10 Lies Men Tell That Sound Innocent — But Mean He’s Hiding Something Serious
Some lies sound harmless, until you realize what's he's really avoiding.
dean drobot / shutterstock Unfortunately for us, lying is pretty common in relationships. From white lies to barefaced lies to lying by omission, the truth is we're all sometimes guilty of not telling the whole truth. Men, however, seem to have an especially bad reputation when it comes to lying to their partners, with the phrases "men are dogs" and "men are such liars" ever-present in our vocabulary.
Why do men lie? Ultimately, men lie because they believe it is a way to protect women (and themselves). The number one reason why he lies is to help you maintain your idealized version of him. As counterintuitive as it sounds, he lies to you because he loves you and he's trying to avoid causing your feelings of hurt and anguish.
Self-preservation may also cause a person to be a liar. When he lies to you, it means he's aware that the truth about something he's done or hasn't done, something he's thinking about doing, or something he feels has the potential to break you and your relationship. Unfortunately, as we know all too well, uncovering a lie hurts you anyway.
Here are 10 lies men tell that sound innocent — but mean he’s hiding something serious:
1. Men lie about staying late at work
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You've been in a relationship with a guy for a year or two, and most of the time, his work schedule is predictable. Then, suddenly, his work schedule becomes unpredictable. Does his job really require him to work late at night on Thursdays and Fridays or early on Saturdays? You can believe he is a "hard worker" all you want, but the reality is, he might be hiding something (or someone) from you.
Research suggests that men may lie about staying late at work for a range of reasons, including hiding infidelity, dependency issues, or embarrassment about their career. Lying is often a symptom of underlying issues such as insecurity, fear of vulnerability, or a desire to avoid conflict.
2. Men lie about their phones
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Some men genuinely do have a personal mobile phone and a work mobile phone. I've had that myself a few times before. That being said, one of the things I always hear cheaters brag about is how they will maintain two — even sometimes three — mobile phones so that their "main woman" won't find out about another woman. For one phone, he will allow you to check his phone records and text messages. For the other phone? No way.
Relationship expert Charles J. Orlando spoke with fifty unfaithful men and discovered that technology has become essential for concealing affairs, as cheaters rely on apps like Snapchat and set up separate email addresses or social media profiles to hide their messages. When he won't allow you access to his phone, even in harmless situations, it indicates he's dividing his life into separate compartments designed to prevent you from learning the truth about his activities.
3. Men lie about female friends
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There is nothing wrong with your boyfriend/fiancé/husband hanging out socially with a good female friend of his from high school or college. However, if his "friendship" with this person suddenly becomes a little more secretive, you might want to take caution.
In fact, according to a 2017 study, 53.5% of people who've had an affair reported doing so with a "close personal friend." If your intuition repeatedly sends you signals that their "friendship" might be a little bit more than platonic, then there is nothing wrong with you asking a handful of probing questions about the history of their friendship.
4. Men lie about their motives
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If a man "just wants to talk," he will invite you to have coffee with him in the morning or lunch in the afternoon. But if a man wants you to allow him to come over to your place late on a Thursday, Friday, or Saturday night, it's far more likely that he is going to make a move on you.
Holistic dating coaches Orna and Matthew Walters point out that a man with a genuine interest will plan ahead, securing Friday or Saturday dates early in the week, and he won't back out with weak excuses. But if he's asking to come by your place late on a weekend night, conversation isn't what he has in mind. The timing of his invitation speaks volumes about what he's really after, no matter how casual he tries to make it sound.
5. Men lie about their intentions
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Even when men pretend intimacy is not on their minds, it is. If you want to discover a man's true intentions, tell him in a very convincing, believable manner that you are practicing celibacy and abstinence until marriage.
See if that man's attention toward you increases or significantly decreases. If over the next three or four weeks, he is now calling you less and writing you fewer text messages and e-mail messages, then you know what's up.
