If Compliments Make You Uncomfortable, You Likely Have These 11 Issues
If you never know what to say when someone says something nice about you, you're not alone.
bodnar.photo | Shutterstock Even the most simplest of compliments can sometimes throw a person completely off. It could be someone telling them "You look nice today," or "You smell really nice. What perfume are you wearing?" and suddenly, that person clams up and starts to get a bit nervous. Or, they completely brush the compliment off with some kind of self-deprecating comment. If you find yourself doing something like that, you may not think it's that big of a deal. It's not that you necessarily struggle with wanting to feel appreciated, but sometimes praise can just make you feel a bit uncomfortable rather than validating.
For people that struggle with accepting compliments, it's not that their modest or have really big egos, but rather a bunch of reasons stacked up that all come down to how they see themselves. Being seen also isn't always easy. Instead of being able to soak in someone noticing your smile, the sound of your laugh, or the really nice outfits that you're always wearing out in public, it can feel safer to just deflect instead of giving in to the fact that you're being perceived. But, being uncomfortable with compliments doesn't mean you're ungrateful, it just means that your brain just doesn't know what to do with it.
If compliments make you uncomfortable you likely have these 11 issues:
1. You struggle with self-worth
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If compliments make you uncomfortable, it might have a lot to do with your own self-worth. You might walk around thinking that you're not good enough and so when someone pays you a compliment, you might just find it hard to believe that you're actually being appreciated. So, you brush off the praise or just downplay your achievements altogether because you just think there's no way that someone thinks you're capable or even beautiful.
"We’re more likely to let the negatives influence our future behavior. They stick to us like glue. We’ll never forget the time our teacher said we were stupid or that cute high school boy said we were ugly, yet we ignore the dozens of things the people who know and love us see and say about how beautiful and intelligent we are," explained clinical psychologist Dr. Christina Hibbert.
But, that's why it's important to work on your self-worth, which is much easier said than done. However, it truly starts with being able to shake off those negative thoughts and actively tell yourself that you're not giving in to the self-deprecating ways that you talk to yourself. It's about accepting that you are enough, and rebuilding that confidence in yourself so when someone pays you a compliment, you know it's true.
2. You grew up around constant criticism
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If you're someone that grew up in an environment where you were constantly being criticized, it makes sense that compliments make you feel uneasy. Your parents or guardians probably taught you early on that getting any sort of love and approval came with conditions and strings attached. You might've only gotten attention when you did something they deemed "impressive," or you were constantly nitpicked in a way that was disguised as wanting to help you improve.
"When someone says something nice to you, you find a way to deflect it—often with (surprise) self-criticism. If they say they like your new shirt, for example, you say that it’s not the best color for you. In one way or another, you neutralize any positivity directed at you," says licensed psychologist Seth J. Gillihan.
Either way, that level of criticism becomes something you're more than accustomed to. So, when someone is actually saying something genuinely nice to you, you're holding your breath and waiting for the familiar "but," that usually follows. Learning to accept compliments after that kind of upbringing truly does just take time. It's about being able to tell your brain that hearing positive things about yourself doesn't have to come with some kind of backhanded comment later on.
3. You assume people are just being polite
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Sometimes it can be hard to receive a compliment from someone and just actually believe them. Maybe you're used to people who fake niceness just to smooth things over, or you've dealt with people that seemingly only compliment you one minute and then turn around just to criticize you the next. When you've had these experiences, it can be hard to just believe someone when they say something nice to you.
When you're someone that just automatically doubts the sincerity behind someone's compliment, you're not allowing yourself to actually bask in the warmth of hearing someone say something genuine. Compliments are only meant to affirm things that you already know about yourself. But just because that happens sometimes where someone might be just faking to be polite for the sake of it, doesn't mean that's true for everyone else's words. When someone is looking you in the eye and saying a compliment, there's a good chance they mean every single word.
4. You feel like you owe them something now
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The second that someone says something kind about you, you suddenly feel that you owe them something in return. It's not that you have trouble appreciating the words they're saying, but that it just ends up creating this weird sense of imbalance that you need to do something for them in return. So, rather than actually feeling flattered, you just end up not wanting to hear compliments at all. It can be a hard mindset to shake too. If you've spent the majority of your life being as cautious as you are around hearing praise, it might be because of the fact that you were once burned in the past.
Whether it was from your parents while you were growing up, or from a partner that you were with for a long time. Either way, you might start associating that kindness with manipulation, and think that people are only saying nice things to you just to get something in return. But for the most part, that's really not the case. Someone genuine will only pay you a compliment when they want to express their appreciation, not because they're looking for something in return.
5. You have imposter syndrome
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When someone is giving you a compliment, rather than feeling proud about it, you have a hard time thinking it's real. Compliments don't land as something encouraging, but rather you feel pressure from them instead. Imposter syndrome can usually be traced back to feeling uncomfortable around compliments because you believe that any success or likability that you have is purely accidental. You think you're someone that just got lucky rather than being able to acknowledge that you're talented and have worked hard for whatever accomplishments you've earned.
