The Art Of Saying Less: 10 Reasons Truly Smart People Make Sure To Hold Their Tongues
PeopleImages / Shutterstock A while back, I had a very public meltdown. As a result of severe neglect at home, abuse elsewhere, and gaslighting for years, I just broke. It wasn’t like I was trying to keep it a secret. I openly asked others for help.
It only got better when I stopped trying to tell people I was suffering. As someone who always got told that I should “speak up more” about what’s going on, I learned that what people say and what you should do are often the total opposite. These days, I stay quiet. I advise others to do so, too. Here’s why.
These are 10 reasons truly smart people make sure to hold their tongues
1. Most people don’t want to hear more negative news
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Yes, even those true crime fans get burnt out by negative, gruesome stories. We live in a world that is abundantly negative. More and more people are showing signs of burnout, with much of that burnout being a result of exposure to negative news day after day.
While people might care about you, there’s a limit to how much bad news you can say and still have people care. You might be burning people out if you overshare the wrong thing.
2. While you might think that asking for help will help your cause, it often does the opposite
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We often hear people lament, “Why didn’t they ask for help? I totally would have been there for them!” after a person ends up hospitalized, dead, or seriously injured as a result of neglect, mental illness, or abuse. The truth is that complaining, whining, or even asking for help doesn’t often work.
It can actually trigger the Bystander Effect, where people do nothing when they see someone in peril. Studies show that the more people know about you and know what you’re going through, the less likely they are to end up feeling responsible for helping you. Talking too much or being too public can make that happen.
3. Some people genuinely don’t know how to react to info-dumping
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Yes, we all know trauma dumping is difficult for others to bear, but so is general information dumping. A lot of people I’ve met just can’t actually handle learning too much about people. It overloads them.
This is why talking about yourself too much can backfire badly, and why coaches encourage you to clamp down on doing so.
4. Staying quiet also means you don’t say the wrong thing to the wrong person
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Have you ever made an off-color joke about something or someone, only to find out that you were talking about a member of said group? Or have you ever gossiped about someone, only to find out that the person in question was their relative? It’s a common trope in TV for a reason.
Even if you think you’re the slyest gossip on the block, you will inevitably blurt out the wrong thing to the wrong person. It’s better to stay silent and take in the crowd you're with. The less you say, the less likely it is that you’ll offend the wrong person.
5. You might not always know the full story when you give your input
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Most of us have had moments when we critically misjudged someone, be it a friend, an ex, or a family member. We heard one side of the story, assumed that was the be-all, end-all, and then mouthed off to the offending party… only to realize we had no idea what was really going on.
That’s awful, isn’t it? You end up with a lot more egg on your face, end up having to apologize, and might even lose a friend in the process. Staying quiet keeps you from having to deal with that.
6. Sharing vulnerabilities is also a way to give others things to use against you
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As a writer, I’ve noticed that a lot of wisdom comes from frequently-mentioned quotes. A common quote thrown around blogging circles is, “Don’t share your problems. 80 percent don’t care, the other 20 percent are happy you have them.”
It’s true. Letting something slip, be it a vulnerability or even an offhand remark, can come to bite you in the butt. People who want to hurt you are happy when you overshare because it gives them more ammunition to attack you with. If you take a look at tabloids, it’s fairly common to have certain remarks come back to bite celebrities years later. The less you say, the less likely it is that it will happen to you.
7. People like to talk about themselves, not you
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This might sound a bit rude, or even mean, but it’s true. You’re not the center of the universe, especially to other people. Most people want to think about themselves and also talk about themselves. This is why most people tend to like people who let them talk about themselves.
Rather than tell them about you, keep them interested by asking about them. Learn about their job, their hobbies, or even their family background. You’ll be surprised at how much warmer people will be when you let them just chat about themselves. No joke. This actually will light up the reward centers of their brains.
8. The more you say, the more people can try to pick you apart
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Are you in trouble? Cool. Be quiet. Ask a lawyer, and they’ll tell you that silence is literally golden. You shouldn’t say anything other than the bare minimum in court for good reason. The more you say, the more likely it is that you’ll get caught in a lie or prove that you’re guilty.
Even if you don’t get caught in a lie, the details that you reveal might end up hurting your case in one way or another. So, if you’re in trouble, do not say a single word unless your lawyer tells you to. And if you don’t have a lawyer? Keep the words you say to a minimum.
9. Quiet people are seen as more intelligent and more trustworthy
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Some talkative folks are fairly popular, but it’s often a popularity that involves people warming up to them. Quiet people, though they can be a bit unnerving at times, are often seen as more intelligent. Studies even back up a low-key link between quiet, introverted people and intelligence.
Smart people have a trope of being a bit quieter, so why not play into it? Talking too much might make you slip up. In other words, it’s better to make people assume you’re intelligent than it is to open up your mouth and prove them wrong.
10. During a breakup, silence can help you get your power back
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If you are in the middle of a particularly rough breakup, you already know that it’s oh, so tempting to react to your ex’s texts. Maybe you want to react to your ex’s call or something stupid he did. Silence is truly golden here for multiple reasons.
First, it gives you your power back. Second, most people trying to get a rise out of you end up looking crazy if you don’t respond. Third, it makes it easier for you to get space and actually heal from the broken relationship.
11. Finally, staying quiet can give you the upper hand in negotiations or sales
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Did you ever notice how often salespeople try to push you to say something when you’re not ready? There’s a reason for this. Silence gives you time to think and keeps others guessing. In a sales situation, that’s bad news because it means that they might be mulling over the sales pitch. When people think too much about a pitch, they become harder to take advantage of. So, salespeople try to keep you talking. Needless to say, mastering the art of silence can help you gain an upper hand in all sorts of negotiations, sales floors included!
“Our research suggests that pausing silently can be a simple yet very effective tool to help negotiators shift from fixed-pie thinking to a more reflective state of mind," says Jared Curhan, Gordon Kaufman Professor and associate professor of work and organization studies at MIT Sloan. "This, in turn, leads to the recognition of golden opportunities to expand the proverbial pie and create value for both sides.”
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
