People Who Are About To Quit Their Marriages Usually Say These 11 Things Beforehand
Before people reach their breaking point, they will usually express their frustration in subtle ways.
A Stock Studio / Shutterstock Even when they understand the toxicity of their relationship and feel unsupported by their partners, many people still stay in toxic relationships for several reasons, according to psychologist Roxy Zarrabi. From fears of being alone to frustrations with wasted time, it’s not uncommon for people to hold out hope that their marriages will shift for the better, even if both partners aren’t committed to fixing it.
However, there’s often a turning point. From questions like “Why do I put up with this?” or phrases like “I feel like I’m the only person who cares,” people who are about to quit their marriages usually say these things beforehand. If you notice these phrases, chances are a separation is inevitable, unless there’s a major change in effort, communication, support, and commitment.
People who are about to quit their marriages usually say these 11 things beforehand
1. ‘I feel like I’m the only one who cares’
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Unbalanced relationships and one-sided marriages are incredibly unhealthy. Even if one partner is “protecting” their ego and comfort by avoiding vulnerability or being generally low effort, their spouse is set up to grow burnt out, emotionally exhausted, and resentful.
Even the healthiest, most regulated, and consistent partner can’t make up for an unbalanced relationship dynamic, at least in ways that protect their own well-being. Whether it’s a question like “Why am I the only one putting in effort?” or a phrase like “I feel like I’m the only one who cares,” people who are about to quit their marriages usually say these things beforehand.
2. ‘You never listen to me’
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According to a study published in the BMC Women’s Health journal, couples who have better communication and active listening skills not only experience less marital boredom but also boast better personal life and relationship satisfaction. So, if you’re going home to a partner who doesn’t care about your day, doesn’t ask questions, or make space for healthy conflict, chances are a phrase like “you never listen to me” is a sign of an impending separation.
Without healthy communication in a marriage, it’s not just intimacy that worsens, but also conflict, planning for the future, expressing emotions, and being vulnerable.
3. ‘I’m staying for the kids’
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While thinking about divorcing a partner can be uncomfortable, which is why many people rely on phrases like “I’m staying for the kids” to make excuses, sticking around for the sake of the kids only sets them up for failure. Children learn how to navigate and build healthy adult relationships of their own from their parents, so if you’re not being affectionate, supporting one another, or showing them how to be truly in love, you’re doing them a disservice.
A truly healthy and self-aware parent will ultimately realize that, when “sticking around for the kids” inevitably turns into public arguments in front of their children, and forcing them to people-please for the sake of protecting the peace at home.
4. ‘I feel like we’re just roommates’
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It’s natural for many partners to feel like “roommates” in their marriage at some points in their lives, like when they first move in together or are going through a rough patch, according to psychologist Silvana Mici. However, when these periods last for a long time or feel stagnant, that could be a sign that a relationship is becoming toxic and disconnected.
Partners who use phrases like this often lack the affection, communication, and intimacy of truly healthy marriage situations. They feel like they’re simply living their life alongside another person, rather than moving through their lives with a true partner.
It’s things like physical intimacy, according to relationship coach Christiana Njoku, that may fade slowly and subtly, but ultimately lead partners toward this place of resentment, disconnection, and isolation.
5. ‘I’m happier when they’re not around’
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Many people who are about to quit their marriages use phrases like “I’m happier when they’re not around” to justify their mood and lifestyle. However, thinking about happiness in terms of singlehood versus marriage can be misguided, according to a study from the University of Chicago. Some unhappily married people are just as unhappy when they get a divorce as they are in their relationships.
This is largely due to a lack of individuality and personal identity. If you leave a marriage where you don’t have space to be yourself, you may leave feeling like you have no idea who you are.
So, if you’re unhappy in a relationship, start by looking inward. You may be happier when they’re not around, but how do you spend your time? How do you take care of yourself? Is there something you need to change about yourself before you’re about to clean your hands of a relationship for good?
