps them to know how to respond to their partner more easily.
They are also able to pick up on their mate’s feelings and will be more adept at understanding their partner.
6. They have healthy self-esteem.
Secure people feel good about themselves. They are confident in their abilities to succeed and are secure about their worth to others.
Being secure in themselves makes them more likely to attract a partner who is also emotionally healthy. They are more likely to feel secure in the love of their partner and to trust that love is genuine.
7. They understand their own emotions.
People with this personality trait are aware of and understand their emotions. For instance, they don’t confuse frustration with anger or lust with love.
8. They tolerate and regulate negative emotions.
This recognition allows them to make decisions about what action to take (if any).
They process how they feel before taking action.
9. They recover quickly from negative experiences.
People with secure attachments process their feelings so they are able to move on from negative experiences more quickly.
10. They have a high tolerance for frustration.
They can tolerate frustrating circumstances and will be able to move forward in deciding what action if any to take in that situation.
They are more capable of working through difficult times in a relationship.
11. They are confident in their abilities.
They know themselves well and are aware of their talents and abilities in a variety of skills and situations.
They know their own worth in relationships.
12. They manage and regulate stress.
Life is often very stressful. These people take care of their physical and emotional health so they are more able to manage stressful situations.
They think through difficult moments before taking action.
13. They quickly recover from failure.
Secure people understand that failure is an opportunity to learn from one’s mistakes. They are not defined by their failures and are more open to admitting when they are wrong.
When things don’t go well in a relationship, they believe they can try again.
14. They understand the perspective of the other person.
They are able to put themselves in the other person’s position without necessarily agreeing with them.
If the other person feels heard and understood they are more likely to feel more open to hearing their partner’s point of view as well.
What if you don't have these traits? What if you lean more towards the other attachment styles?
Few people are fortunate enough to have grown up with parents who somehow already knew how to create emotionally secure attachments in their children. After all, parenting styles are usually passed down from generation to generation and are not taught in school.
But there are also individuals who learned the skills over time or with professional guidance. So don’t give up if you don’t have these personality traits.
Learn the skills that people with secure personality traits and practice them in healthy relationships.
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Susan Saint-Welch, LMFT, is a marriage and family psychotherapist who has been practicing in-person and online in the South Bay of the Los Angeles area for over 20 years and is passionate about helping families and couples learn healthy communication skills. For more, follow her on her website.