"There’s an ongoing fear that’s usually experienced by high-achieving individuals that they’re going to be ‘found out’ or unmasked as being incompetent or unable to replicate past successes," explained Audrey Ervin, PhD, a clinical psychologist.
So, when someone notices and even points out that you're intelligent and dedicated, it clashes with the internal monologue that you're always spewing about how you're not real. You don't feel like you've actually earned that praise, so your brain has difficulty being able to actually accept it. But the truth is, what others see in you is never fake. If you're where you are in life, it's most likely because of the resilience that you have, not just because of pure luck.
6. You're uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability
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Accepting a compliment might be hard for you if you're someone that can't seem to fathom being vulnerable enough to allow someone to see things about you and your personality. People who struggle with vulnerability are so used to keeping their feelings close to their chest, so to them, letting someone actually compliment them can strike an instinct in them to just brush it off or redirect the attention entirely.
"A key part of enhancing self-acceptance and genuine confidence, building relationships, and strengthening quality of life is allowing ourselves to be seen by ourselves and others," encouraged clinical psychologist Jennifer Caspari.
The discomfort comes from this innate fear of maybe opening yourself up because you might fear being judged or criticized. Hearing a compliment might be a bit triggering because you're wondering if someone can see the good in you, then they must be able to see the bad too. Being able to actually accept a compliment when you're so scared of being emotionally vulnerable means accepting a kind comment about you without wanting to hide behind deflection.
7. You hate being the center of attention
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You might struggle with having the spotlight on you, which is why you tend to shy away from compliments. When someone is saying something genuine about you, you feel a bit exposed because you might be so used to just blending in with the crowd. It doesn't help if you were someone that grew up in spaces where standing out wasn't something that was encouraged.
You might want to be appreciated, but you're conditioned to just fear the attention that comes with, making you seem a bit awkward when someone is trying to pay you a good word. You've simply trained yourself with immediately making a joke or turning the compliment back on the other person as a way to continue to shrink yourself down.
8. You don't trust that compliments last
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If compliments make you uncomfortable, it might be because you're so used to them only being temporary. You might've had repeated experiences in your life where the positive moments were short-lived. Maybe you had to deal with someone praising you once and then completely flipping the script later on, or getting any kind of recognition was incredibly sporadic.
Even if someone now is genuinely wanting to appreciate you, your first thought is that they might not feel the same way tomorrow or the day after that. You're so used to compliments being snatched away from you in the blink of an eye that you actually can't enjoy them when they're given.
9. You've never practiced receiving
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Most people spend a lot of their time giving out compliments to others that the thought of actually taking on it themselves can be quite hard to wrap their heads around. You might be someone who enjoys telling other people how amazing they are, but you can't seem to handle when the same is paid to you. Your default mode is just giving and then deflecting because that might just be what you know.
"The causes are complicated but the path to accepting compliments is simpler. It’s a three step process. First, believe what people tell you. If you’re still having a hard time taking the compliment, double check. And if it’s still hard to accept then you’ll have to check yourself," says psychotherapist Myron Nelson.
Receiving, especially in the form of any kind of praise, requires you to allow someone else's kind words to land without immediately batting them away. It's about teaching yourself that you can trust people's words when they're genuine, and that you don't have to do any backflips just to be worthy of appreciation.
10. You've spent your life being compared to others
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Comparison is considered the thief of joy, and that rings true for people who have been subjected to hearing how they measure up to others throughout their life. If that's the case, then you're probably someone that really struggles with being able to accept compliments of any form. It might've started when you were growing up, and your parents made it hard for you to view yourself as independent of your siblings.
So now as an adult, when someone offers you a compliment, it can feel undeserving almost. When you're constantly being measured against someone else, it can be hard to view praise as something authentic. You start questioning the motive and immediately become defensive as a way to prevent some kind of disappointment later on.
Psychiatrist Dimitrios Tsatiris explained, "Letting go of old habits is hard, especially when they are widely prevalent in society. Give yourself grace when you fall for the trap of social comparisons, and continue to shift your focus toward what matters most—being present with yourself and your loved ones."
11. You're simply not used to kindness
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It could be something as simple as that. Whether you were someone who grew up in a tumultuous environment where praise was non-existent, or you've spent a lot of your life in relationships with people who never made you feel appreciated, it can be hard to find genuine compliments from people who actually mean what they say. Being on the receiving end of kindness when you've spent a lot of your life not getting it can feel disorienting.
If you're not accustomed to experiencing that, your first reaction will be awkwardness or discomfort. It's easy just to deflect, laugh them off, or not even hear them when they say certain things. It just feels incredibly foreign, even when the compliment is sincere and coming from someone who genuinely wants to appreciate you.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
