If Your Husband Uses These 11 Simple Phrases, He’s Losing Hope In The Marriage
Billion Photos / Shutterstock Every marriage is naturally going to have its ups and downs. As much as we may want to believe that perfect happily ever afters are real, reality is much more nuanced. There will be times when it feels like one or both spouses are losing hope in the marriage, and this will be reflected in the things they say, but that doesn’t mean the marriage is over.
Sometimes, though, a marriage really is on the rocks. Couples therapist Kerry Lusignan, LMHC, said that it’s easy to ask yourself if putting work into your marriage will make it better, but it’s even harder to determine the answer. There are times when your husband will tap into these feelings deeply and feel like he’s seeing the writing on the wall. This will bring him to the point of losing hope in the marriage, and some simple phrases can let you know that he feels that way.
If your husband uses these 11 simple phrases, he’s losing hope in the marriage
1. ‘It doesn’t matter to me’
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A husband who’s losing hope in his marriage really won’t have a big stake in it anymore. If he’s losing hope, he probably thinks the marriage is close to over, and it just doesn’t matter to him anymore. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about his marriage, but it could mean that he sees no possible way for it to move forward and has resigned himself to what he sees as fate.
Marriage and relationships writer Sheri Stritof explained that not being on the same page and sharing priorities can be a sign that a marriage is too far gone. “If your goals and outlooks on life are no longer aligned, you may find that logistically the marriage can’t be sustained,” she said. “This is something that could be explored with a counselor to see if compromise is possible.”
If your husband has just let things go in his marriage and it doesn’t really matter to him anymore, you may be on very different pages, and it just might not work out between you. This isn’t true of all marriages, but some really can’t be saved, no matter how hard you work at it. When a husband insists that things don’t matter to him anymore, it’s a sign that he’s losing hope and the marriage is in trouble.
2. ‘We’ve tried everything’
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Another sign that your husband is losing hope in his marriage comes from his saying that he feels like there is quite literally nothing left that can be done. If he thinks you have tried everything you can when you’re in that situation, there’s a good chance that he’ll feel inclined to just give up and move on. Because if you’ve tried everything, then what do you really have left?
According to therapist Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW, it’s important to maintain focus on whatever the present issue is. “Ask yourself: What am I trying to accomplish?” she said. “Avoid name-calling and don’t attack your partner personally. Remember anger is usually a symptom of underlying hurt, fear, and frustration.”
So, if your husband simply says “we’ve tried everything,” it’s possible that he is too focused on the big picture and has lost sight of the smaller problems that need to be dealt with. This is important to remember if you find yourself in this situation. However, if it really feels like everything has been tried to no avail, it might not be that hard to understand why he’s losing hope.
3. ‘You'd probably be happier without me’
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A husband arguing that you would be happier without him isn’t a good sign. It means that he doesn’t see how the marriage could possibly continue to work, and he just assumes that you would be happier by yourself or with someone else. He sees himself as a heavyweight that is dragging you down and holding you back, and he doesn’t want to do that anymore.
Thoughts like this can be a result of rumination, which therapist Alicia Muñoz said is very damaging to any relationship. “In romantic relationships, overthinking gradually — day after day, month after month — can turn into a bad cognitive habit,” she stated. “It shortens our bandwidth for awareness, empathy, curiosity, and whatever is happening in our own hearts.”
When your husband says you would be happier without him, it might be a result of overthinking the relationship. He could just be all in his head about what would be best for you and your future. Still, even if it is overthinking, doing so to that extent definitely makes it seem like he’s lost all hope for the marriage. People don’t have thoughts like that when they’re feeling optimistic about the future.
4. ‘Do what you want’
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A husband telling you to just do whatever you want is a big red flag because, in an ideal marriage, decisions are made jointly. If he tells you to just do your own thing and make your own choices, it shows that he’s really disengaged in the relationship and doesn’t consider it important enough to share his own thoughts anymore.
Just like you can quiet quit your job, you can do the same thing in your relationship. Social psychologist Theresa E. DiDonato, PhD, said, “Romantic disengagement is a multi-pronged process. At the forefront is emotional indifference, or apathy, which, over time, replaces feelings of love. Romantic disengagement also involves mentally detaching and psychologically pulling back from a relationship.”
When a husband is losing hope in his marriage and effectively quits, he’ll probably pull back from any important role he held. This could include his role as a decision maker, compromiser, and confidante. It just really won’t matter to him anymore what you do. You’ll be on such different pages that he won’t see the point in doing anything differently.
5. ‘I always mess things up’
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When a marriage is falling apart, there’s a lot of blame to go around. Both spouses are likely pointing the finger at the other, claiming that they are completely free of guilt. However, if a husband is losing hope and checking out, there’s a good chance that he’ll just take on the blame himself. Maybe he really thinks he is responsible, or maybe it just feels like the natural thing to do. Either way, he’ll assume things aren’t going well because he messes everything up.
Psychology professor Ashley Maier, MSW, MPA, said that taking everything personally and blaming yourself for every little thing is relatively common. That doesn’t make it healthy, though. She said that it’s typical to be harder on yourself than you are on everyone else, which obviously isn’t realistic, but still happens.
