11 Behaviors That Seem Nice But Are Actually Signs Of A Deeply Unhappy Husband
Unhappy husbands may struggle to communicate effectively when they don't feel secure in their relationships.
Dean Drobot / Shutterstock In relationships, things are rarely what they seem on the surface. For example, someone who acts perfectly fine may actually be extremely unhappy. This is true for anyone and everyone, including husbands. Some of their behaviors may seem nice, while they are actually signs of a deeply unhappy husband who is just trying to make it through each day.
In Dana Adam Shapiro’s book "You Can Be Right (Or You Can Be Married)," he reported that only about 17% of couples feel happy with their partner. That’s a startling statistic, especially when so many people try to paint such a rosy picture of marriage. Unfortunately, that picture is often not the reality. No matter how content they may seem, some spouses are just unhappy.
Here are 11 behaviors that seem nice but are actually signs of a deeply unhappy husband
1. Constant joking
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Humor is important in any relationship, but it can go too far, and not just when it means getting laughs at someone else’s expense. If a husband literally has an inability to be serious, or can be serious but chooses not to be, it could be a sign that he’s not comfortable with any deeper communication. Instead, he keeps everything surface-level and as upbeat as possible, deliberately ignoring any deeper issues.
Unfortunately for people dealing with this, it’s the deeper conversations that are really the meat of a relationship. Psychotherapist Michelle P. Maidenberg, PhD, said, “Deeper communication involves going beyond surface-level interactions and engaging in conversations that foster trust, understanding, and connection in all relationships. It’s about being present, listening actively, and sharing authentically. The objective is always to learn about and understand the other person in a deeper, more meaningful way.”
If someone wants to understand and know their spouse on a deeper level, which is kind of the whole point of marriage, it’s absolutely necessary to make deep communication a regular thing in their relationship. Anything more shallow just won’t work. If a husband is always joking, it may seem nice to be around someone so funny, but it’s really stunting the communication in the relationship. That’s not a good thing.
2. Always being too busy
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In the fast-paced world we live in, where productivity is often prioritized over everything else, everyone is busy. They have jobs, social lives, families, and life admin tasks to keep up with. Still, in the midst of all of this chaos, most people can find time to have some sort of balance in their lives and still make time for the people who matter most. If a husband is always too busy with something, whether it’s work or other obligations, it could be a sign that he’s pulling away and trying to avoid spending quality time with his spouse.
Clinical psychologist and marriage counselor Randi Gunther, PhD, recommended looking at relationships just like you would any other “investment” you make. “Compare that to any other investment — your career, your garden, your friendships, your physical and emotional health or your financial commitments,” she said. “To continue to prosper, they require time, energy, interest and continuous involvement. If you left any of those to maintain their productivity without those commitments, they would stop giving you a return on your initial interest.”
If a husband doesn’t slow down and take the time to nurture his relationship, his marriage is almost certainly doomed. Just like anything else in life that requires time and effort, relationships require involvement from the people who are in them. By saying he’s too busy in an effort to avoid any real responsibility in his marriage, a husband is making it clear where his priorities lie. It’s a sure sign that he’s unhappy.
3. Being perpetually calm
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A calm husband sounds like a good thing, right? Who doesn’t want a level-headed spouse who doesn’t let his temper get the best of him? The problem is that arguing isn’t just normal. It’s a part of any healthy relationship. If a husband is avoiding that at all costs and remaining as calm as possible, it’s an indicator that he is trying to stay away from confrontation. Staying so calm doesn’t just mean there’s a lack of arguments, but it also goes the other way, too, and means there’s a lack of excitement. Everything is a little too even-keeled.
Health and wellness writer Elizabeth Plumptre explained, “While it might sound counterintuitive, fighting in love can actually be a good thing for your relationship. When you learn how to argue effectively and respectfully, it can be a way for you to learn more about each other, maintain your boundaries and resolve issues that might affect the long-term health of your relationship.”
A husband who has totally checked out and refuses to argue or to celebrate with his spouse is demonstrating that he just doesn’t really care anymore. He’s unhappy, and he’s not willing to fight to change things, literally. He’s accepted where the relationship is at, and he wants to keep it that way. There’s no interest in growth at all.
