People Who Lack Solid Social Skills Almost Always Use These 11 Uncomfortable Phrases
GaudiLab | Shutterstock Social skills directly impact the way people interact with each other. They can help ease tension when meeting new people, while poor social skills can make it difficult for someone to gauge what to say or not say correctly. People who seem to lack solid social skills often find themselves using uncomfortable phrases, then spiraling into awkward silences. This can be off-putting for observers and feel isolating for the person saying them.
If you're one of the lucky people for whom social skills come naturally, it may seem silly for someone to be so awkward. But the American Psychological Association defines social skills as “a set of learned abilities that enable an individual to interact competently and appropriately in a given social context." The important word there is "learned", and like any other skill, we all learn at different paces and with different aptitudes. Fortunately, people can improve their social skills with practice and by paying close attention to other people’s reactions.
People who lack solid social skills almost always use these 11 uncomfortable phrases
1. ‘I’m just being honest’
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A phrase people with bad social skills use without realizing is, “I’m just being honest." This phrase often follows them saying something hurtful or awkward as a means of justifying their behavior.
Being honest is generally considered a positive trait, yet being honest just for honesty's sake, without considering the emotional consequences, can hurt others. People with bad social skills often frame hurtful comments as expressions of truth, but, just because a statement is true doesn’t mean it has to be shared.
One of the most important tools for preventing this type of gaffe is a simple pause. Before you give an opinion or say something about someone else, pause and ask yourself three questions, known as the Three Gates of Speech: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary/helpful?
If it doesn't pass through these gates, it likely doesn't need to be said.
2. ‘Calm down, it's just a joke’
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Another phrase people who lack solid social skills use without realizing it is, “Why can’t you take a joke?” or something similar. They usually pose this question as a defense mechanism after saying something harmful as a means of making the person who was offended or hurt feel like they are silly or stupid for their reaction.
While dark humor, sometimes called black humor, can be valuable in helping some people in certain situations navigate difficult emotions, there’s a distinct difference between using humor to cope and being cruel. Yes, that can be a tenuous line to walk, but it can be done by those who use empathy to know when to stop.
While someone who lacks social skills might not have meant to be hurtful on purpose, it’s still up to them to hold themselves accountable for what they’ve said rather than make the other person responsible for their reaction. If they cannot find a way to notice when their "jokes" might hurt someone, or apologize after for the mistake, they shouldn't make jokes in the first place.
3. ‘You look tired’
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Telling someone they look tired is another example of a phrase people lacking solid social skills might use, thinking they're being helpful. However, telling someone they look tired is more of an insult than an expression of care or concern.
This phrase emphasizes a lack of social competence, which could explain why someone might use it without considering its impact. According to the American Psychological Association, social competence is “the ability to evaluate social situations and determine what is expected or required; to recognize the feelings and intentions of others; and to select social behaviors that are most appropriate for that given context.”
A person without social competence might not understand that saying something like this is likely to be interpreted as an insulting statement. Instead, if someone they care about seems tired, they could simply say, "What's going on? Is everything OK?" and letting their loved one take the lead from there.
4. ‘You don’t get it’
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People who lack social skills might say something along the lines of “you don’t get it" when they feel frustrated or overwhelmed and a friend is trying to empathize. The problem is that human beings will rarely be able to "get" other people's experiences without a little insight and openness from the person who is struggling.
Using the phrase “You don’t get it” shuts people out. It’s often an indication of low emotional intelligence, along with bad social skills. People with low emotional intelligence often blame other people for their own feelings and are highly critical.
Psychologist Nick Wignall elaborates on why, explaining that, “[c]riticizing others is often an unconscious defense mechanism aimed at alleviating our insecurities,” Wignall stated. He pointed out that being critical isn’t always negative, as being able to “think carefully and critically about the world around us is a vital skill. It helps us navigate the world and our relationships objectively.”
Saying, "you don’t get it” to someone who’s trying to see outside their perspective may be a result of frustration on the part of the person lacking solid social skills, but their motivation matters less than the impact of those words. Too often, the person saying that phrase will end up alone, wondering why people don't support them.
5. ‘I'm going to play devil’s advocate’
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People who lack solid social skills often use say they're going to "play devil's advocate" without realizing what that often means to others. They use it during intellectual debates or arguments to pose hypothetical situations that don’t contribute to the larger conversation.
The phrase, which originated in the Catholic Church as part of the process of determining whether someone should be named as a saint or not is often an excuse to be argumentative or harshly critical without any purpose other than being argumentative or frustrating.
Relying on this phrase repeatedly can be a sign that someone was raised without good manners or that they lack empathy and compassion for people who might be hurt by what they’re saying. They may be thrill-seeking by upsetting other people, or they may not realize how frustrating it can be.
