People Who Use These 11 Innocent Sounding Phrases Almost Always Sound Condescending And Rude
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock There are some people in the world who are just downright rude. However, a vast majority aren’t actively trying to tear others down and hurt their feelings. When they do come off as rude or condescending, it’s not intentional, and it’s not meant to be hurtful. Unfortunately, it’s pretty easy to let phrases slip into your vocabulary that sound perfectly acceptable, but actually carry a lot more weight than expected.
As Claire Jack, PhD, explained, “Most of us feel bad about inflicting hurt and might stay in situations way too long for fear of hurting our loved ones. But some people go through life causing a great deal of hurt to other people, including romantic partners and even their own children.” Whether someone really meant to be rude or was just parroting a commonly used phrase that came off the wrong way, there are some things we all have to be careful about saying to others.
People who use these 11 innocent sounding phrases almost always sound condescending and rude
1. ‘Must be nice to have all that time’
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Any phrase that starts with “must be nice” is pretty much automatically a backhanded compliment. On the surface, it may sound like the person saying it is admiring your life, but it’s really not about that at all. In this case, that person is subtly pointing out that you aren’t using your time wisely and are squandering it.
Social psychologist Joachim I. Krueger, PhD, stated, “As a type of insincere compliment, a backhanded one must be distinguished from a different type of insincere compliment, namely flattery. Whereas the backhander banks on the compliment’s insincerity being detected (therein lies the sadistic fun), the flatterer hopes that it is not.”
Obviously, there’s nothing flattering about someone suggesting that you have way too much time on your hands. There’s a good chance that they didn’t mean to be condescending and rude, and are maybe really just truly envious of your time, but a phrase like this still signals that someone is not being nice.
2. ‘I was just asking’
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If someone insists they were “just asking,” it sends the message that they’re probably judging you. “I was just asking” usually comes up as a defensive response after someone pries a little too much into another’s life. Something hurt your feelings, but they aren’t taking responsibility for it. Instead, they’re excusing whatever it was they said in the first place.
Psychologist Leon F. Seltzer, PhD, shared that it’s really not worth it to get into an argument with someone who won’t take responsibility in an attempt to make them do so. “Rather, they’re likely to archly defend themselves, project their blame back onto you, search for something — anything — to attack you for, or refuse to discuss the matter altogether,” he added.
If you think about the times you’ve heard someone say “I was just asking,” there’s a good chance that in almost every instance it was said with an air of defensiveness. It’s meant to show that the other person didn’t really mean to cause harm and shouldn’t be held accountable for it. They’re saying that they didn’t mean anything by it, which may or may not be true.
3. ‘I don’t expect you to understand’
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There are, admittedly, some situations where it would be appropriate for someone to say they don’t expect you to understand something. If they’re talking about something you have truly never experienced before, it kind of makes sense. But, if you’re trying to offer sympathy or comfort and they’re pushing you away by saying this, it’s going to sound pretty condescending.
Clinical psychologist Bonnie Zucker, PhD, explained why judgmental phrases like this can be so hurtful. “Many people have at least some fears of other people’s judgments,” she said. “We all have our insecurities, and it’s easy to assume that others judge us based on these perceived shortcomings.”
If someone says they don’t expect you to understand something, it sounds like they’re making an unfair judgment call about your intelligence. It’s like saying they would never think you could understand because you just don’t have the capacity to do so. Some people might say this phrase innocently, but it still stings when you hear it.
4. ‘No offense, but…’
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Has anyone ever used the phrase “no offense” at a time when they didn’t actually mean to offend? This is one of those phrases that makes you automatically brace yourself for whatever’s coming next. Even if that person isn’t trying to be judgmental or point out your flaws, there’s really no way to get around thinking that’s what they mean with such a phrase.
A study published in Frontiers in Psychology explained that “feeling offended is a complex emotional state.” It includes both personal factors, like your self-esteem, and relational factors, which basically mean how hurtful the offense is based on your relationship to the person who caused it.
Even if someone says “no offense” and truly doesn’t mean to offend you, they’re probably still going to come off as very condescending and rude. Unfortunately, this phrase is really overused at this point because of how popular it’s become, so some people are probably just using it as filler in a conversation. No one likes to be offended, so this phrase won't go over well.
5. ‘That’s an interesting choice’
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Phrases like “that’s an interesting choice” have become common when someone is judging another person’s decisions. To some, it may sound nice. After all, who doesn’t want to be called interesting? But really, it’s just a way for someone to signal that they don’t approve of your actions. They’re not saying so outright, but they’re certainly implying it.
Author Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, said, “All of us care whether or not people like us … Based on this need for social connection, your reactions to rejection, negative judgment, and stinging sarcastic remarks can range from minor hurt to bouts of depression.”
Someone’s intentions in saying “that’s an interesting choice” might be completely innocent, but hearing it will probably still feel painful. No matter what the intended meaning was, it’s going to sound judgmental and hostile. It’s not the kind of thing you would say to a friend, and you wouldn’t want one saying it to you either.
