The Art Of Brotherhood: 10 Ways To Make Friends As Grown Men When It's Really Hard
Mizuno K | Canoa If you read or internalize one thing I have written, it is this: you are not alone. But that is not enough. We, as men, are in crisis. Men between 18 and 24 suffer the most. Suicide among young men is increasing faster than any other demographic, as are overdose (OD) deaths. 90% of school shooters are young white men. The average young man is apathetic and woefully behind academically. Introduce disadvantages by race and socioeconomic class, and it gets even worse.
But it’s not just young men. I talk to the titans of the industry every day who are lost. Men of every age, race, and class are struggling. We are 4x more likely to die by suicide, and we comprise 70% of OD deaths. We are in deep trouble.
There is a crisis in manhood, and it starts with isolation. All scientific research points to a single culprit for the crisis in manhood above all others: isolation. As men, we are socialized never to let down our guard or to get vulnerable. And it is killing us.
When the surgeon general talks about this issue, he relies heavily on the 85-year study at Harvard/Massachusetts General Hospital. In that study, they defined secure social attachment as the number of friends you could call in the middle of the night, no questions asked, if you had an emergency or were simply upset.
The data shows decreased social connection, particularly among men, starting in the 1950s with the advent of TV. The slope of that decline was gentle for decades until you reached the last 15 years, when it dropped off a cliff, accelerated by technology and COVID, among many other factors. It’s not like we guys were ever socialized to be ‘touchy-feely,' but at this point, we cannot ignore what is happening.
The number of men (even those who are married) who have no one they can rely on has quadrupled. All categories of social connection have evaporated. The medical research is clear: The lack of social connection is the cause of the crisis in manhood. It may be correlated with a bunch of other societal factors, but it is the one clear point of attack for us as individuals and as a collective group.
Perhaps the most surprising finding is that male isolation doesn’t just lead to premature death and great suffering via addiction and mental health diseases. It is also the leading cause of cancer and every other major killer.
We were built to live and hunt in groups in order to protect each other from danger. As cavemen or private equity titans, when we find ourselves alone, our bodies go on high alert. We are programmed to look for our people. If we don’t see them for an extended period of time, that high-alert state begins to have profoundly negative consequences for our health.
Isolation also impacts women, as the surgeon general points out. I am not minimizing that in any way. But men die six years earlier than women. Our isolation is more profound, and our propensity to seek help is half as frequent. The strong, silent typology is deadly.
Here are 10 ways to make friends as grown men when it's really hard:
1. Access your existing connections
Go through your contacts and find three men you admire, not because of their success but because of their character. Think of men you might have been close to but have lost touch with. They can be people from high school or college, a job, or a team. Email or call three guys and set up lunch if they are local, or Zoom if they are not.
When you get together, push the boundaries of what you are willing to share about what is going on in your life. Most importantly, listen, and stay away from ‘chest-beating’. If they ask why you set up the meeting, tell them that you want mentorship and support. Your vulnerability will immediately deepen the relationship.
Don’t stop there. Schedule another meeting. Think of it as going to the gym for your social health. It’s not soft at all. It’s about getting stronger.
2. Join a men’s organization
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You can find your local F3 (F3 Nation – Fitness, Fellowship & Faith) chapter. This is the largest men’s organization in the country. Seventy-five thousand men meet three times a week for fitness, fellowship, and non-denominational faith. They celebrate positive masculinity, and everything is about fellowship.
I met one of my closest life advisors through F3. Our bond was almost immediate. They are loving and real men who agree with everything I have written above. The non-profit grassroots organization exists to break male isolation.
Research from the American Institute for Boys and Men found that when men connect socially, they're more likely to do so through clubs and organizations where they can engage in activities together. This side-by-side bonding through shared activities helps men form meaningful connections without the pressure of face-to-face emotional conversations.
3. Reach out to a long-lost relative
Think of that one distant family member you’ve always liked (or even an in-law) but never really talked to. Call him up and tell him what’s going on in your life. Plan a trip together. I am going on a three-day hiking trip with my favorite cousin-in-law in September. I love that guy and can’t wait to spend time with him.
According to a 2024 study, having family support helps strengthen social relationships and has a positive impact on wider social networks beyond immediate families. These connections can extend outward and create a ripple effect.
4. Join a religious group
Join a church, temple, or other religious group. For many men, vulnerability is closely tied to some sort of spirituality. Whether meditating or praying together, they find men they can trust and open up to.
Research from the Do Good Institute found that belonging to a religious congregation is associated with the strongest influence on both volunteering and giving among all types of community groups. These settings naturally bring together people with shared values and create regular opportunities for connection through group activities and service.
5. Be of service
One way to break your isolation is to get out of your house and help someone in need. It’s the most selfish act because you will feel so much joy doing it, and you may meet men there that you can build a relationship with.
Volunteering in the previous year increases the likelihood of joining community groups or organizations by 24 percent, a University of Maryland study discovered. This creates a domino effect where one act of service leads to more social connections and opportunities to build meaningful relationships.
6. Pursue your passions
Think about your passions or hobbies outside of work. It could be chess, hiking, scuba diving, or maybe it’s books. Get with other guys who share that passion. I happen to love swimming in stupidly cold water. A group of us (coed but primarily guys) started a gathering every Thursday morning at sunrise.
We run two miles and swim in Boston Harbor, even in the winter when the water temp dips below 40 degrees. Afterward, we go to a local diner to hang out, and I love doing it so much.
7. Take a trip
Go on a group adventure. I like being active, so I have gone on several backroads trips. It could be a journey to London to visit a theater, play golf, or do some fishing. You can bring a friend whom you want to get to know better, or you could conjure up the courage to befriend whoever you find there.
A 2024 study found that bringing people together for an activity helped reduce feelings of loneliness and created natural social connections. Whether the activity happens in person or virtually, the shared experience provides a foundation for friendships to develop organically.
8. Enroll in a class
This could be continuing education at a local arts center, museum, or even driving a sports car. Think strategically about what kind of class would attract the kind of guys you would want to hang with.
Studies on community organizations found that participants made friends by building on similarities discovered through regular programs. The consistent interaction over time created opportunities for deeper friendships based on shared interests to develop naturally.
9. Learn about others
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Next time you are at a social gathering, don't talk about yourself. Ask the guys you are hanging around with questions to show that you are curious about their lives. Have a conversation about the real stuff. Stay away from bravado and locker room banter, and set aside the typical discussions of money or “success.”
That is all a trap, and it is poison to real friendship. If a guy wants to tell you how rich or successful he is, ignore him and ask about his kids, his wife, or how he has been feeling lately. If you take your mask off, he will too.
10. Deal with your vices
If you have any addiction, go to a recovery meeting. My social network is 75% of men I have met through recovery. In her book, Dopamine Nation, Anna Lemke, MD, makes the medical argument that we are all addicts of some form (she is an MD/Ph.D., professor, and clinician at Stanford). Richard Rohr, in his book Breathing Underwater, makes the spiritual argument that we are all addicts, and in fact, the bible talks explicitly about recovery.
There are recovery groups for pretty much everything these days. Just try it out. You can go to a Zoom meeting, hang in the back with your camera off, and listen. Eventually, you will want to go in person to meet men who have the same issues as you do. Remember that the kind of friendships we are talking about do not develop overnight.
They take time, effort, and courage on your part, but are so worth it. So many men are needlessly suffering and dying. Let’s not let that happen anymore. If you are alone, ask for help and figure out how to gradually build your team of five.
Tom Matlack is an American entrepreneur, venture capitalist, author, and mentor. In 2009, he founded The Good Men Project.