4. Helping out more than normal
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Most people would probably say that they wish their spouse would do more to help them out, but if a husband is helping more than what would be considered normal for him, it may be a sign of something darker than just wanting to lend a hand. Instead, it may mean that he’s trying to do whatever it takes to feel appreciated. Rather than just communicating this issue to his spouse, he tries to take matters into his own hands.
Medical writer Jenna Fletcher confirmed that it’s best to have a conversation about how you’re feeling if you perceive that you’re unappreciated in your relationship. “You may find discussing what you need or how you feel unappreciated may help the other person realize that your needs are not being met,” she stated. “Talking with them about it may help them realize what types of positive changes they can make and may also allow them to speak to you about ways that you can make them feel more appreciated as well.”
Helping out more than usual is a sign that a husband is unhappy because he’s seeking that praise and admiration through his actions. This means he doesn’t know that those things inherently exist because of who he is and the nature of his relationship. He’s fishing for appreciation, but he shouldn’t have to. It’s better to talk about this issue openly than to sweep it under the rug.
5. Agreeing with whatever his wife says
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It may sound like a dream come true to have a husband who always agrees with you, but it may actually be a sign that he is deeply unhappy. We are all independent thinkers with our own opinions, and not feeling comfortable sharing those in your closest relationship is a red flag. Your marriage should be the one place you feel safe enough to say anything that’s on your mind, and if it’s not, there’s a problem.
As psychologist Mark Travers, PhD, said, “There are definitely moments when certain thoughts, opinions or observations are better left unsaid to avoid unnecessary pain or conflict. But when it comes to a romantic relationship, bottling up certain uncomfortable thoughts can do more harm than good. In fact, there are some things that, while difficult to express, should always be spoken about openly.”
Agreeableness is an admirable trait to have, but it shouldn’t dictate everything someone does. Sometimes you’ll have to work through something uncomfortable or deal with a disagreement if you’re married, and that’s completely normal. No one should feel like they can’t bring something up, and they simply have to agree and go with the flow instead.
6. Encouraging his wife to spend time alone
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Most spouses would probably jump at the chance to spend some time away from their family, whether that means taking a trip with friends, having a girls' night, or even going to visit their mom. If your husband is telling you to do that, then it’s even better. You have his blessing to do whatever you want. The only problem is that he may be encouraging you to do things that don’t involve him because he’s not invested or losing interest in the relationship.
That’s not to say that spending time apart from each other is bad, because it’s not. As social psychologist Alice Boyes, PhD, said, “When couples are temporarily apart, both the person who is away and the one left at home can experience growth.” She noted that this can occur when a time of separation is deliberate in an attempt to work on the relationship, or when it’s forced, like when one partner has a business trip that takes them away from home.
You don’t have to spend all of your time together if you're married. It’s healthy to actually do the opposite. But if you feel like your husband is pushing you to spend a lot of time without him, it could mean he’s simply not interested in spending time with you. He’s checking out of the relationship and really has one foot out the door as it is. He is deeply unhappy and just trying to get by.
7. Always letting his wife have her way
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Again, it may sound like a great thing to always get to do what you want and prevail in any argument, but that’s not always the case. A husband who always lets his spouse get their way may just feel like it’s not worth it to speak up anymore. Maybe he feels like he isn’t heard, or he’s just slowly pulling away from the relationship. Whatever the reason, he’s given up on fighting for his perspective to be seen and lets whatever happens happen.
This goes back to the concept of arguing actually benefiting relationships. Physician Dr. Bruce Y. Lee, MD, noted, “Arguments can be an important way to communicate. When done constructively, arguing can help you better understand each other and any issues that may be coming between you. It can provide a release valve for pent-up frustrations. It can help reveal problems to which you can design and implement solutions. As a result, it can actually help both parties grow and even greatly strengthen the relationship.”
If a husband feels like it’s not worth it to argue, then he’s probably completely checking out of the relationship. Instead of stepping in and voicing his opinion, he’s just letting things go and doing whatever his spouse wants. While we may all have to do this from time to time to keep the peace in our relationships, making it a constant thing isn’t normal. It’s actually a sign that someone is deeply unhappy.
