People Who Never Get Taken Advantage Of Do These 15 Things When They Catch Someone In A Lie
It's one thing to know when someone is lying, it's a whole other set of skills to know what to do next.
Xandro Vandewalle | Pexels What a wonderful world it would be if everyone committed to being completely truthful and trustworthy with each other. But in the meantime, we need to learn to identify lies and know how to handle the deceiver. After all, it's one thing to know when someone is lying, it's another thing to know what to do next.
Yes, we must resign ourselves to the fact that there are people who choose to take advantage of others. Even if you understand how to tell if someone is lying, it can still be devastating when you catch someone not telling the truth. That's why you need a plan for what to do next time someone lies to you.
People who never get taken advantage of do these things when catching someone in a lie:
1. They resist the urge to let it slide
Ignoring devious behavior will only perpetuate unhealthy patterns. Staying silent will not honor yourself and won’t do anything to help the disingenuous person.
A 2010 Consciousness and Cognition study of the east of lying demonstrated the obvious: "Frequent truth telling made lying more difficult, that frequent lying made lying easier," and "habitual lying makes the lie response more dominant." So, don't let any lies slide.
2. They weigh the impact
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Ask yourself how the dishonest behavior has affected you. Every deceitful “transaction” costs you something. What was it? How much can you afford?
3. They ponder the wisest approach
Before you move into action (or fly off the handle), take a deep breath and consider your options. A knee-jerk response may inflame an already heated situation.
4. They address the behavior
It’s best to stay focused on the actions — what was done and how it affected you. Finger-pointing and accusing, even if deserved, will put the person on the defensive and stifle any constructive conversation.
Yvonne K. Fulbright Ph.D., recommended, "What you have to say will be more powerful, and hopefully better heard, if you own it with an 'I' statement (e.g., 'I feel sad when you…'). Taking responsibility for your feelings and perspectives empowers you to create better solutions in that you’ll be better heard."
5. They ask direct questions
If you suspect someone has lied or manipulated you, remember that you are entitled to the truth. Don’t drop the matter until you are satisfied with the answers.
6. They reject minimizing of the lie
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Some people try to minimize dishonest behavior by trying to pass it off as a little white lie, a fib, or insisting it’s no big deal. Deceitful actions are a big deal and shouldn’t be shrugged off.
A 2001 study of the perception of everyday liars showed they are usually "experiencing little guilt and mental effort whilst lying, experiencing duping delight, finding lying easy and that the lies are undetectable."
7. They determine if the person is willing to tell the truth
When confronted, lots of people try to cover it up with another lie, and then another. Damaged trust can be restored only when the person takes responsibility for his/her actions.
8. They get a second opinion on the lie
Those who traffic in untruths are masters of misdirection and misperception, leaving you thoroughly confused. Ask a trusted friend or counselor for a reality check so you can separate lies from truth.
9. They honor their instincts
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Permit yourself to respond in the way you feel is best. If you have doubts and misgivings about someone’s trustworthiness, listen closely to what your heart and head are telling you.
10. They refuse to be the scapegoat
Dishonest people will sometimes try to turn the tables and make you out to be the one with the problem, saying that you’re overreacting and reading into things. Don’t play along with that kind of manipulation.
11. They make boundaries clear
The best way to avoid future problems is to be direct about your expectations. Let them know directly what the results of their continuing lies will be and what your response will be when they lie to you. If they know you won't tolerate their deceptive ways, they are less likely to continue the lies.
12. They understand that it's rarely just one lie
Often, a person who will deceive you once will deceive you again. This tracks with the patterns of lying that become an unconscious habit in that part of the deceiver. Their lies have become so ingrained that they do not even recognize, nor need to hide, the fact that they are lying anymore.
13. They don’t become enmeshed with the lie-teller
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This means becoming over-involved or overly responsible for the other person. You might be tempted to try to “fix” the situation. But you can only control your actions.
14. They're honest with themselves
Sometimes the best way to deal with a dishonest person is to make sure you are completely honest. Even if the other person does not know or care about your dedication to truthfulness, you will know and be proud of your integrity.
Personal development coach Jan Bowen advised, "If you haven’t been totally honest, it may be difficult to find the words to speak up initially, but once you do, honesty and living your life with integrity will become the only way you will accept to live. If you don’t speak up for yourself, who will?"
15. They distance themselves from the deceiver
When you realize the other person is not willing to shoot straight with you and won’t take responsibility, there’s little chance trust can be regained. So walk away.
If this means ending a relationship, so be it. There are too many good, honest people in the world to get yourself tangled up with someone dishonest.
eHarmony is a YourTango contributor.
