Women Who Become Kinder With Age Usually Had These 11 Hard Experiences
They're shaped not only by empathy, but also by adversity.
Julia Zavalishina | Shutterstock People who experience more adversity and go through more challenging experiences in their lives often boast more empathetic traits than those who don’t, at least according to a study from the journal Emotion. Their challenges and the resiliency they’ve grasped on the other side offer a perspective that they would have never had the opportunity to acknowledge before, cultivating empathy that encourages them to truly care about other people.
Whether it’s giving resources, offering emotional support, or simply being a kind person amid everyday life with small acts of empathetic concern, the women who become kinder with age usually had hard experiences and adversity to go through first.
Women who become kinder with age usually had these 11 hard experiences
1. A rattling health scare
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Health scares and illness, even though scary, can also be a humbling reminder of the delicacy of life. We’re only here for a certain amount of time, and clinging onto resentment, negativity, and anger only makes the short time we have miserable.
Women who become kinder with age usually have had these hard experiences — they’ve been rattled by a health scare that’s truly reminded them to be present, let go of grudges, and give people the benefit of the doubt whenever they can.
2. A hard loss
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Losing a loved one is often completely debilitating. It’s a lifelong process and practice — grieving — that you’re never prepared for and that has no rule book. Unless you’ve lost a parent, a partner, or a loved one, you truly don’t understand the magnitude of the shift that happens in your life.
Of course, we cope and grieve in our own ways, but learning to live with this grief is another story. Women who become kinder with age may now have the perspective of loss to reframe their interactions. They bond with people over their hurt, emotionally support people with the wisdom of their process, and even find ways to connect with new people, even if it’s a hard day.
3. Being unfairly judged
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Women who have become kinder, more accepting, and empathetic with age may have experienced the cruelty of shameless discrimination or even unfair judgment early in their lives. Whether it was the color of their skin, their appearance, or the way they presented themselves to the world, if they were judged by what they looked like, rather than the contents of their character, they had to learn to cope with themselves.
These situations often urge people to shape-shift and “fit in,” but these women are effortlessly authentic. They’re kind to people, no matter what they look like or how they present themselves, because they know what it feels like to fight for attention and kindness.
4. Outgrowing people they never imagined life without
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Whether it was a family member, a partner, or a best friend, women who become kinder with age might have had to experience the hard situation of disconnecting from them. Outgrowing people you never imagined life without can be isolating and disorienting, but it’s natural — we’re all ever-changing and shifting, and not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever.
Women with the experience of adversity and the wisdom of age tend to understand that. Even if it’s still hard to accept, they know how to be kind without expecting any kind of commitment in return. They know that the people who choose to stay will do the work, and those meant to move on will.
5. Forgiving someone who never apologized
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Women who become kinder with age usually have to forgive someone who never apologized at some point in their life. They refuse to live their lives in the framework of other people’s needs and wishes, and instead move forward without the weight of grudges.
Especially with the self-esteem and perspective growth they experience with age, like a study from Current Opinion in Psychology explains, these women have the power and self-assuredness to be kind without expectation, even to the people who might’ve harmed them in the past.
Even if the person they’re moving on from hasn’t taken accountability or apologized, forgiveness still offers so many benefits to acquire, from lowering rates of depression to boosting self-esteem. Women who have been through a lot know they can’t change people or beg them to respect their boundaries, but they can protect themselves and focus on things that bring them value and joy.
6. Being pitted against another woman
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Our patriarchal society tends to pit women against each other in both subtle and unsuspecting ways. Whether it’s in relationships, in pursuit of the male gaze, or in the workplace, women who have experienced being pitted against another woman know just how demoralizing and isolating it can feel.
Now that they’ve experienced it and understand the societal pressures and nuances, they know how to support community amongst women in their lives. They empower women, rather than try to compete with them.
7. Rebuilding after a toxic relationship
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Acknowledging that you’re in a toxic relationship and making the decision to leave are two of the hardest parts of disconnecting from a toxic, unhealthy person. However, it’s also just the beginning of a long process of healing and rebuilding, according to clinician Dr. Kristen Fuller.
Women who have become kinder, more confident people after dealing with this process truly understand the nuances. They know that it’s not always as simple for women to “just leave” toxic relationships, so they’re willing to support and love them while they’re still figuring it out. Even if they’re not giving advice or solutions, they’re always there to listen and relate.
8. Feeling deep loneliness
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According to a study from Frontiers in Psychology, lonely people or those who have experienced deep loneliness are often more likely to choose positive empathy compared to those who feel emotionally and socially supported. They understand now, with the context of time, experience, and wisdom, that loneliness is an opportunity — you can retreat in despair or you can learn to appreciate your own company.
These women know what it’s like to be deeply alone, grappling with loneliness at every turn, even in a crowded room of people. They’ve come out on the other side with a deep appreciation for connection, even if it’s by sparking up a conversation with an unsuspecting stranger in a grocery store. They’re living proof that you never know what someone else is dealing with at home or internally.
9. Being manipulated
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Although experts like psychotherapist Imi Lo suggest that empathetic people are often more vulnerable to experiencing gaslighting behaviors in relationships, because of their willingness to accept people and create space for them, women who become kinder with age know how to protect themselves.
They know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of cruelty, so even when they come across as soft, kind, and vulnerable, they’re truly confident, self-assured, and brave.
They’ve been manipulated into being a smaller version of themselves before, so now they understand the “red flags” that others may easily overlook. They know the despair and self-doubt that comes with being in a room with a manipulator and know how to show their support and love to those who need it the most.
10. Being brave amid chaos
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While being brave amid the chaos of life can be overwhelming in the moment, it often gives people perspective and self-assuredness down the road. Even when there doesn’t seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel or a reason to move forward, these women did it anyway, and now they know that nothing is permanent.
They can offer that wisdom to other people who are struggling and engage in small acts of kindness that bring meaning back to the lives of people devoid of happiness and true connection.
11. Existing in rooms where they felt like they didn't belong
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Women who become kinder with age usually have the perspective of existing in rooms where they didn’t feel like they belonged. They have to pave a path for themselves and carve out communities that learned their character, rather than be called in and accepted at face value. Now, they’re more empathetic because of it.
According to psychiatrist Judith Orloff, women’s brains are often naturally wired to be intuitive — making decisions quickly, picking up on social energetic changes, and noticing their gut instincts, even when they’re struggling to make a choice.
However, women who have been through a lot in life are especially intuitive in these ways. They know when someone feels left out or like they don’t belong, because they have the perspective of feeling it themselves.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
