11 Actually Good Tricks We Should All Probably Learn From Manipulative People
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock Manipulative people often use victim mentalities, gaslighting behaviors, and shame to get their way. They exist in an alternate reality, where they believe they’re more important and powerful than anyone, at the expense of empathy and strong connections.
While we often perceive them as inherently “bad,” trying to create distance to protect ourselves, there are still some actually good tricks we should all probably learn from manipulative people that can help us in the long run. Whether it’s confidence or learning to celebrate ourselves in social spaces, we can ironically become better people by adopting some of their mentalities in responsible ways.
Here are 11 actually good tricks we should all probably learn from manipulative people
1. Faking it until you make it
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While manipulative people tend to lean too heavily into the “fake it until you make it” practice, misleading people and performing socially to weaponize connections, most of us can learn from some version of it. Especially in a society that tends to reward confidence, sometimes playing the role can change how we innately show up for ourselves.
As mental health consultant Daniel Fryer explains, our mind is constantly monitoring our behavior to figure out how we should feel. If we’re growing and “bed rotting,” our minds immediately resort to sadness and frustration. If we fake a smile or tell ourselves that everything is going to be okay, we can “fake” positivity that actually wears off.
Of course, make space for the challenges and sadness you encounter in life, but sometimes, performing for others can actually rewire our subconscious for the better.
2. Actually knowing what your values and desires are
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Many manipulative people will go to extreme, insidious lengths to get what they want, including harming others to achieve it. However, at least they know what they want, compared to the average person who is living for other people or operating on autopilot throughout daily life.
As a Frontiers in Psychology study explains, “life crafting,” or figuring out what you want, how you want to live, and your personal values, is incredibly important for seeking meaning and purpose in life. The more you understand yourself and take action to achieve your goals, the happier and more fulfilled you’ll be.
3. Reading the energy of a room
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Even though we tend to perceive social awareness and emotional intelligence as inherently well-natured traits, there are still dark sides to how they’re used, at least according to a study from Frontiers in Psychology. For example, a manipulative narcissist knows how to read the energy of a room, figuring out who’s most vulnerable and latching onto them for their own benefit.
Even if the outcomes and behaviors of their social awareness are malicious, the ability to read energy in a room is an inherently important trait. For our own well-being, this kind of awareness is something we should learn — not to take advantage of people, but to figure out who’s worth our energy, what their intentions are, and how we can find belonging in groups of people.
Even noticing when someone is upset or feeling left out can offer opportunities for us to help and support people, even if a manipulative person does the opposite with the same skills.
4. Growing your own confidence
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Part of the reason why narcissistic people tend to be more successful in environments like the workplace is that their inflated self-worth feeds greater self-confidence.
While they often take it to an extreme, being more self-centered and selfish because of their internal ideas of deservingness, we can still learn to cultivate self-worth from them that not only comes across as more charming, but also helps us mediate rejection and seek success.
Instead of worrying about what other people think of us and constantly judging ourselves internally, this kind of blind confidence and self-advocacy can do a lot of us favors in moderation.
5. Making people feel special
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Manipulators often make people feel special to boost relationship closeness quickly and seek control over them. However, the ways they make people feel seen and important can be useful for our regular social skills. In fact, many of the ways they build trust and vulnerability with people, for the wrong reasons, of course, stem from body language tricks and conversation topics that are already accessible.
From shifting the tone of our voices to giving people undivided attention and offering empathy, as a study from PLOS One explains, making people heard and boosting conversational satisfaction can make our lives better in so many ways.
6. Staying calm under pressure
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Many manipulators appear calmer in stressful, chaotic situations because people’s intense reactions make them easier to take advantage of. In many cases, their gaslighting or manipulative behaviors are actually intended to make people feel more chaotic and confused because it gives them leverage to cling to power and influence.
However, learning to be calm and regulating our emotions when things get chaotic can both add to our well-being and also protect us from a manipulative person’s grasp. The last thing they want to see when they’re trying to stress us out is confidence and reflection.
7. Unapologetically advocating for yourself
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To a narcissistic or manipulative person, their needs come first all the time. Usually, they miss out on all the benefits of empathy that we appreciate and connect with, but they also often miss out on chances to protect themselves.
There’s a healthy boundary between narcissistic self-centeredness and the average person’s “humility” that we all need to find. Especially when it comes to making our needs heard, setting boundaries, and protecting ourselves from misbehavior, everyone could learn from a manipulative person about caring and advocating for themselves.
8. Avoiding people-pleasing behaviors
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Helping other people and making them feel supported can boost our sense of happiness, but when other people’s comfort comes before our own well-being, that’s when empathy and altruism become consequential. Manipulative people know this more than anyone, considering they often take selfishness to the extreme, putting their needs before everyone else’s all the time.
While this kind of behavior won’t help us, avoiding people-pleasing at our own expense will. It’s not selfish to put your needs first and to protect your well-being, even if that means occasionally disappointing someone else.
9. Selling your ideas
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While a manipulative person’s overconfidence often stems from deep feelings of insecurity, they tend to come across as more competent, intelligent, powerful, and charismatic because they sell themselves regardless. They know how to read what other people want and need and position themselves in the best light possible, even if they’re performing to some extent.
Of course, overpromising and inflating our skills isn’t always helpful, but leaning into the most confident versions of ourselves can actually trick our subconscious mind into solidifying those beliefs into reality.
10. Letting go of guilt
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Like many of the other lessons we can learn from manipulative people, their relationship with guilt isn’t always healthy. Usually, they avoid accountability and make excuses for hurting people without taking on any guilt, which hurts their relationships and the people around them in profound ways.
However, we can still learn to let go of guilt ourselves, if it’s for our own good. For example, if you made a mistake in your early 20s that you’re still holding onto shame, guilt, and regret about, moving on is your freedom. Stop blaming yourself for hurting someone or making a bad decision if you can’t change the outcome. Give yourself the gift of closure and start living your life without grudges.
11. Bragging about your skills
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Don’t brag about goals or one-up people for external validation and attention. Manipulative people often seek the spotlight at the expense of other people to cling to power and status. However, if you’re struggling with keeping up with a humble identity, to not come across as self-centered, you’re missing out on opportunities to showcase your strengths and call in new opportunities.
The people around you don’t know what to help you with, celebrate you for, or offer you unless they know what you’re capable of. Start getting comfortable with being your biggest advocate — not for external validation and approval, but to put yourself around the people and in the rooms that can change your life for the better.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
