If A Man Actually Understands Women, He'll Stop Saying These 11 Things Altogether
They're secure enough to learn, grow, and support women as they are.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock Considering many men have their own interests and beliefs at the core of their interactions with women, it’s not surprising that they often misconstrue or misinterpret a woman’s behaviors or language, at least according to a study from Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. Their expectations hinder and bias their perceptions of women, leading to misunderstandings that can cause tension, disconnection, and even fear.
From using phrases like “you’re not like other girls” to “you’re so emotional,” if a man actually understands women, he’ll stop saying these things altogether. Of course, it’s not easy to completely rewire the brain to get rid of this kind of language, or to even lean into uncomfortable conversations and situations to learn about a woman’s experience, but it’s necessary to start addressing misguided gender norms and to promote healthier interactions between men and women in general.
If a man actually understands women, he'll stop saying these 11 things altogether
1. ‘You’re being so emotional’
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If a man truly understands women and the context of society that they’re living in, he’ll stop using targeted phrases like “you’re being so emotional” entirely. Emotionality is often framed within the gender binary, specifically for women, in unhelpful and toxic ways, which is why phrases like this are so unsuspectingly harmful.
Like clinical psychologist Catherine Aponte explains, women are largely undermined for expressing emotion, even if it’s a healthy and authentic expression. They’re ridiculed. Their views are invalidated alongside natural emotion. They’re fighting for space in “professional” and male-dominated environments, pressured to hide their emotions to be “taken seriously.”
Criticizing and condemning a person’s emotions, specifically a woman’s emotions, goes far beyond simply de-escalating a conflict or protecting personal comfort. It’s harmful on so many levels, but at the core, it’s invalidating and dismissive.
2. ‘That’s just how boys are’
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On both sides of the aisle, men and women are feeling consistently misrepresented and misunderstood by each other, at least according to a study from the Survey Center on American Life. Whether it’s behavioral tensions, fears and anxieties, or relationship struggles together, sometimes language is right at the heart of this issue.
When people use phrases like “that’s just how boys are” or “boys will be boys,” specifically to respond to a woman’s hurt and pain, it only minimizes her experience. It removes any kind of accountability from a man who’s been hurtful or ignorant, and places the burden of shame and blame squarely on women.
However, if a man actually understands women and also understands that anyone, regardless of gender, has the capacity to take accountability and change their behavior, he’ll stop saying these things altogether.
3. ‘You’re not like other girls’
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Historically, many men who use this phrase as a compliment don’t truly understand women and all of their complexities. They use it as a compliment, arguing that a woman “isn’t like” the stereotypical parts of a woman that society has deemed “bad” — whether it’s emotional expression or feminine self-expression — but only ends up invalidating and bringing down other women in the process.
They may not realize it, but using “you’re not like other girls” is a representation of a historically prominent behavior: pitting women against each other in the race for male attention and validation. They’re essentially saying, “You’re not feminine, emotional, or agreeable like society’s misguided perception of a woman, therefore, I like you more.”
Some women even adopt this strange, toxic ideology, riddled with internalized misogyny. They try to be “the cool girl” or a quirky tomboy, not because they like it, but because it makes them more appealing to men. It’s ironic, considering the context of femininity in our culture and how stereotypically feminine-presenting women are treated, but still something that men and women have to acknowledge to move forward in a more inclusive, healthy way.
4. ‘You’d be prettier if you smiled’
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Women aren’t here for the visual pleasure or appeasement of men, even if society structures expectations and norms with that belief at their core. Of course, not every man who uses a phrase like this or similar ones believes that women are simply objects for men’s entertainment, but it certainly comes across that way.
According to a PLOS One study, things like attractiveness, openness, and desire all play a role in female objectification — viewing women as objects — and even when men aren’t aware that their language or behaviors feed into this struggle, they’re still harmful.
Men who understand women’s experience from the outside and understand the women in their lives stop saying things like this altogether, not just as a statement against societal injustice, but because they see these women as their full human selves, rather than objects.
5. ‘Can’t you take a joke?’
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Accepting, laughing at, and enjoying misogynistic jokes is often also correlated with internalized misogynistic beliefs, so no, we can’t “just take a joke,” and neither should anyone else who understands and sticks up for women. If someone is hurtful or makes a misogynistic joke at the expense of women’s comfort in the room, they’re the ones who have to take accountability.
