There’s Often Something Going On With People Who Can’t Stop Making Snarky Remarks
Andrii Iemelianenko | Shutterstock Whether you snarkily bring up what's going on in other people's lives while catching up with an old friend, or are browsing mean headlines in the morning news, we all tend to make snarky remarks from time to time. In fact, a study from the American Psychological Association found that people spend about 52 minutes per day gossiping or making snarky comments. While it may seem like a normal part of staying in control, there are reasons we tend to speak behind the backs of other people.
People talk about others to bond with their peers, to entertain themselves, to exchange information, and to vent emotions. While you may have a stereotypical idea of what gossip is (such as a teenager who talks about her friends behind their backs), the truth is, we're all guilty of saying something snarky and mean.
There's often something going on with people who can't stop making snarky remarks:
1. They crave a sense of intimacy
Someone who talks about other people might be convinced that gossiping is a form of intimacy. And in some ways, it is. Professor Frank T. McAndrew, Ph.D., Cornelia H. Dudley Professor of Psychology at Knox College in Galesburg, Illinois, told NBC News that "gossiping is a social skill." However, building a relationship on negative gossip isn’t a good idea. If all you do is make snarky remarks, it can make it difficult for your friends to fully trust you.
2. They are self-critical
Pixel-Shot via Shutterstock
If someone can't stop criticizing their peers, research showed it's a good sign that they are also hyper-critical of themselves. The kinder you are to yourself, the kinder you will be to others. It goes both ways. People who don't feel the need to gossip about others are sure of themselves, or they've found a healthier way to cope with their frustrations about others.
3. They need reassurance
A study of attachment explained how people need reassurance to invoke the concept of trust, something that allows people to be open and authentic. Gossipping or making snarky remarks helps alleviate doubts and insecurities, providing a sense of validation and comfort in uncertain situations. Reassurance fosters a sense of trust and stability, boosting confidence and allowing individuals to navigate challenges with a greater sense of peace and resilience.
There is a difference between positive gossip and negative gossip. Telling your friend about a serial cheater to prevent them from dating them is different from gossiping to one of your roommates about the other. Be smart and selective about who you decide you're comfortable sharing information with, and focus on sharing helpful information instead of negative information. It's okay to complain and vent about your life, but you never know who might spread your secrets.
4. They are lonely and bored with their lives
KANGWANS via Shutterstock
Sometimes, people don't feel secure in their relationships or friendships. They've forgotten how to behave like a normal adult around others. Or perhaps, they are so bored with their lives that they have to invent a reason to be upset.
Studies of the effect of negativity on interpersonal chemistry supported the bonding aspect of talking badly about other people. The findings showed how close friends use "sharing a negative, as compared to a positive, attitude about a third party is particularly effective in promoting closeness between people." The study also explained how bonding through negativity tends to happen without the direct awareness of the gossiping friends.
5. They are trying to spread information
Let's say you've just started a new position at a company where a lot of your co-workers have been working for a long time. If a co-worker gives information about how the boss reacts negatively to tardiness, it could be helpful information to learn.
This is called pro-social gossip, which is a good thing because it's ultimately used to help and promote cooperation between others. Research indicated how socially aware behaviors include "the sharing of negative evaluative information about a target in a way that protects others from antisocial or exploitative behavior."
6. They are afraid to work on themselves
Iammotos via Shutterstock
Instead of questioning their own actions, people rely on gossip as a form of self-validation. Career consultant Susan Kulakowski, MS/MBA, explains that "we validate our own opinions when the other gossiper agrees." However, she warns, "There's nothing to be learned about ourselves or others when we gossip. Gossip is a means of reinforcing the opinion, 'I’m right. We’re right. No need to open our minds to new ideas or experiences.'"
7. They have a survival instinct
Gossiping is in our genes as a survival instinct. A study in social strategies showed how gossiping can serve as a survival instinct by helping individuals gather information about potential threats and allies within their social group. Sharing information about others' behaviors and experiences allows individuals to assess the reliability and trustworthiness of those around them, aiding in making informed decisions.
Gossiping or making snarky remarks can also reinforce social bonds and strengthen group cohesion by establishing common knowledge and shared values. Furthermore, by participating in gossip, individuals can establish their own reputation, enhance their social standing, and gain protection from potential threats within their community.
8. They struggle with identity
Myroslava Malovana via Shutterstock
Gossiping or making snarky remarks can be driven by identity struggles as it allows individuals to compare themselves to others and gain a sense of superiority or validation. By engaging in gossip, individuals may seek to distance themselves from traits or behaviors they find undesirable in others, reaffirming their own identity and values.
Gossip can also serve as a means of shaping and reinforcing group norms, allowing individuals to align themselves with certain social identities or reject others. Gossiping about others' identities and choices can provide a temporary distraction from one's own insecurities and internal conflicts.
9. They are jealous
Jealousy often fuels gossip as it provides an avenue to express resentment or frustration towards those we perceive as having what we desire. By gossiping about individuals who evoke jealousy, we can attempt to tarnish their reputations and level the playing field in our minds.
Gossiping or making snarky remarks about others' achievements or possessions may also serve as a coping mechanism to alleviate feelings of inadequacy or inferiority. Engaging in gossip about those we envy can provide a sense of temporary satisfaction or superiority, offering a way to confront our own jealousy indirectly.
10. They want to fit in
Gossiping or making snarky remarks often emerges from the fight to fit in, as it allows individuals to establish or reinforce social connections within a group. By engaging in gossip, individuals can signal their willingness to conform to group norms and demonstrate their knowledge of shared information. Gossiping about others can also serve as a bonding mechanism, creating a sense of camaraderie and belonging among those who participate.
It can be used strategically as a means to gain social status or leverage within a social group, positioning oneself as an insider or influencer. What to do if someone is making snarky remarks: If someone is talking behind your back and you find out, the first thing you should do is take a pause and process that information. Try to focus on the positive aspects of the situation and shift your perspective.
Second, if gossiping makes you uncomfortable, try your best to avoid participating in or listening to it. However, if you discover that you are the target of hurtful gossip, consider addressing the person directly and assertively expressing your feelings without blaming or accusing them.
In some cases, it may be best to ignore the gossip and not give it unnecessary attention, as rumors often fade over time. Remind yourself that the actions of others do not define your worth or character, and focus on building resilience in the face of gossip. Because you are above nasty rumors.
Izzy Casey’s work is published in or forthcoming from Corriere della Sera, The Iowa Review, Bennington Review, Gulf Coast, Black Warrior Review, BOATT, NY Tyrant, and elsewhere. She received her MFA from the Iowa Writers’ Workshop.