6. ‘I fantasize about being single’
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It’s not uncommon for people to consider leaving relationships and to even fantasize about divorce. In fact, research shows that one in five married women has had those thoughts in the past year alone. So, if you’re thinking about what it’d be like to be single or to leave a spouse, it’s not necessarily a sign that you’re with the wrong person. It’s a natural thought spiral.
However, if you’re constantly fantasizing about singlehood or a partner who supports your basic needs, there’s a chance you’re dealing with a partner who’s unwilling to change. If you’ve expressed concerns, set boundaries, and tried to fix a broken marriage, and nothing has changed, this phrase could be a sign that leaving the relationship is the next step for resolution.
It’s not an easy or uncomfortable decision to make. Still, if you’re consistently unhappy, unsupported, and unloved, nothing could be more disappointing than that, even if it’s difficult and uncertain at first.
7. ‘I don’t think they’d notice if I left’
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When partners become so disconnected that they use phrases like “I don’t think they’d notice if I left,” it’s clear that their relationship has been struggling under a pattern of disconnected and disengaged behaviors. Whether it’s avoiding conflict, spending more time at work or with friends, or refusing to support each other’s emotions, partners who fantasize about leaving their marriages often feel like they’re already lonely and alone.
When a partner feels alone, it’s almost always because the other one is emotionally checked out and unavailable. They’re unwilling to have conversations, spark affection or physical intimacy, or lean into discomfort to resolve conflict.
A healthy relationship isn’t always going to be easy. To reconnect and fix a marriage, both partners have to be willing to accept that fact and lean into the discomfort to find each other again.
8. ‘I want peace, but I can’t find it here’
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A study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology argues that partners who have a “safe space” at home with their partner, they feel safe to express emotions, concerns, and feelings without judgment, often have a greater sense of relationship satisfaction and comfort in their everyday lives.
However, when a partner starts to feel like their partner isn’t a safe space for these things, using phrases like “I want peace, but I can’t find it here” to describe their feelings, that could be a sign that they’re about to quit their marriage.
It’s possible to reconnect and fix a broken relationship, no matter what’s happened, but it takes both partners’ willingness to change, approach discomfort, and commit.
9. ‘I’ve stopped caring about fixing things'
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Relationships take work, both in the good moments and in the rough patches, which is why a phrase like “I’ve stopped caring” or “I’ve stopped trying” can be red flags that a separation is imminent. The moment partners stop putting effort, leaning into hard conversations, and pushing themselves through discomfort for the sake of supporting one another, that’s when their relationship turns for the worse.
As a study published in the Journal of Family Theory & Review explains, commitment is the heart of a healthy marriage. If you have communication skills, conflict-resolution plans, and affection, that’s great. But without the commitment to a relationship and the effort it takes to use them, you’ll feel more disconnected and resentful.
10. ‘I get more support than friends than my partner’
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It’s possible for partners to emotionally support and love each other, even through the rough patches, arguments stemming from opposing opinions, and conflict. It often takes a level of commitment, effort, discomfort, and emotional regulation to practice and do well, but it’s possible, and the key to maintaining a long-term relationship.
However, when a partner feels like they can’t express concerns without being shut down or feels pressured to avoid conflict, they’re letting issues get swept under the rug, the perfect concoction for resentment and frustration. They turn to friends and family for the support they need, even at the expense of their relationship health.
As psychotherapist Douglas LaBier explains, positive and healthy marriages take two things to thrive: the willingness to offer support to a partner in hard times and the ability to receive it without avoidance or judgment from a spouse.
11. ‘I’m done begging for affection’
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The more affection partners receive and accept from their spouses, the healthier their relationship tends to be and the greater their quality of life becomes. However, when one partner withdraws from affectionate behaviors and the other feels forced to seek it out, it can easily spark resentful feelings and strong disconnection.
People who are about to quit their marriages usually say things like “I’m done begging for affection” beforehand, because they’re too emotionally exhausted seeking out validation and affection from the people who are supposed to provide it unconditionally.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