A question like this only invalidates women’s hurt or offense, burdening them with self-soothing and minimizing their own feelings. A man who truly understands women won’t just avoid saying a question like this — he’ll also avoid telling harmful, misogynistic jokes altogether.
6. ‘I don’t see gender’
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Language often shifts and evolves. Things that were once considered healthy and empowering are now dismissive and invalidating for a new set of reasons. Especially with Gen Z and other generations who’ve adopted “cancel culture” mindsets, the shifting of language can cause tension amongst people being misrepresented as misogynists, simply because of the old-fashioned language they choose.
However, there’s a difference between using a phrase like “I don’t see gender” to advocate for women’s equitable demands and then using it as a way to dismiss and invalidate a woman’s experience in its entirety. Just like “I don’t see color,” a harmful phrase that often undermines the history, story, legacy, experiences, and knowledge of POC people in the United States, phrases like this are better left unsaid.
Women want to be seen in their authentic identities — from gender to self-expression and language. However, a phrase like this sounds like their gender plays no role and shouldn’t be acknowledged at all, which is far from what feminist principles and advocates actually want.
7. ‘My ex was crazy’
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While men speaking negatively about an ex could simply be a sign that they’re not over it or are still coping with a breakup, it’s also largely a red flag, depending on the kind of language they use. A phrase like “my ex was crazy,” specifically talking about a woman, often conveys an entire lack of respect that draws on stereotypes of “crazy women” to get the point across.
If a man actually understands women and uses emotional intelligence to heal and cope with the end of a relationship, even if it was a toxic one, he’ll stop saying these things altogether. Even if he was hurt or manipulated by an ex, there’s a baseline level of respect that influences the language and phrasing he uses to explain.
8. ‘Females are too much drama’
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Without getting too deep into the differences between biological females and women, as a gender construct, using “females” to speak to or acknowledge a woman is deeply harmful and misogynistic. “Female” is a scientific noun or an adjective to describe, like “female dancer,” but when it’s used in place of “woman,” it often reduces women down to biology.
Especially when it’s made alongside misogynistic comments like “being too dramatic” or used with a disrespectful or superior tone, it’s dehumanizing. It’s cold and clinical, not “scientifically accurate.”
Outside of that one word specifically, this phrase in general is a sweeping accusation that often removes the individuality and personhood from women, casting them into a toxic societal bucket full of misguided stereotypes and expectations.
9. ‘What were you wearing?’
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When women bring up harm, discrimination, or discomfort in the context of men, a question like “What were you wearing?” shifts the blame away from perpetrators onto the victim. It’s a subtle way for people to victim-blame women for being open, honest, and brave about their experiences, largely with the caveat that they had to “do something wrong” to be subjected to gender-based violence or harm.
It’s not a sweeping generalization or fallacy, either — many women don’t feel safe to talk about these experiences or to seek justice for their pain, because our society operates under patriarchal norms that assume women “lie” to break down male superiority and power.
Even though men are historically more likely to perceive women based on appearance alone — what they’re wearing and how they look — that doesn’t mean women should be at fault for personal harm because of how they express themselves. Men should take accountability for not being able to regulate themselves or take accountability, and men who truly understand women also understand that.
10. ‘You’re hot when you’re mad’
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When a man uses a phrase like this, he’s not only trivializing and invalidating a woman’s emotions, he’s also objectifying her and invalidating her anger. The objectification of women isn’t always obvious, but it’s just as powerfully rooted in unsuspecting phrases like this one.
Of course, outside of a gendered context, this kind of emotional invalidation is also incredibly toxic — sparking disconnection, psychological distress, and chronic stress, according to a study from Psychological Reports. So, if a man actually understands women and cares about supporting the women in his life, he’ll stop saying these things altogether.
11. ‘That’s just how I was raised’
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According to a study from Psychological Reports, childhood experiences, specifically adverse ones, often influence adult behaviors, mindsets, and relationships down the road. But that doesn’t mean that these things are set in stone or unable to be changed.
In fact, if a man is using a phrase like “that’s just how I was raised” to justify harmful, hurtful, and toxic behavior, chances are it’s not his childhood motivating his behavior, but a sense of internal insecurity that prevents him from taking accountability or responsibility for his own actions.
Men who are internally secure and assured enough to not only understand and learn from women, but also take accountability in their lives, will never say phrases like this, especially to justify behaviors that hurt the women in their lives.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
