The Art Of Being Assertive: 5 Simple Ways To Be Firm Without Being Mean About It
Studentapk | Unsplash We're faced with many choices in the world today. We're all built with the instinct for fight or flight when faced with confrontation. A bully can gain courage if you don't have to meet in person. Cyberbullying is becoming more and more rampant as people push the "send button" before really thinking through the ramifications of their acts.
Recently, I ran into a situation where I was faced with a rude, nasty response to a birthday greeting I had sent to an acquaintance through Facebook. I hadn't realized the link to the free e-book I normally send to my Facebook friends on their birthdays had been changed.
The gentleman in question reacted by sending me a snarky note back, chiding me for sending him marketing material in his birthday greeting. My initial reaction was to fight back, but I chose to be assertive and apologize for the error, explaining to him that it was unintentional.
Subsequently, he wrote back with another extremely aggressive, rude note. I considered again how to respond. I decided this was the time to act more passively. I did not respond because I knew this argument could go on and on, getting both of us nowhere and causing hurt feelings. After some contemplation, I decided to take more assertive actions and remove him as a friend on my Facebook account. Confident people know when and how to be assertive.
They respect their own boundaries and the boundaries of others. Confidence means taking the high road and not reacting in kind when someone is angry or rude. Confident people also do not assume everything is their fault or allow others to blame them. By taking this action, I defined that I have boundaries and would rather work with people who are pleasant to work with. The heart of assertive behavior is confidence.
I've found that when we set our boundaries and make clear what we need and what we find acceptable, then people are usually more willing to give it to us. One of the ways you can become a more assertive person is by taking responsibility for your own choices and actions.
Here are 5 simple ways to be firm without being mean about it:
1. Clearly represent what you think and feel
Research shows that assertive communication combines both verbal and nonverbal elements, with moderate levels of nonverbal behaviors being optimal. This includes calm-but-firm voice volume and tone, steady eye contact, composed facial expressions, flexible gestures, and an upright yet relaxed posture. When your words and body language align, you send a clear and coherent message that others can understand and respect.
2. Make no apology for the way you feel
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People who received validating responses to their emotions during a stressful task had lower emotional reactivity, less negative feelings, and even reduced heart rate compared to those who were told their feelings were wrong or inappropriate, research has found.
When you acknowledge your own feelings as valid instead of apologizing for them, you actually regulate your emotional responses better and create the foundation for healthier future interactions.
3. Refuse to manipulate others with false guilt
Research on manipulation tactics in romantic relationships has identified guilt induction as one of several distinct manipulation tactics that people use to control others.
Guilt tripping is designed to make another person feel responsible for something that's not their fault or to blow the impact of their actions way out of proportion. Refusing to use these tactics means you're building relationships based on honesty rather than emotional control.
4. Respect other people, and in turn, they'll respect you
Humans tend to reciprocate in social interaction by reacting to respect with respect and hostility with hostility. Studies demonstrate that reciprocity plays a significant role in how we influence each other. If we feel respected by someone, we will have more of a willingness to respect the other person back. This creates what researchers call a virtuous, respectful circle where mutual respect strengthens over time.
5. Learn how to state what you want and what you need
Assertiveness is clearly stating what you want and what you need as a means to an end. Being assertive does not mean you need to be pushy. You have the right to be human and take full responsibility for your actions.
You even have the right to be wrong sometimes. You have the right to tell others what you are thinking and feeling — and you have the right to change your mind. You also have the right to express yourself without intimidation, and you have the right not to accept responsibility for other people's actions. You do not have the right to bully, intimidate, or humiliate the other person.
Being assertive means owning a situation. The only person you can change is yourself. You will want to learn how to set boundaries in your relationships with others. Being clear about boundaries helps you to never bully others or allow others to bully you.
Take this self-awareness quiz:
- Can you think of a situation recently where you were passive? How could you have spoken up?
- Can you think of a situation recently where you were aggressive? How could you have calmed down before speaking?
- Can you think of a situation where you set boundaries and did not allow others to bully or intimidate you?
Judy Helm Wright is a parent educator, family coach, and personal historian who has written over 20 books, and hundreds of articles and speaks internationally on family issues, including caregiving.