6. ‘I thought you knew already’
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Being in a situation where someone is referring to a past incident, like you know exactly what they’re talking about, can be awkward. That’s what makes phrases like “I thought you knew already” tricky. It’s completely possible that the other person genuinely thought you did know. But it can also mean that they’re trying to point out how little they think you know.
Former professor Susan Krauss Whitbourne, PhD, ABPP, said that people who say things like this, which indicate they know much more than everyone else, are actually lacking in emotional intelligence. “With this recognition, you can see that you might need to be more overt (or more overt than you prefer) in letting the person know how you feel than you would with someone who’s higher on emotional sensitivity,” she said.
Dealing with someone who has a low level of emotional intelligence is never easy, and if someone is trying to say that you don’t know as much as you should, then they definitely fit the bill. It can sound totally innocent for someone to insist they thought you already knew something, but it really just leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
7. ‘I’m surprised you pulled that off’
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This phrase sounds innocent because someone could argue that they were actually impressed by your actions. However, it’s pretty clear that anyone who says this is really letting you know they didn’t have a lot of confidence in your ability to begin with. They’re genuinely surprised because they didn’t think you were capable of doing whatever it was.
Psychosocial rehabilitation specialist Kendra Cherry, MSEd, said, “Being confident in yourself and your abilities allows you to know that you can rely on yourself to manage different situations. This self-trust means that you feel comfortable and confident navigating many different things you might encounter in life, which can play an important role in your overall well-being.”
Believing in yourself is important and helpful. If people in your life are constantly trying to tear you down and say that they don’t have confidence in you, your self-esteem is going to take a major hit. No one should be shocked when you do something amazing because you are perfectly capable of doing incredible things.
8. ‘I could never do that, but good for you’
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It would be pretty easy to hear this phrase and think that someone is giving you a genuine compliment. Maybe they’re saying you’re braver or smarter than they are. It’s really just condescending, though. They’re saying that they don’t approve of your choices, and they would never choose to do the same thing themselves.
According to Atara Wertentheil of Long Island Psychology, there’s a difference between respecting and accepting other people’s decisions. “Respect is about recognizing our loved one’s decisions and their right to make those decisions,” she said.
In other words, a friend or family member doesn’t actually have to like the decisions you make or the things you do, but they do have to understand that those were your choices. A healthy relationship can’t continue otherwise. Judging you and implying they would never have done the same isn’t acceptable.
9. ‘I can’t believe how confident you are’
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If someone tells you that they can’t believe how confident you are, you’re probably going to think it’s a good thing at first. It definitely sounds like a compliment, and like they’re sharing something they admire about you. But if you look more closely, you'll see it’s pretty rude. That other person is basically saying that there’s a reason you shouldn’t be confident, and they plant a seed of doubt in your mind.
Social psychologist Alice Boyes, PhD, noted, “We’re largely designed to react to any kind of uncertainty or mixed signals with anxiety. Let’s say you get feedback on an idea and nine reactions are at least mildly positive, and one is negative. That negative response is likely to rock you disproportionately.”
This means that if your confidence level tends to fluctuate — and pretty much everyone’s does — hearing that one person say that they don’t think you’re good enough can be all it takes to hit rock bottom. Of course, in this situation, the person isn’t actually saying that in a straightforward way. They’re quietly attacking your confidence instead, suggesting that you shouldn’t believe in yourself because they certainly don’t.
10. ‘You’re still doing that’
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There are times when we could all use a gentle reminder from a loved one that it’s time to move on from something, whether it’s a person, a bad habit, or something else. Having someone ask you if you’re still doing that isn't the best way to go about it. They may be able to frame their question as concern, but it really just means they’re feeling a lot of judgment and disapproval over you not leaving something in the past.
Health and wellness writer Shahida Arabi, MA, suggested, “When you find yourself seeking validation from others, ask yourself if the person you’re seeking validation from is a ‘safe’ person who is emotionally nourishing or might exploit you during a vulnerable time.”
We all crave validation from others, especially those close to us, but we have to remember that our own internal validation is the most important kind. Looking to others for approval can be dangerous because you can’t always trust everyone around you. There are people who will make their disapproval and invalidation clear through their words.
11. ‘Bless your heart’
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“Bless your heart” is a classic phrase to say when someone wants to seem nice but is really anything but. It sounds so sweet, especially when it comes out of an elderly southern lady’s mouth. In reality, this is a major sign of condescension. What may seem like sympathy is actually them looking down on you.
Psychotherapist Oona Metz, LICSW, said that you should take it seriously if someone is acting condescending. “Condescending behaviors may include insulting or belittling comments, failure to recognize strengths or accomplishments, a dismissive attitude, or a holier-than-thou demeanor,” she said.
By saying “bless your heart,” someone can give off the illusion of being sweet while actually criticizing you, and maybe even secretly laughing at you. It’s a phrase that feels extremely innocent, but really isn’t. It’s rare that you’ll hear someone say this phrase without them having some kind of agenda.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
