Men Who Stay Up After Everyone Is Asleep Are Usually Thinking About These 11 Things
Marjan Apostolovic | Shutterstock A Sleep Research Society study found that syncing sleep schedules and going to bed at the same time is often associated with higher relationship satisfaction and couple closeness in a marriage. It’s the small things we tend to overlook, like cuddling in bed and verbally checking in with our partners, that make a big difference in both our relationship and sleep patterns.
However, some men find it easier to avoid this time when they’re dealing with inner turmoil or stress. They stay awake, indulge in night owl behaviors, and even leverage mindless entertainment as an escape from everything they’re dealing with internally. Men who stay up after everyone is asleep are usually thinking about these things, even if they’re not consciously aware of them.
Men who stay up after everyone is asleep are usually thinking about these 11 things:
1. The stress of the next day
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Dreading the stress and responsibilities of the next day, it’s not uncommon for men to stay up after everyone is asleep — overthinking and worrying about everything they need to do. Even if they’re not actively working or cleaning at home, they’ll likely fall into a spiral where going to be feels like another step closer to the next day’s stress.
While missing out on sleep at night is often rooted in poor coping strategies, a study from the Sleep Medicine journal found that people who lean into positive, healthy coping practices during the day are often less stressed and more set up for good rest at night. So, by setting a bedtime and taking steps to cope healthily throughout the day, these men are better off resting at night.
2. Their suppressed emotions
According to a Stanford Medicine study, “night owl” behavior often harms mental health. Especially for people already dealing with a lot of stress and emotional turmoil in their lives, staying up later and risking a loss of sleep can easily amplify those feelings.
Lying awake at night, missing out on quality time with a partner, and leaning into more screen time than is necessary often urges these men to overthink. Without healthy coping skills to address their internal emotions, they fall into a spiral of stress and strain quickly.
3. Relationship struggles
Men typically “need” and rely on their relationships with women more than the other, largely because they provide a safe space for vulnerability that they don’t receive from their familial and platonic relationships. So, when there’s a sense of disconnection in their marriage or a lack of trust growing in their relationship, grappling with that on their own can feel impossible.
Men who stay up after everyone is asleep are usually thinking about these things — they don’t want to voice it out loud, but may be actively coping by staying up later and avoiding quality time in bed together.
4. A need to escape
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Many people who don’t have the skills to regulate themselves through complex emotions or deal with their emotional turmoil will use any distraction necessary to escape the discomfort they feel. Whether it’s unhealthy vices, doomscrolling on their phones, or indulging in mindless entertainment on the TV, they’re desperately running from quiet, introspective, alone time.
While it might offer a fleeting sense of ease and comfort, a study from the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology suggests that this avoidance only further amplifies life stress and dysregulation in the long run.
Men who stay up after everyone is asleep are usually thinking about avoidance and escape, usually that comes from lying awake in bed, to cope with their own complex emotions.
5. How to fix issues in his life
Men who stay up after everyone is asleep are usually thinking about issues to fix in their lives. Whether it’s struggles with their kids, disconnection from their partners, or financial struggles, it’s often husbands — at least in stereotypical and traditional relationships — that are expected to “protect” the family and solve the issues.
However, the more pressure men feel to fit in with this masculine archetype and “fix” everything around them, the more aggressive and unhappy they tend to become. So, suppose they’re staying up late at the expense of their rest, leaning into this pressure, and avoiding important quality time before bed with a partner. In that case, they’re setting themselves up for an unhappy, dysregulated life.
6. Whether or not he’s doing enough
According to Professor Iskra Fileva, many men feel consistently inadequate in their relationships and families because of traditional, toxic gender roles. The standard of masculinity they hold themselves to is not only cold and disconnected, but also unrealistic.
To be fully regulated and happy, these men need to lean into emotional connection, social support, and vulnerability, but often feel pressured away from it by gender norms and traditional expectations. When they stay up later than their families and give into overthinking spirals, it may not be these things they’re thinking about, but the internal chaos they’re dealing with is connected to these roles and pressures.
7. Feeling disconnected
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Whether it’s disconnection from himself, his family, or a partner, a man may stay up later than everyone else, worrying about these things. Spending time alone feels like the only space he has to truly connect with himself, because around everyone else, he feels subtly misunderstood and unimportant.
While it might not seem like a conscious decision, understanding others and feeling understood in return is incredibly important for healthy, close relationships. It bonds us closer together, reassures our self-image, and promotes better self-esteem, but without it, we feel dysregulated and stressed.
8. Old regrets and mistakes
According to therapist Dr. John Gottman, many partners who are coping with regret in their marriages or going through a rough patch start to consider their marital past through a darkened lens. Choices, decisions, and memories that used to be uplifting and empowering are now tainted with resentment and frustration.
Men who stay up after everyone is asleep are usually thinking about these things — pondering old regrets and beating themselves up about the current state of their life.
9. Pressures to provide and protect
Toxic, traditional gender roles for men and pressures to “provide” and “protect” are not only causing more immediate stress and unhappiness for men today, but they’re also shortening their life spans, according to a study from the Psychology of Men & Masculinities journal. So, it’s no surprise that men who stay up later than everyone else and lean into overthinking spirals are dealing with this every single day.
Even if they don’t have the words to verbalize their discontent with these roles or even the self-awareness to understand where they fit into their lives, they’re feeling the unsatisfactory consequences of feeding into them.
10. Loneliness
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Research shows that people experiencing loneliness also report lower sleep quality and rest. They’re staying up later, struggling to fall asleep, and overlooking the importance of habits and routines that make resting much easier.
Men who stay up after everyone is asleep are ironically isolating themselves, grappling with loneliness by avoiding hard conversations and protecting themselves from feeling like a burden to the people in their lives.
11. Feeling unlovable
For men who hold themselves to unrealistic gender roles and expectations, struggling to protect or provide in certain aspects of their lives can bring a wave of complicated emotions.
Especially if they’ve tied their self-worth to how well they can mold into these gender roles or even cultivate a relationship with someone who ties their romantic love into them, falling short can make them feel entirely unworthy and unlovable.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
