11 Odd Behaviors You'll Notice In Someone Who Grew Up Never Fitting In
Rawpixel.com | Shutterstock Growing up being the odd one out, whether it was making friends in your neighborhood or on the playground, maybe even within your own family, ends up being an experience that tends to follow you into adulthood. Even if you've moved past it and have now found community, those habits you used to survive seemingly have a way of coming out in moments that might still surprise you. Many people just assume that not fitting in means someone is just shy or deeply insecure and those are the behaviors they exhibit as a result. In actuality, being someone who struggled to fit in means you've learned to stay one step ahead of being rejected.
Excluded people tend to become even more sensitive to potential signs of connection and they'll make sure to tailor their behavior accordingly. It means they really know how to read a room and adjust themselves as a result. Whether it's a friend or family member, there are certain odd behaviors you'll notice in someone who grew up never fitting in. But this kind of behavior feels normal to these individuals. They might not realize they are still connected to their past experiences because of how much it helped get them through it; it just ends up becoming a part of how they move through the world and interact with people they meet.
Here are 11 odd behaviors you'll notice in someone who grew up never fitting in
1. They instinctively scan every room before relaxing
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Even in the most casual of settings, people who grew up never fitting in are usually taking in people's facial expressions and the dynamic of where everyone else is sitting and talking with each other before they allow themselves to relax a single muscle. From the years of feeling out of place, it's trained them to be prepared for anything.
Scanning a room helps them figure out how comfortable they're allowed to be. They're not trying to judge the people in the room, but simply trying to figure out how they fit in and how they need to protect themselves if something were to happen.
As explained by licensed psychologist Jonice Webbs, feeling like an outsider is something that hangs over you and can even emerge at the most unexpected of times, preventing you from ever being fully involved. It becomes less of a conscious behavior and more of an automatic quirk.
Even in places that are supposed to feel comfortable, like hanging at a friend's house or being at a family gathering, that instinct still kicks in, whether they like it or not.
2. They assume they're not part of the 'inner circle'
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It doesn't matter how friendly people seem, they believe that they're usually being made the butt of a joke or that they're not always included in the bond that other people have formed with teach other. In their head, the friendly interactions they have with people feel incredibly temporary, but unfortunately, this remains one of the odd behaviors you'll notice in someone who grew up never fitting in.
They may enjoy the moment for what it is, but they're usually bracing themselves for the realization that everyone else is much closer with each other than they are. But there is usually never any real evidence to back up this belief that they have. Despite that, it hinders their ability to just speak freely around others and to just show up as their most authentic self.
3. They bring something extra to avoid being a burden
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These individuals are constantly trying to compensate for their own presence. If they're being invited to someone's house, they'll show up with some food, or they'll offer to help with anything and everything just to make themselves that much more useful.
It's less about wanting to be generous and more about having this fear that they're an inconvenience. They might have felt that their presence was tolerated but not welcomed when they were growing up.
Now in their adulthood, bringing something almost becomes a way to soften their arrival and make themselves somewhat important and useful before someone can question why they're here in the first place. They'll overextend themselves to the point of pure exhaustion, but it makes them feel better than just arriving somewhere and existing because of how uncomfortable they were made to feel in their adolescence.
4. They overthink conversations before they end
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It might sound like a fairly normal and productive conversation to everyone else, but these individuals will often sit and replay them in their heads for hours, even days, or sometimes while they're still in the conversation. They are looking to see how they sounded, if that joke they said landed the way they intended, or whether they stumbled over their words while trying to tell a story.
It's because they might have grown up feeling misunderstood and experienced awkward moments that felt like proof they didn't belong in these spaces. But according to research published in Behaviour Research and Therapy, rumination can usually heighten a person's vulnerability to anxiety, depression, insomnia, and impulsive behaviors. On top of that, conversations can end up feeling like more of a mental game than anything else.
They might be listening and responding, but they're also very aware of how they're presenting themselves. It makes it harder for them to simply relax and enjoy the back-and-forth of a good conversation. By the time it's over, they're usually mentally exhausted, even if the other person is completely unaware of anything happening but a normal interaction.
5. They're sensitive to inside jokes they don't understand
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Not getting the full context of an inside joke can quickly be a trigger, and for someone who grew up never fitting in, their sensitivity to these jokes is an odd behavior. It takes them back to memories of being excluded without any kind of explanation.
Even in the most lighthearted of settings, it can still end up stinging as if it was done on purpose. Missing the punchline a couple of times as a child made these individuals feel as if it was proof they never belonged. And whether or not it was intentional, that feeling sticks.
Rather than stemming from feelings of being insecure, it usually stems from feelings of exclusion. They are just wanting to protect themselves from feeling left out again. And being in a group setting where a harmless joke is told that they might not get, but everyone else is keeled over it in laughter, can dredge those feelings right back up again.
