People Who Stay In Loveless Marriages Usually Tell Themselves These 11 Lies
They're afraid of what comes after leaving.
Dmytro Zinkevych | Shutterstock Staying — or, more dangerously, being stuck — in loveless marriages and relationships is often a nuanced conversation. According to clinical psychologist Roxy Zarrabi, there are many reasons for people making the “choice” to stay, from a fear of being alone to struggles coping with “lost, wasted” time with a partner, but many only place them in a more toxic, unsupported position.
Even if it’s uncomfortable, difficult, or scary to start over, don’t be one of the people who stay in loveless marriages to tell themselves these lies. Not everyone is meant to be with each other for life, and that’s okay. Give yourself the grace of putting yourself first, learning to move forward, and being honest in your relationship. There’s no shame in doing what’s best for you, even if it takes the people around you some time to heal.
People who stay in loveless marriages usually tell themselves these 11 lies
1. ‘It’s too late for me to start over’
New Africa | Shutterstock
Many people who stay in loveless marriages believe it’s “too late” for them to start over, but that’s always an excuse. Whether you’re 25 years old or 80, in a decades-long marriage, it’s never too late to put your own needs first and reclaim your own happiness. Even if it’s scary and takes some time to readjust, it’s better to live 5 years of life as your independent, fulfilled self than to stick around for less time in a toxic marriage.
People who live moment by moment, day by day, know they can start over at any time. They understand that things change, plans shift, and relationships evolve, so they appreciate the days they have and make changes when they have to.
2. ‘I’m staying for the kids’
christinarosepix | Shutterstock
According to psychotherapist and marriage counselor Mel Schwartz, children lead their own lives in the light of their parents — their relationships, choices, and mindsets are a model for them to follow into adulthood. So, if people are using “I’m staying for the kids” as an excuse for staying in a loveless marriage, they’re doing more harm than good.
Of course, divorces can be scary and difficult for kids, but watching them grow up and adopt similarly loveless, unaffectionate, and rigid marriages is even more so. Give them — and yourself — a chance to witness true, real, accepting love.
3. ‘I’d rather be unhappy than alone’
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
Many people who aren’t leaving their loveless marriages fear being alone. Whether it’s a reliance on external validation, personal low self-esteem, or a financial fear of being left without a partner, people who stay in loveless marriages usually tell themselves these lies.
If you can’t be alone in the first place, a marriage is probably not the place for you. A healthy relationship requires elements of solitude, personal identity, and empowerment. If you aren’t confident that you could live a happy life alone, chances are you’re clinging onto the relationship in a blinding and unhelpful way.
4. ‘It’s not that bad’
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
Minimizing their own feelings and invalidating their own struggles, people who stay in loveless marriages usually tell themselves lies like “it’s not that bad.” To avoid the discomfort that comes with being honest with themselves and walking away, they try to convince themselves that “it could be worse” elsewhere.
If you have to convince yourself that a relationship is tolerable, it’s not for you.
5. ‘I don’t deserve better’
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock
Just like your career, home, or material things don’t define who you are, your relationships don’t have to either. Of course, the people you surround yourself with play a role in your general well-being and life satisfaction, but they don’t have to define who you are. So, if you’ve interwoven your relationship’s health with your self-esteem or even sought out validation from your partner to the point of personal insecurity, chances are you’re telling yourself this lie.
Of course, if you’re not compassionate toward yourself or comfortable in your own skin, it’s going to be harder to leave and leverage resilience to navigate a breakup. But there’s always room for growth, even if it means walking away from a decades-long relationship that only adds more stress, anxiety, and chaos to your life now.
6. ‘I don’t even know who I am without them’
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
If you’ve lost your friends, aren’t connected with your family, and have experienced a shift in personal identity being in a long-term relationship, chances are leaving is incredibly scary — you feel like you don’t even know who you are. But there’s a difference between “not knowing” and being unable to see yourself. You just need the space to reconnect with yourself and pull your identity back out.
That’s why personal space and time in a healthy relationship is so important — each partner should feel empowered to keep and maintain their own personal identity, not just for the benefit of the relationship, but for their own well-being. “We-ness” and closeness are also important, but people who stay in loveless marriages probably haven’t found the right balance.
7. ‘I’m the problem’
Pixel-Shot | Shutterstock
According to sociology professor Deborah J. Cohan, it’s sometimes difficult to realize that you’re being manipulated by a partner, even in a long-term relationship or marriage. Gaslighting techniques that spark self-doubt in others and subtly narcissistic manipulative tactics are sometimes subtle, making people feel like they’re “the problem,” even when they’re the victim.
People who stay in loveless marriages usually tell themselves these lies, not because they truthfully are the “problem,” but because they’ve been isolated away from support and manipulated to believe they can’t find anyone better.
8. ‘It’s worth fighting for’
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
So many people, especially women with the burdens of emotional labor, have been conditioned into thinking that relationships are always supposed to feel like “work.” They’re something you have to fight for, grapple with, and push through all the time, even at the expense of their own well-being.
Of course, it takes a bit of discomfort at times and personal growth to navigate a healthy marriage, but if you feel consistently worse, unsupported, and manipulated, that’s not healthy work in favor of the relationship, that’s a burden.
Like a 2023 study suggests, growing up as the “parentified” child may also influence a person’s desire to stay in a loveless marriage — they’re simply trying to “protect the peace” at home and probably don’t have a healthy model relationship to look to for motivation to leave.
9. ‘We’re so compatible’
Photoroyalty | Shutterstock
Many people mistake “chemistry” for compatibility in their marriages, living in a state of constant anxiety, desire, and lust, rather than safety and security with their partners. That’s why people who stay in loveless marriages usually tell themselves these lies — things like “we’re so compatible,” even when one person is consistently overlooking their own needs or making compromises for their personal values.
Relationships should be multifaceted, especially long-term ones you’re actively making a choice to commit to. Of course, they need an element of intimacy at times, but in the long run, it’s true compatibility — the alignment of lifestyles, values, and beliefs — that matters the most.
10. ‘Things can be so good’
Rawpixel.com | Shutterstock
Of course, many people get hooked on the “ups” and “downs” of a relationship. Even when things are horrible and cruel, they cling to the happy times. But a healthy marriage should never give its partners whiplash — there should be a continuity to the way they love, communicate, and support each other.
So, it’s no surprise that people who stay in loveless marriages, usually placated by conflict and disconnection, cope by clinging to the happy moments. They’re too afraid to leave, so they tell themselves the lie that it’s worth staying for a few moments of joy every once in a while.
11. ‘We’ll get through it’
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
Rough patches in a relationship — whether they’re a few weeks or a full year — are natural and normal. People are constantly evolving, so it’s no surprise that their relationships also do. However, it takes work, commitment, and change to come out better on the other side.
So, if you feel stuck without movement in an endless “rough patch,” with a partner who’s not willing to change their behavior, do the work, or communicate to find a healthy balance, “we’ll get through it” is probably one of the lies you’re telling yourself to stay in a loveless, unfulfilled marriage.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