8. Giving over-the-top gifts
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Who doesn’t love a good gift, especially when it’s lavish and you really shouldn’t accept it, but you’re absolutely going to anyway? On the surface, a husband giving his spouse nice gifts seems like a sweet thing to do, but it could be masking some more complicated emotions. Perhaps he’s feeling like he’s not doing enough in the marriage and trying to make up for it, or maybe he’s doing whatever he can to cling to his spouse when the waters are getting rocky.
Unfortunately, focusing on material things isn’t the best way to save a relationship that is floundering. According to psychologist and relationship specialist Zofia Czajkowska, PhD, “Being open and honest about one’s thoughts and intentions about the relationship itself and the future can restore — or newly create — a sense of safety.”
It may seem nice to smooth things over with a good gift, but it’s better for a husband to be honest than to just hand over an over-the-top gift. Security comes from honesty, so instead of buying a gift, a happy husband would dig deep and talk about how he’s really feeling. If he doesn’t, he’s most likely unhappy.
9. Focusing all of his energy on the kids
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Yet another habit that seems great. Good dads are hard to find, and seeing a husband spend time with his kids can feel heart-warming. But what’s the real cost? If a husband and father focuses all of his energy on his kids, he doesn’t have anything left for his spouse. This could mean that he doesn’t feel as close to his spouse as he once did, so he’s beginning to pull away, or perhaps he just doesn’t feel comfortable and secure in that relationship anymore, so he’d rather go where he does feel appreciated and loved — with his kids.
Writer Amber Doty shared that she has made the decision to prioritize her husband ahead of her kids, and she thinks it makes all of their relationships healthier.
“Prioritizing my husband’s needs decreases our chances of getting divorced; it also increases the probability that our children will remain in a two-parent home,” she said. “In my opinion, my husband and I are the first examples of what being in a happy marriage is like. Our kids learn how they should treat their future significant others (and what they should expect in return) by watching us.”
It’s important to be a good parent and take care of your kids with a strong dose of love. But when you’re married, you have to put your relationship first if you want to be successful. If a husband is pulling away from his spouse and trying to latch onto his kids instead, it could be a sign that he’s just not happy in his marriage and is trying to distract himself from that.
10. Letting his wife make all the decisions
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It seems considerate of a husband to let his spouse make decisions for the couple, but that’s not really how marriage works. It’s supposed to be two people working together to make their relationship work. This means give and take and compromise on both sides. If a husband is letting his spouse make all of the decisions, then it’s almost akin to him having given up on the relationship. He’s just going with the flow to get through the day-to-day.
Just like you can quiet-quit your job, you can do the same in your relationship. Clinical psychologist Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, explained, “Quiet quitting is when someone stops putting effort and energy into the relationship.” Licensed marriage and family therapist Claudia de Llano added, “Quiet quitting feels like your partner has stopped investing their time, energy, money, emotions, and resources in the relationship.”
If a husband has stopped putting any effort into his marriage, there’s a good chance that he’s unhappy. It may seem nice for him to defer to his spouse, but it’s really just a sign of quiet quitting. He’s over the relationship, and he’s ready to move on. This doesn’t mean that it’s too late to save the marriage, but it will require some serious work to do so.
11. Apologizing too often
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A guy who’s willing to take responsibility for what he’s done wrong is always appreciated. However, it’s possible that a husband can apologize a little too much. In this case, he might feel like he is being blamed for problems in the relationship, or like he has to be extra careful around his spouse to avoid a blow-up. Neither of these is a good situation.
In a separate article, Plumptre explained, “Ideally, talking to your partner will be open and free of tension. After all, our partners are often our confidants and best friends, so very little is considered off-limits. Good communication is vital to any healthy relationship, but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. If you feel like you have to tread lightly in every interaction, it’s time to reassess the situation and figure out what to do about it.”
Feeling an excess of tension in your marriage isn’t healthy. You have to address it head-on if you have any hope of fixing the situation. Husbands who pick up on this tension and react to it by apologizing for every little thing, even when they didn’t do anything wrong, aren’t happy. They don’t feel safe in the relationship. Instead, everything just feels wrong.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
