Couples Who Don't Fight But Also Don't Go To Sleep At The Same Time Have These 11 Specific Problems
syedfahadghazanfar | Shutterstock Even if it seems harmless, healthy even, to never fight with a partner, experts suggest that it's actually healthy arguments that bond us closer together and encourage us to practice conflict-resolution skills that will inevitably become important down the road. The same goes for having different nighttime routines and going to bed at different times. It seems harmless and innocent, but a study from the Journal of Sleep Research suggests that it can actually lower relationship well-being and satisfaction.
Couples who don't fight but also don't go to sleep at the same time have these specific problems in their relationships. Even if they justify their well-being with "we never fight" or "it's healthy to have alone time," sometimes they're not actually proving anything, only subconsciously making excuses for the deep struggles they're avoiding.
Couples who don't fight but also don't go to sleep at the same time have these 11 specific problems
1. They lack physical affection
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According to psychology professor Michelle Drouin, couples who don't go to bed at the same time tend to report lower levels of relationship satisfaction and physical intimacy. So, even if it seems completely harmless to stay up later than your partner or slip off into bed before they're tired, it can actually be a sign of larger issues you're struggling with underneath the surface.
Even small moments, like cuddling before bed, are incredibly powerful for boosting the intimacy couples need to thrive.
2. They avoid conflict
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While it's true that conflict levels tend to remain stagnant over the course of a relationship's lifespan, if a couple is actually avoiding and suppressing concerns, chances are their tendencies to "never fight" aren't actually a sign of health.
When couples don't have a safe space to resolve conflict, it's not just their mental health and connection that suffer. It's also their physical health and well-being, according to a study from the University of Georgia. Suppressing concerns only leads to resentment, not peace or tranquility.
3. They become distant when things get tough
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According to a study from Personality and Social Psychology, the point of "no return" in relationships isn't actually big betrayals and large deceits, it's emotional and physical disengagement. The more disconnected a couple feels and the less they care about showing up for each other, the less likely they are to thrive and stay together.
Couples who don't fight but also don't go to sleep at the same time have these specific problems. They're disconnected from and disengaged in their partner's lives. While that may reduce their face-to-face conflict, it doesn't remove or dissolve the resentment and concerns they're still dealing with.
4. They lack quality time together
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While going to bed at different times and "never fighting" can sometimes be signs of a rare, happy relationship, in most cases, it's only a sign that a couple isn't spending lots of time together. They may watch TV together at night or sit in the same room, but they're not having hard conversations or expressing their emotions.
While this may allow them to leverage distance and emotional disconnection for a misguided sense of "peace" at home, it reduces their relationship satisfaction and connection over time.
5. Intimacy feels forced
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Even if these couples are still making space for physical affection and intimacy, there's a chance that a lack of conflict resolution and quality time before bed is actually making it feel more unnatural and forced.
Of course, every couple is different and unique, and that may not be the case, but oftentimes, a lack of direct communication styles and emotional expression can weaken the intimacy ties long-term couples nurture.
6. They feel more like roommates
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If a couple feels like they're only politely co-existing, rather than connecting and bonding when they're together, there's a chance they're stuck in a stagnant "roommate phase" that's encouraging them to avoid conflict and true quality time.
While a temporary roommate phase is often normal and natural for some couples, according to psychologist Silvana Mici, when it lingers and sabotages connection, it could be a red flag. Couples who don't fight but also don't sleep in the same bed or spend a lot of quality time together likely have these specific problems.
7. They justify and minimize small issues
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While avoiding and minimizing stressors and issues in a marriage might offer a fleeting sense of comfort and control, a study from the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology suggests that these behaviors only amplify stress and tension in the long run.
Not only are partners missing out on the fundamental experience of being seen and heard by their partners, but they likely feel alone, despite being around them all the time. By avoiding conflict and going to bed at different times, they can avoid confronting these feelings, but that doesn't mean they're going away.
8. They have lingering resentment
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If a couple falls into avoidant tendencies and starts to dismiss opportunities for conflict-resolution away, chances are they're still developing some kind of resentment under the surface. When a partner feels unheard or their spouse feels overlooked amid everyday life, the feelings and emotions that come from those experiences don't simply go away on their own.
Couples who don't fight may feel pressured to minimize their feelings and avoid quality time, even in bed together at night, but that doesn't mean their routine isn't being plagued by lingering remnants of resentment and disconnection.
9. They confuse calmness with relationship health
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Of course, feeling safe to express yourself and feeling consistently understood by a partner are both wildly important things in a long-term relationship, but if you're justifying problems and moments of disconnection with "calmness" or "contentness," chances are you're not progressing.
Whether it's appreciating the quietness of alone time or appreciating the fleeting sense of comfort that comes from avoiding conflict, partners in these situations often end up more disconnected in the end.
10. They cope with alone time
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Even if sleeping at different times and even in a separate bed feels like a justification of individuality and alone time, without a certain level of intimacy, connection, or togetherness, couples can subtly fall out of touch with each other. They cope with that disconnection by spending more time alone or out of the house, so while they may not be arguing directly, it's not necessarily bonding.
Even when it's difficult and even when it's uncomfortable, conflict is necessary. It just depends on how you communicate through it and express yourselves, which determines how healthy it is for your relationship.
11. Emotional 'bids' are ignored
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Couples who don't fight but also don't go to sleep at the same time usually have specific problems, like completely missing emotional "bids" for connection. When a partner does try to reach out or connect physically, the other is seemingly disconnected and brushes it off.
Intimate moments are left uncultivated. Connecting conversations are immediately overlooked. It's these small moments that are actually incredibly influential, as they shape the reality that couples live amid the mundanity of everyday life.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
