11 Things Smart Adults Simply Refuse To Explain To Their Parents, No Matter How Hard It Is
Evgeny Atamanenko | Shutterstock While they are obviously nuanced and different in every family dynamic, the key to nurturing healthy parent-child relationships later in life revolves around secure attachments, emotional support, and open, honest communication, according to clinical psychologist Stacey R. Pinatelli. There have to be boundaries and expectations, especially considering many parents struggle with the natural disconnect that comes when their children grow up and out of the house.
If an adult child's parents are struggling to let go and respect their new adult autonomy, there are certain things smart adults simply refuse to explain to their parents, no matter how hard it is. They're not going to "prove" themselves worthy of basic respect or understanding, because that should come naturally without justification in a healthy family relationship.
Here are 11 things smart adults simply refuse to explain to their parents, no matter how hard it is
1. Their career choices
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Adult children may still feel a pressure to keep up with their parents or follow their expectations, but for the most part, they're fully independent and capable of making their own decisions — without parents' reassurance or approval. So, if parents are expecting their children to follow their demands and regulations, even when they're out of the house, chances are they're just breaking down the relationship.
Especially in situations where parents are using their kids' accomplishments as something to brag about or to feed into their own self-worth, that can craft a burden. Their parents should feel supportive of their kids' choices, even if they don't align with their personal expectations or vision for what they'd choose.
2. Their personal beliefs
Adult children tend to experience a shift in personal values and beliefs as they get older and start crafting their own lives. Of course, a parent's early life influence tends to shape the foundation of their beliefs, but that doesn't mean they're concrete forever.
Especially when it comes to "controversial" or extremely personal values around politics and similar topics, these are some of the things smart adults simply refuse to explain to their parents, no matter how hard it is. If these conversations always turn into a fight or are met with dismissive attitudes, they'd prefer to keep them to themselves.
3. Their relationship status
According to counselor Dr. Rachel Glik, a shift in American values accounts for a lot of tension between parents and their adult children later in life, from expectations about the "nuclear family" to pressure to make certain career choices. Younger generations of adults today may be happy to stay single, not have children, or pursue artistic careers, but their parents are still grappling with a change to the values they crafted their entire lives around.
However, in today's modern society, traditional expectations, like getting married as a woman, are no longer a necessity. Adult children have the freedom to make choices in their best interest, even if it doesn't align with what their parents did or want.
That's why smart adults simply refuse to explain or justify why they're single or in a specific type of relationship to their parents, no matter how hard it is. They know what's best for them.
4. Their financial choices
Unless they're actively supporting their kids with money, which typically prompts conflict and disconnection on its own, parents shouldn't feel empowered to preach to their kids about their financial choices. If they were good parents and did the right thing when their kids were still at home, chances are they already soaked up the financial literacy they need to make decisions in their best interests.
It's one of the money mistakes many parents make later in life with their adult kids — they subtly undermine their kids' autonomy and decision-making skills, sometimes without realizing it, by policing their every action. They're only disconnecting their kids from the family more and breaking down trust. Sometimes, even when they don't agree, it's better to simply be a pillar of support.
5. Their decision to have or not have children
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Many parents still hold their children to unrealistic, traditional expectations — like a pressure to get married or have children in adulthood — simply because they did the same. However, the best parents support their adult children through whatever choices they decide to make, even if that means letting go of old-school stereotypes about what an adult life looks like.
That's why the choice to have or not have children is one of the things smart adults simply refuse to explain to their parents, no matter how hard it is. They know that they'll make the best decision for themselves, and don't need approval or reassurance from their parents to make it.
Especially in today's world, where parenting is becoming more of a financial burden and an impossible experience for younger generations of adults, it's not always an easy and straightforward choice to make. Alongside added pressure from parents, it can feel impossible.
6. Their boundaries
Whether it's deciding not to go to family gatherings or creating space with certain family members, these boundaries are one of the things smart adults simply refuse to explain to their parents, no matter how hard it is. Of course, parents can't respect their kids' boundaries if they don't know about or understand them, but adult children should never feel pressure to justify them over and over again.
As parent coach and psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein suggests, it's possible to craft "win-win boundaries" between parents and their kids, but they have to revolve around mutual respect and understanding. If a parent is expecting their kids to regularly undermine their own boundaries and justify why they're making decisions, that completely sabotages that foundation.
7. Their personal parenting choices
According to psychologist David J. Bredehoft, many overstepping grandparents will overindulge with their grandchildren, offering them gifts, overstepping their adult children's boundaries, and undermining their authority when they're not around. While it might feel like a harmless endeavor in the moment, it can break down trust between their kids.
Setting boundaries is meant to act as a reminder of the behavior that adult children are willing to tolerate, and if their parents regularly overstep them without remorse, that can cause tension and conflict. Smart adults simply refuse to explain their personal parenting choices to their own parents, especially more than once, for the sake of their own sanity.
If their parents can't follow their expectations, they'll grow apart from their grandkids, and that's for everyone's well-being.
8. Their need for space
Oftentimes, the natural disconnection that comes from adult children starting their own lives is a primary driver of tension in their family relationships, according to a study from Psychology and Aging, especially for parents who frame their self-worth and sense of importance around their kids. They don't know what to do with themselves when they don't have access to their kids, both physically and emotionally, all the time.
However, smart adults shouldn't feel a constant pressure to be available for their parents all the time. Especially if they're being guilted into quality time and availability, that only strains their relationship further.
9. Their lifestyle choices
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Justifying their life choices and explaining their lifestyles aren't things that smart adult children are entertaining with their parents. Especially if they feel judged for following a certain path or straying away from their parents' traditional expectations, they're not going to speak about them.
For parents who truly believe their kids are making poor lifestyle choices and harming their personal health, the key to changing that behavior isn't to overstep or blame their kids. It's to listen, lead with empathy, and be a strong pillar of emotional support. If adult kids don't feel safe talking about their problems with their parents, of course they're going to be less likely to share those struggles in vulnerable ways.
10. Their mental health
As a Cureus study explains, mental health stigma is often influenced by cultural norms, values, and beliefs. For parents who grew up suppressing their emotions and avoiding speaking about mental health, of course conversations about therapy, emotional intelligence, and seeking help are uncomfortable and controversial.
However, for their younger adult children, these are natural parts of life. They should feel free to speak with a therapist, have healthy conversations about trauma, and talk about their mental health without feeling pressured to shove it all down.
That's why many adult children simply refuse to over-explain their mental health journeys to their parents. They'd prefer to save that kind of vulnerability for the people they can trust to simply listen and support them, rather than judge and criticize their every move.
11. Everything about their personal lives
Certain boundaries have to be set in parent-child relationships later in life, especially with parents who feel entitled to all of their kids' time, energy, and space. If a parent isn't able to respect their kids' autonomy, they're going to have less access in their lives.
That's why smart adults, especially with parents prone to overstepping and providing unsolicited advice, simply refuse to explain all aspects of their personal lives to their parents, no matter how hard it is. They need to make choices and decisions for themselves, and if they always have a parent in their ear suggesting things and making comments, it becomes even more of a challenge.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