A husband who is taking on all the blame for what has gone wrong in his marriage isn’t looking at things very clearly, because there’s very little chance that it’s entirely his fault, unless he made a major mistake. However, it’s natural to hold yourself to a higher standard than everybody else and only see your own flaws.
6. ‘Nothing ever changes’
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A husband may become discouraged and think that nothing is going to change in his marriage, which has led him to lose hope in it. There might be real evidence to back up the idea that nothing ever changes, but it also might just be something he’s taken on because he’s at such a low place. Regardless, this feeling that compromise is completely lost can take a serious toll.
Stritof noted, “Compromising is essential to a healthy relationship. If your marriage is completely one-sided and your partner struggles to meet you in the middle (or refuses to try), you could be in a toxic relationship.”
A husband who is losing hope in his marriage may feel like compromise has flown out the window. Maybe he thinks he’s the only one who is trying to build any bridges and give something up to make the relationship work, or maybe he just feels like you’re completely stuck. Either way, he’ll say that nothing ever changes, and he may be right.
7. ‘I don’t want to argue’
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Maybe your husband says that he doesn’t want to argue anymore. On the surface, this sounds like a good thing, because arguing can easily turn hurtful and be a sticking point in a marriage. But, completely shutting off all arguing can be akin to ending all communication. Instead of effectively working through problems, you may instead find yourself just making small talk.
Health and wellness writer Elizabeth Plumptre explained why arguing can actually be a good thing in a relationship. She said, “When you learn how to argue effectively and respectfully, it can be a way for you to learn more about each other, maintain your boundaries, and resolve issues that might affect the long-term health of your relationship.”
If your husband gives up on arguing altogether and instead seems like he’s walking on eggshells around you, it means he’s starting to lose hope. He doesn’t even see arguing as being worth it anymore. Really, he’s not willing to work through your problems any longer and wants to keep the peace instead of doing the important work.
8. ‘I don’t care anymore’
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It’s a very bad sign if your husband professes to just not care anymore. That means that he literally doesn’t care about what happens in your relationship anymore, which is a sure sign that he’s lost hope in the marriage. If someone wants to give a relationship a fighting chance, they’ll put their all into fixing things instead of just writing it off. If your husband doesn’t care, then he’s likely already checked out.
DiDonato explained, “Alternatively, quiet quitting a relationship might be a way to test out the possibility of ending the relationship. In this sense, it could be part of their exit strategy. Indeed, emotional divorce is a key early step in the process of marital breakdown, and disengaging from a relationship allows for emotional separation.”
If your husband no longer cares, he’s disengaging from the marriage and engaging in this emotional divorce. It’s always possible that he’s saying he doesn’t care when he actually does, and is just using the phrase as some kind of defense mechanism, but no relationship can work if one of the partners stops caring.
9. ‘We’re different people’
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If your husband says that you’re different people, he is technically telling the truth. You are two individuals who cannot possibly agree on every little thing. However, pointing this out so blatantly is a sign that he’s probably feeling some disconnect and a lack of closeness. Even though you’re two different people, the best marriages make couples feel united as one.
According to the editorial team at The Gottman Institute, “When partners lack this emotional bond, everyday interactions become transactional where moments that are meant to build intimacy instead reinforce the feeling of being emotionally stranded. As emotional disconnection deepens, you start to withdraw, communicating less, sharing fewer details about your thoughts and feelings.”
Your husband making a big point of how different you two are shows he’s just not connecting with you anymore. He’s losing hope in the marriage, and he’s probably feeling very emotionally distant. This doesn’t mean things have to end, but it’s certainly not looking good. Some serious work is necessary to make it through.
10. ‘Can we talk about this later’
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Husbands who are losing hope in their marriage love to ask if they can just circle back around to a certain topic with you later. Of course, later never actually comes. This is an avoidance tactic, and your husband will use it to ensure he doesn’t actually have to engage in communication and can just skirt around all of the difficult topics.
Psychosocial rehabilitation specialist Kendra Cherry, MSEd, noted, “Being able to talk openly and honestly with the people in your life allows you to share, learn, respond, and forge lasting bonds. This is a vital part of any relationship, including those with friends and family, but it can be particularly important in romantic relationships.”
Sometimes it just feels easier to not talk about things, especially when a relationship is already on the rocks. However, open communication is essential for any healthy relationship. If your husband isn’t devoting time to that or straight-up avoiding it altogether, it means that he’s losing hope. He just doesn’t see how the marriage can go on, and he doesn’t feel a need to fight for it.
11. ‘Maybe there’s no way to fix this’
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Perhaps the most dreaded thing your husband could say when he’s losing hope in the marriage is that there may not be any way to fix it. This might not be indicative of him giving up so much as of him truly believing there is nothing left to do to improve the situation. He’s not just saying that to be dramatic, but because he thinks it’s a fact.
“Ending a marriage can be incredibly complex and challenging,” Stritof said. “Admitting you may not love your partner anymore can be difficult. And even if you still love each other, that may not be enough to save a marriage. This can make divorce that much more difficult.”
If your husband is really losing hope, he may bluntly say that he doesn’t know what else to do, and chances are, he really doesn’t. Sometimes, there’s just no way to get out of a marriage that’s breaking down without getting your heart broken. Of course, there are always other avenues you can try, like counseling, before deciding divorce is the only option left.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
