Kids Who Grow Up Watching Their Parents Do These 3 Things Tend To Be Way Less Anxious Adults
mediaphotos | Canva When kids are dealing with anxiety and worry, the parents suffer, too! It hurts to see someone you love suffering with worries. If your child is anxious, worried, or a perfectionist, you probably already know the signs: wringing hands, clutching the belly, crying, fingernail biting, angry, abrupt responses, tantrums, self-loathing, criticism, and comparing themselves to others.
What worsens this situation for a concerned parent is the futile dance in which you are trying to help, and your efforts appear to backfire. If you have ever tried to help a chronically worried child in the midst of an anxiety attack, you know how frustrating it can be. Do any of these common examples of anxiety in children sound familiar?
- Your anxious child is complaining, unable to stop the fear that they will be unable to achieve something.
- Your child expresses confusion about how to handle a situation that is clearly provoking anxiety.
- Competition and comparison loom large for your child.
- Your kitchen counter has become the daily crying spot for your child.
Helping a child when they feel actively anxious or worried presents a unique challenge. Parents often blame themselves or each other for their child's anxiety disorder. Having no clear way to move forward for what on the surface seems like a simple fix creates doubt about one's parenting.
I often hear parents remark that they must be doing something terribly wrong for their worried kid to have these strong feelings. They may also feel worn out by the child's complaints and concerns. When conversations prove fruitless, parents may give up listening entirely, because if your child summarily refuses solutions and comforts, why try? You tell yourself that if you were a better parent, your child wouldn't worry so much.
But, here's the thing: worry is a feeling like all others. Like happiness or frustration, it tends to build on itself: more worry creates more worry. This does not mean you are failing as a parent. You have stumbled upon one of the hardest parts of parenthood
Before you add worry to worry, take a step back and breathe. No part of your child is intentionally trying to hurt them. This may not seem true, but I assure you, all parts of each of us are trying to help — no matter how ineffective and even harmful the result. But you can learn how to calm anxiety in your child so that they grow into less anxious adults.
Kids who grow up watching their parents do these 3 things tend to be way less anxious adults:
1. Validating their child's anxious thoughts
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I know it may sound strange, but your child doesn't constantly display anxiety and worry. We tend to look at the child and say, "She is worried!" But it is truer and more helpful to recognize that the child worries. Rather than responding to the worry as a character flaw, you can think of it like pain.
When a child is reacting to pain, you might ask, "Where do you feel it?" This question applies wonderfully to worry as well. Rather than asking, "Why are you worried?", a question that brings a child fully into their brain to find a story for the worry, it is far better to help the child notice the sensation that worry creates in their body.
Research found that kids who learn to pay attention to what's happening in their bodies get way better at managing their emotions. When they can notice things like a racing heart or butterflies in their stomach and connect those feelings to anxiety, they catch it early before it takes over.
When your child's body is experiencing worry, the first line of aid is the body. In this way, it is easier to tell if the worry comes from a simple nervous system reaction to the outside world or an internal reaction to a thought or both. Again, think of the worry as pain. Questions like, "Where do you feel the worry?", "When did it start?", and "When did you not feel the worry last?" are all good questions to begin.
All bodies cycle in and out of the subtle urge to fight, flee, or freeze all day long. Teach your child about their feelings as normal parts of a healthy nervous system. Avoid any aggressive or blaming of worried presentations.
2. Being a calm witness
Managing anxiety can be difficult for anyone. But remaining calm is important when your child is openly anxious or displaying another characteristic of worry. Once you've been able to determine that your child does, indeed, feel some kind of worry, anxiety, or fear, it's important to get calm yourself. Obviously, if there is imminent danger to the child, respond with clear action.
But if your child feels worried without a danger to address, you need to provide a calm witness. Do not hesitate to request help from trusted support for your own worried energy.
Studies show that when parents can keep their cool during stressful moments, their kids pick up on that and develop better emotional control themselves. It turns out your calm energy actually helps your child handle tough feelings in healthier ways instead of getting swept up in the anxiety.
If you detect that you are afraid of your child's worry or angry at your child's worry, it is important to deal with this internally to really help your child. Be patient with yourself, in the meantime, and take small breaks to calm and center. Here's how to be a calm witness with a worried child:
- Breathe gently and notice your own body.
- If you have parts of you that do not like the child or the child's worry right now, practice asking them to just step back for a few moments. (This takes a little practice, but it's worth it!)
- Check for patience, compassion, curiosity, and caring in your own body and mind. Invite these qualities to sit with your child.
- Just listen with an open heart and notice your child's worry speaking. It may ebb and flow between worried, angry, calm, and frustrated. Just observe without trying to solve or fix. This is much like watching a fish swim or a flower bloom. There is nothing to do at this moment.
3. Offering quiet reassurance
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You may also do so in the case of an obvious physical emergency. This assistance may include anything from a cooperative action to a gentle touch. When a child's anxiety feels overwhelming, their sympathetic nervous system is firing.
Thus, their biological body is telling them to fight, to flee, or freeze them without knowing how to respond. It's important to listen to what they feel they need at the moment and to remain calmly responsive.
Research found that kids who feel like they have some say in how they handle anxious moments actually cope better overall. When children have that sense of control, they're more likely to use strategies like problem-solving instead of just avoiding what scares them.
As the child begins to calm, make a gentle effort to connect. Some excellent ways to connect include using eye contact, a small touch, humor, listening to music, tapping, or walking together.
At this point, if the child feels connected and clearer about the worry, you can help them learn how to deal with anxiety by helping them address the worry with a simple solution. Listen to what the worried part needs and facilitate reasonable changes, especially if the child expresses motivation to follow through.
Notice, too, if the child reveals too many adult responsibilities like taking care of their emotions, relationships, or financial worries. In these cases, assure the child that you will make some changes yourself to help.
Children, like all of us, are entitled to all of their feelings. Having a full range of emotional expression makes for an authentic and meaningful life.
But, if your child's worry has become too large, carrying the burden of painful beliefs, it's important to remember that your loving presence is the starting place to help your child through this particular pain.
Ingrid Helander is a marriage and family therapist helping people who suffer from insecurity, doubt, impossible communication patterns, and overwhelming stress.
