If Someone Can't Stop Doing These 11 Things, They're Probably More Controlling Than They Even Realize
Controlling behavior isn't always easy to acknowledge, especially when you're the one doing it.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock Controlling behavior is a pretty awful trait to have. No one likes to be called controlling, and even fewer want to admit that they are controlling, even when people point it out to them. But sometimes, the signs aren't so obvious. Whether it's being a know-it-all, having double standards, or purposely sabotaging others, if someone can't stop doing these things, they're probably more controlling than they even realize.
If you've been hearing others call you controlling quite a lot, you might want to hit the pause button and ask why. And if you just met someone who seems to have a controlling streak, recognize it might be an unconscious behavior. Because even if it's not on purpose, it's still a dangerous trait to possess.
If someone can't stop doing these 11 things, they're probably more controlling than they even realize
1. Insisting on knowing everything
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Imagine the following scenario: your co-worker overhears that there's a meeting they're not invited to for half of the department. They start to get upset about it, asking what the details are, why they weren't invited, and all the other information that comes with it.
If this sounds familiar, it's because controlling people view information as a form of control. It gives them an idea of what to do or how to better "manage" the situation, as marriage and family therapist Becky Whetstone pointed out. And in a work environment, they genuinely tend to think that this is part of being a good employee.
2. Obsessing about their goals
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Controlling people don't randomly wake up one day and just decide to be controlling. Rather, this behavior stems from one of two things: obsession or insecurity, or sometimes both.
If they have a tendency toward obsession, chances are that they may go out of their way to make sure that what they want to happen will happen. This often starts to show up through things like frequently talking about a certain person or a nightmare scenario they want to avoid.
3. Peering at people's phones
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Controlling people generally don't like to have blind spots, even when it's totally innocuous. A lot of controlling individuals tend to start their habits in a subtle way, such as seeing who you're talking to and what about. Whether it's peering at another person's phone or even going through their private messages, if someone can't stop doing these things, they're probably more controlling than they even realize.
This often turns into chipping away at friendships and relationships. The constant monitoring gives them a better idea of what to say to make you cut others off. It's also a sign of their tendency toward micromanaging others.
4. Insisting on joining every conversation
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Part of being a controlling person deals with an inability to tolerate others' boundaries, including knowing when to tactfully mind your business. In the eyes of a controlling person, boundaries are not as important as them being able to "help" you, even if you don't want to hear what they want to say.
They may take being left out of conversations as a personal affront, going so far as to guilt-trip others or make their inclusion conditional. To them, they may even see this as a sign you hate them, even when that's really not the case.
As licensed clinical psychologist Andrea Bonior explained, controlling people use guilt as a tool. "Many controlling people are skilled manipulators at making their partner's own emotions work in the controlling person's favor... Often this means relenting and giving up power and their own dissenting opinion within the relationship, which plays right into the controlling person's hands," she said.
5. Complaining about people not taking their opinions into consideration
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Here's the wild thing about controlling people who don't realize they're being controlling: they often genuinely think they're doing right by the people they're trying to control. When they see others not doing what they tell them to do, they assume it's out of malice or just not seeing the benefit. They quite literally can't see things from your perspective.
And as psychotherapist David W. Johnson revealed, "Successful problem-solving and conflict resolution largely depends on a person's ability to take the opponent's cognitive and affective perspectives, and understand how the conflict appears to the other person, and how that person is reacting emotionally and attitudinally. If a person cannot take the perspective of opponents, then his or her understanding of the issue is limited and incomplete."
6. Having double standards
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Among relationship experts, one of the most worrying signs of a controlling partner involves having double standards, especially if they are gendered. There's a large influx of misogynistic propaganda that encourages men to act controlling toward female partners.
They get a rush of dopamine from controlling women or even putting them down. And one of the key signs of a misogynist is seeing different standards based on gender. For example, if he thinks you shouldn't have male friends while he has plenty of female friends, it's a warning sign of him being controlling.
7. Sabotaging others' plans
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True story: I had a former co-worker who always insisted on her way or else. Eventually, I started to talk to our higher-ups and convinced him to let us try this one method that I used, to much success. Overnight, I started to notice something strange happening. The entries in my database started to glitch or go missing. Or they would be put with the wrong details.
I started to think I was going crazy until I checked the history of the spreadsheet and realized my co-worker was destroying my work. When confronted, all she could say was that her way was better and she was "just trying to get others to see that."
8. Triangulating situations
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Controlling people often are manipulative. And while they often know they're manipulative, they often don't realize it's always a matter of them trying to control others. Triangulation, in particular, is a common tool they use.
This is the term for pitting people against one another, often by saying they said something they didn't. And if someone can't stop doing these things, they're probably more controlling than they even realize. The overall play tends to be done to get people to either isolate from one another or to have them inadvertently trust the "triangulator" more.
9. Making mean jokes
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Did you ever notice how often bullies, controlling people, and abusers tend to use the same kind of cruel "jokes" as a way to show aggression toward others? It's not just your imagination. Many controlling people use "Schrödinger's joke" (it's only a joke if it offends you and makes them call you sensitive) as a way to get you to stay quiet while they set the tone of conversations.
According to experts from the MEND Project, "The term 'weaponized joking' refers to saying mean things at the other person's expense and using blame-shifting to deflect. It can be done under the guise of being 'just a joke,' often causing emotional distress... Weaponized joking is an emotionally abusive tactic... Genuine, intelligent humor doesn't come at someone else's expense."
10. Not taking 'no' for an answer
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We've all had people in our lives who just wouldn't take no for an answer. If you tell them no, they might pause and ask again. Or they may just guilt-trip you or harass you, badgering you until you capitulate. It's not pleasant. And, at times, it can become a full-on steamroll-style attack. Believe it or not, most people who do this don't always realize how controlling they appear to others.
"Negotiation can quickly turn into manipulation when people don't understand how to communicate in a healthy manner. This is especially true if people never learned that they won't always get their way," licensed professional counselor-supervisor Dr. Christopher S. Taylor pointed out. "People who haven't achieved emotional and intellectual maturity often don't know how to handle disappointment, which can cause them to pressure others to get what they want."
11. Acting like a martyr
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Controlling people who claim to not know how controlling they are tend to see themselves as unlucky people who meet ungrateful, awful individuals. They will tell you that they "just know what's better" and "are only trying to help." They will claim to "fix" the people they focus on controlling, as if they're broken clocks.
In reality, these people don't care if those people are even interested in getting the type of "help" they are offering. Unfortunately, if someone can't stop doing these things, they're probably more controlling than they even realize. And, in many cases, these people genuinely believe they know what's best for that person. Sadly, they're often wrong and forget that the person has to want their help for it to work out.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
