People With Offensively Low Emotional IQ Usually Show 9 Traits Right Before They Betray You
Dean Drobot | Shutterstock You can't always pick gossips or drama-mongers out of a crowd, but as you look closer, the traits get easier to spot.
The way someone talks about other people when they're not around shows whether they can be trusted. Once you know what someone with offensively low emotional IQ looks like, you can protect yourself with strong boundaries. Watching for these traits can protect you from being betrayed.
9 traits people with low EQ show right before they betray you:
1. They share other people's secrets
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According to a research article in the European Journal of Social Psychology, gossip has a distinct social function. It increases the intimacy of social bonds and outlines the differences between in-groups and out-groups.
This isn't the worst thing, in fact it can keep people safe. But people who are in the business of betrayal don't do it for the good of anyone but themselves.
People with low emotional IQ will tell you how trustworthy they are, then turn around and share things you've told them in confidence. Gossipy people rely on gaining other people's trust, even when they don't plan on keeping it. They put up a facade of trustworthiness, so that people let their guards down and share private information, which they don't hesitate to tell.
Remember: If they share everyone else's secrets, they're going to share yours, too.
2. They're clearly judgmental
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We all pass judgment, it's human nature that can serve us well at times. But gossipy people tend to frame their personal opinions of others as the absolute truth, which means they don't n hold space for people to change or show who they really are over time. Worse, they make being judgmental and snarky part of their personality.
People with low EQ who always start drama usually lean into being judgmental, rather than trying to curb that impulse. Seeing themselves as superior to others gives them permission to spread gossip, which is what they thrive on.
3. They issue vague warnings about people
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People who don't have a lot of emotional self-awareness tend to share vague warnings about other people that aren't necessarily honest When they find out that a friend is dating someone, they might tell them, "Just be careful around him," yet they don't offer any solid details about why.
They place themselves in a position of power over others by dropping breadcrumbs about people, but they keep those warnings vague to ensure they still hold sway.
If you press them for more information, they'll play it cool and deflect your questions by changing the topic of conversation. Gossipy people rely on holding your attention to feel empowered, which is why they often exaggerate the truth. It's almost like they're lording the information over you so they have control.
4. They don't share their own vulnerable stories
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People whose EQ is offensively low don't share personal information about their own lives because they don't want it being used against them. They put up walls to keep people at a distance, which means they tend not to have any true friendships. They see relationships as transactional, focusing more on what people can give them than on creating actual connections.
Instead, they tell funny stories or other people's vulnerable stories. This creates false intimacy that doesn't actually connect people.
They see the world from a warped perspective, believing that everyone else is as gossip-hungry as they are. For that reason, they don't open up to people in any real way, because they don't want anything they say to be used against them later.
5. They play both sides
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People who are gossipy tend to maintain alliances with people who don't get along with each other. They often act as a messenger between opposing social groups, leaking information that keeps the fires of conflict burning.
This isn't because they're so magnanimous that they can get along with everyone, it's to create an ever-flowing resource for gossip. Gossipers are more likely to share positive information about members of their own social group while revealing negative information about people outside of their group.
Gossipy people have leverage over others, meaning that they decide to share or withhold crucial personal information. Yet ultimately, the researchers found that high-frequency gossipers were seen as less powerful and less likable than low-frequency gossipers. They also noted that negative gossipers were less liked than positive gossipers.
While spreading gossip might give people a jolt of power, it usually isn't long-lasting, and the negative implications of being a gossipy person who starts drama outweigh the positives.
6. They have a victim mentality
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Another subtle trait of people with low EQ people who always start drama is that they maintain a victim mentality whenever someone calls them out for being gossipy. If they're confronted about their penchant for starting drama, they frame themselves as the ones who are being treated poorly. They often say that no one understands them, or they make generalized, sweeping statements about how other people are against them.
They believe they're the true victims. They think their "enemies" are out to get them, rather than acknowledging that spreading rumors about other people is bully behavior. As trauma therapist Nancy Carbone points out, "Nothing you say will help someone with a self-defeatist attitude, but there is some unhealthy pleasure they derive from seeking sympathy while being in crisis as a form of attention-seeking behavior. It's not your job to rescue negative people who do not want to save themselves."
7. They pretend to be concerned about others
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People with low EQ don't always have the mindsight skills to imagine what other people's experiences in any situation might be. They are primarily focused on what will get them attention, which means they often pretend to be concerned about other people's well-being when they aren't actually concerned at all.
They disguise gossip as expressing how worried they are about someone, saying things like, "I feel so bad for Madison, did you hear what her boyfriend did?"
They ask gently probing questions about other people's problems. They fake being empathic so people will share what they're going through, and then, they use that information against them.
A study published in Frontiers in Psychology looked at both the "bright" and "dark" sides of gossip, noting that gossiping is usually seen as a negative behavior, even though it's very widespread. Gossip tends to have detrimental emotional consequences, as it decreases trust and a sense of psychological safety. The researchers referenced a previous study, which found that 73% of participants recalled gossip they had heard about themselves, either from the recipient or learning it accidentally.
People with low EQ feel they've really done some good when pretending to be concerned, when they didn't actually do anything at all.
8. They're inconsistently loyal
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Low EQ people tend to have a widespread social network, but they're not particularly close with anyone. It might appear as though they fit in with the popular crowd, but in reality, they have only a few friends, because they easily discard people who don't provide the drama they need to fuel their habit for gossip.
They form alliances, rather than true friendships. They might be loyal to one group, only to switch their loyalties when it gives them an advantage over other people.
When gossip is used to extend the reach of a person's power or to damage someone else's reputation, it's classified as indirect aggression. The authors noted that indirect aggression is related to relationship aggression, which they defined as "Covert aggressive behavior that is intended to harm someone by damaging or manipulating his or her relationships with others."
Gossipy people who always start drama usually don't have the best intentions. They tend not to care how their gossipy behavior impacts other people, and they usually display a lack of empathy and compassion when they're confronted about spreading rumors. They do whatever it takes to stay on top, which is why they base their loyalty off who can give them what they need.
9. They shift blame
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People who always start drama and thrive in it don't take accountability for the negative consequences of their actions. Instead, they find someone else to pin blame on, which usually starts even more drama.
Even if they understand that being gossipy hurts people, it's highly unlikely that they'll own up to their poor behavior. On the off-chance that they apologize, it's usually a fake apology, designed to keep the blame off them. They might say, "I'm sorry you feel that way," which isn't a truly heart-felt apology.
Blame-shifting is just one more way that gossipy people ignite drama and keep fanning the flames.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer who covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with psychology and wellness.