6. They're oddly comfortable being alone
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For someone who grew up never fitting in, their own company feels so much more familiar and safe than being asked to join the company of other people. Invitations can feel suspicious just because of how they might have felt growing up. It doesn't feel like a tangible thing, and at a moment's notice, it might just disappear entirely.
But being on their own means they can never be abandoned because it's just spending time with themselves. While researchers have examined spending time alone as being something thats beneficial, spending too much time alone can eventually lead to feelings of loneliness.
These individuals learned early on that they are usually the only people they can rely on, which means it feels uneasy to be included with other people, almost as if it will be ripped away. Just because they spend a lot of time alone doesn't mean they are unwilling to engage in any kind of connection. In fact, they usually want a meaningful relationship with people, but the ease of being alone just feels normal and predictable.
7. They question why people are nice to them
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Kindness from other people can feel strange and make these individuals immediately suspicious just from their experiences when they were young. They quickly start looking for any hidden motives, even when none exist and people are just extending kindness to them because they want to. They might have had moments when they were younger where kind gestures often came with strings attached.
Compliments might have been backhanded and offers to help them were usually conditional. Because of this, as adults they hesitate to accept any sort of praise or gesture of good will. They're constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop because of the learned skepticism that has marred their nervous systems. Any time they encounter someone who is just being genuinely warm and inviting, it throws them off and they just can't seem to accept it wholeheartedly.
8. They minimize their needs
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Asking for too much just feels incredibly risk, so they've learned to ask for very little instead. They downplay what they need, whether it be some kind of support or even something as simple as a glass of water, because they don't want to draw attention to themselves or be seen as some kind of burden. They have this deep fear of being ridiculed or outright ignored, which might have happened to them in their childhood.
They've learned that staying quiet and flying under the radar is way easier than causing friction just because they've voiced what their needs are. But a person minimizing their own needs will only end up harming them more than anything else.
Research psychologist Tchiki Davis pointed out, "Although minimizing something every once in a while isn't necessarily a problem, frequent minimization may be a sign that you avoid dealing with your emotions. Furthermore, when you always minimize your role in situations, you may appear avoidant, indecisive, or unconfident."
9. They apologize even when they've done nothing wrong
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Growing up feeling like they didn't fit in with anyone at all meant they were always fearful of their presence just annoying people. So, they learned to apologize as a way to take the edge off of them being in that space at all.
They've gotten into this habit of just apologizing for minor inconveniences that other people are not even concerned about. Sometimes they apologize before doing anything at all. Their apologies become less about taking responsibility and more about just trying to avoid conflict.
"Just because you feel anxious doesn't mean you did something wrong that requires an apology. Once you get some distance from the situation, if you still think you need to apologize (and you're confident you're not doing it to mitigate the distress), go for it. The key is to respond to the situation versus your feelings," encouraged behavioral therapist Joanna Hardis.
Over-apologizing not only becomes a shield but it can also affect how other people perceive them. Even though they are acting on the years of erring on the side of caution, they can come off as people who may be suffering with their own confidence. But the fact of the matter is, no one should feel the need to apologize just for their own presence in a room. Nor should they make excuses for simply existing either.
10. They avoid correcting people about themselves
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Perhaps one of the most odd behaviors you'll notice in someone who grew up never fitting in is their tendency to avoid correcting people who make incorrect statements, especially those that relate to themselves. They've gotten really good at just being able to nod alone when someone incorrectly talks about their experiences.
They allow jokes to be made at their expense. And they avoid clarifying details about their own life just to avoid having the hard conversation of correcting someone. In their mind, it just makes interactions so much smoother, but it also means people are just walking all over them and never getting to know the real them.
However, it doesn't have to be conflict or confrontation when correcting someone. In fact, people appreciate learning the correct information because it helps avoid future misunderstandings.
You also can't build deep, meaningful relationships with people if they actually don't know anything about you, or the things they think they do aren't even accurate at all. It takes practice, that's for sure. But once you start, you realize that you can correct people without coming off as rude or condescending.
11. They struggle to imagine being someone's first choice
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Even in relationships where their company is valued, they're still fighting that voice in the back of their head that wonders how they could ever be someone's top choice. They make excuses and even downplay their own presence in someone else's life.
This feeling usually stems from feeling like the overlooked option when they were younger. There might have been experiences where the relationships they had with people usually expired after a certain amount of time.
"Loneliness is challenging to tackle as creating connections requires a great deal of time and effort; however, it is imperative to take small yet meaningful steps to address this feeling. By reaching out and engaging with others, we can enhance our level of social connectedness," psychologist Marisa T. Cohen insisted.
So, the idea of actually being welcomed and accepted feels so unfamiliar. They might find themselves hesitating to make plans with other people and struggling to express what they need from the relationships in their life. Because they never want to come across as a burden, they'll do anything and everything to make themselves small.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