From an evolutionary viewpoint, some men may use deception as a dating strategy, especially if they feel they have less to offer socially or romantically. They might pretend to have qualities that attract partners to improve their chances of finding a mate.
6. Men lie about knowing someone
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This sounds silly, but I have actually observed women fall for this. A strange woman will continuously call their man, and when confronted, he will respond by saying, "I don't even know who that is."
Marriage therapist Dan Drake notes that this deceptive behavior often emerges when someone confronts their partner with concerns or proof, only to hear dismissive responses designed to undermine the person's confidence in their own perceptions. When ongoing mysterious communications are paired with unwavering denials, it forms a dynamic that relationship experts identify as calculated dishonesty, not innocent memory lapses.
7. Men lie about being busy
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Some liars and cheaters do have a conscience. Let's say a liar meets you and gives you the misleading impression that he only wants to spend time with you — even though there are three or four other women he has on the side.
One day, he might start feeling like, "Wow, I am really playing with this woman's emotions. I need to quit leading this woman on." However, he just can't bring himself to "come clean" with you. So what does he do? He makes himself unavailable and aloof. He's hoping he can just slowly "fade out" of your life without having to explain anything.
8. Men lie about making a commitment
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I have known men to propose to a woman after dating them for five years or even 15 years. I will not go on record as saying that never, ever happens. That being said, the vast majority of men know within the first two to three years of dating a woman if they are going to propose to that woman or not.
He may postpone proposing to his woman because he doesn't feel stable in his career or because he's wondering if there might be another woman who would be a better match, but it shouldn't take five or more years to determine if you are "the one."
Dating coach Jane Garapick warns that while relationships need time to develop, women shouldn't wait indefinitely for commitment to materialize, especially those hoping to have children who face biological time constraints. The harsh reality is that men who genuinely want commitment don't need five or ten years to decide.
9. Men lie about leaving someone for you
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It's very unlikely that a man will leave his wife for another woman. In my lifetime, I cannot tell you how many women I've observed get their hearts broken by a man who was already in a relationship and gave them the impression that they were going to "one day" be elevated to the status of his only woman.
Statistics reveal a harsh truth that only three to five percent of married men who have affairs actually divorce their wives to marry their mistress, and even those relationships that do progress have a 60% divorce rate, according to relationship expert Dr. Marni Feuerman.
10. Men lie about loving you
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Men know the quickest way to endear themselves to a woman is to tell her, "I care for you, baby... I love you." Those three words are like a psychological aphrodisiac for most women. There are two simple ways you can distinguish the "sincere" guys from the liars.
Men who are sincerely in love with you do not tell you this right before being intimate with you or while being with you. They will tell you they randomly love you "just because." Now that you know the most common things men lie about, it's important to recognize the signs he's lying.
According to author, speaker, and educator Diana Raab, MFA, Ph.D., there are seven specific signs someone is lying to you:
- Changes in vocal pitch
- Unusual blinking or fidgeting
- The use of fewer first-person words, such as “I”
- A decreased tendency to use emotional words, such as hurt or angry
- Difficulty making eye contact when speaking, or shifty eyes
- The use of self-soothing techniques such as ear tugging, neck touching, collar pulling, or mouth covering
- Inconsistent gestures or facial expressions that contrast with the message content
It's important to trust your intuition. If it feels like something is off, that very well may be the case. That said, it's also important to avoid making drastic assumptions.
As relationship coach Doren Weinstein also explains, start by taking stock of his behavior under normal conditions. "See if you can detect obvious deviations. You could try to ask them a series of simple questions and observe how they behave when they have no reason to lie."
If you catch any of the aforementioned signs that signal he may be lying to you, confront the situation calmly when you feel it's safe to do so. You know your relationship and your partner best, so no matter the circumstances, you'll know the best way to proceed.
Alan Roger Currie is an author, dating coach, public speaker, and talk radio host.