If someone has a legitimate reason to present hypothetical counter-arguments or scenarios, they can simply ask the person they're with if they'd like to hear a "devil's advocate" scenario. They may appreciate the challenge and say yes, or they may decline. Either way, asking first is always the more respectful choice.
6. ‘Why do you care so much?’
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There are two different ways to ask someone why they care so much about an issue. In one scenario, a person wants to learn more about what makes them feel connected and passionate about something. Usually, this is said in a kind tone lacking in judgement and phrased as an actual question, like, "What makes you feel so passionately about this?"
But “Why do you care so much?” is often used by people who lack solid social skills as a way to make someone feel silly for feeling passionate. After all, one major part of having strong social skills involves assessing other people’s emotional states, and asking someone why they care so much can seem aggressive or cold.
Having bad social skills can directly impact the quality of people’s relationships, and when you hear examples like this it's easy to understand why. Experts at Berkeley's Greater Good in Education center note that social skills are really relationship skills, and without them, people may find themselves lacking meaningful connections with others.
7. ‘I told you so’
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“I told you so” is a phrase most people know is rude, but those lacking adequate social skills might not understand the full gravity of saying it out loud. Aside from it sounding like someone is gloating, it makes a person look petty and childish.
No one particularly likes being wrong. Making mistakes can feel uncomfortable and shameful, so saying “I told you so” isn’t a productive or kind response. The person already knows they were wrong, after all.
Holding space for people when they’ve messed up requires someone to show compassion, not assign blame. Instead of using this phrase, remind the person that everyone makes mistakes, and aiming for repair is the best step forward.
8. ‘I wouldn’t do that if I were you’
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Saying, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you” is almost always unkind. The exception would be if it's said in a funny way, if it's in response to the question, "Do you think I should do it?" or in some other logical, appropriate setting.
Often, people who lack solid social skills say phrases like this without realizing that it implies that they think the other person isn't as smart as they are, or at least not smart enough to make a good decision. This phrase makes it look like someone has big ego and always think they know the right answer.
Ultimately, in most cases, this is a condescending phrase that doesn't offer of support or guidance. Asking someone if they want advice is a better approach than just declaring, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
9. ‘Everyone knows that’
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“Everyone knows that” is one of the most overtly rude phrase on this list of uncomfortable phrases, and still some people without social skills say it. Usually, this phrase is intended to embarrass someone, shame them or make them feel stupid.
Often, people who lack solid social skills think they sound smarter than others when they say it, as it implies that whoever they’re talking to lacks common sense. In truth, it exposes the speaker's lack of tact and makes them look insecure.
Everyone has different strengths and areas where they know more than others. What some people accept as common sense might be new information for others, and that's why it pays to be pause and determine whether a phrase like "everyone knows that" is going to be helpful before you say it.
10. 'That's just stupid'
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While this phrase may seem obviously uncomfortable on the surface, sometimes people who lack solid social skills say it in a way they think is universally true. For example, they may make a comment about something a celebrity or politician said and then say, "and that's just stupid!"
While they may expect everyone else to agree, sometimes this phrase can make people uncomfortable. Perhaps someone is related to or a big fan of the person being called stupid, or maybe they agree with the "stupid" thing the awkward person disagrees with.
Regardless of why someone may be offended or hurt, people with good social skills likely know better than to declare something stupid before knowing how it might affect those around them. That's why the APA insists empathy is so important.
In an article on their site, they note, "Ann Rumble, PhD, a psychology lecturer at Northern Arizona University, found empathy can override noncooperation, causing people to be more generous and forgiving and less retaliative (European Journal of Social Psychology, Vol. 40, No. 5, 2010). 'Empathic people ask themselves, ‘Maybe I need to find out more before I jump to a harsh judgment',' she said."
11. ‘This is just who I am’
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Saying "this is just who I am" is a tricky one, because it can go any number of different ways. For some, it's an empowering statement of self-acceptance. For example, if someone doesn't like how confident a woman is, she might reply, "This is just who I am" and be totally justified.
Too often, however, people lacking in social skills will say this without realizing that it sounds impolite and self-centered. The phrase functions as a way for someone to avoid taking responsibility for their behavior, especially when they’ve caused harm or hurt others.
The phrase also indicates a lack of self-awareness. Debra Smouse, a life coach, defines self-awareness as “the ability to observe ourselves and understand why we react and how we behave in our lives.”
“Awareness is not only accepting what we discover about ourselves, but it also helps us make informed decisions about the changes we want to make in our lives,” she continued. “Awareness is the ability to be honest about our weaknesses and strengths. It's a tool that allows us to better manage our thoughts, motivations, and emotions.”
If someone uses phrases like these, it might be time for them to work on their self-awareness. If not, they just might drive people they care about away.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis, and the entertainment industry.
