11 Things People Say When They Really Don't Like You But Don't Want You To Know
They disguise their cruelty with disengagement and backhanded compliments.
Vovatol | Shutterstock Even for people living happy lives and investing time into broad social circles, there are almost always still people wishing for their downfall and subtly disliking them from afar in their daily interactions, according to a study from Cognition. Of course, these people are often operating from a place of insecurity and loneliness themselves, but at what point does their negativity and judgment start influencing our personal well-being and behaviors?
Like many other emotions, negativity can be contagious in social settings, which is why it's important to recognize when someone is a fake friend or doesn't like us all that much. Many of the things people say when they really don't like you but don't want you to know can be "red flags" that prompt you to walk away, create distance, or set a boundary to protect your energy.
Here are 11 things people say when they really don't like you but don't want you to know
1. 'That's interesting'
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When someone says "that's interesting" or "that's cool," but don't inquire more or ask any thoughtful questions, chances are they either don't like you, aren't listening, or aren't interested enough in what you have to say to keep the conversation going.
Usually in conjunction with closed off body language or a break in eye contact — like a study published in Computers in Human Behavior argues is the key in conversations for signaling interest and engagement — a phrase like this is usually a sign that someone doesn't really like you but doesn't want to tell you outright.
2. 'You're so confident!'
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Phrases like "you're so confident" in a condescending tone are usually backhanded compliments — the kind of language emotional manipulators use, according to psychology professor Joachim I. Krueger, to weaponize other people's insecurities and disguise their hurtful intentions.
Even if it sounds like a compliment or looks innocent on paper, there's usually some kind of hurtful intent behind their words that can encourage other people to withdraw from conversations and feel doubtful about their value to a social interaction.
3. 'Good for you!'
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According to therapist Loriann Oberlin, passive-aggressive language is often subtle, but holds a lot of power in sparking mistrust, resentment, and tension in relationships and social interactions. Even if the comments and phrases are relatively innocent sounding — things like "good for you!" and "that's interesting!" — they have hurtful and misleading intentions.
Many of the things people say when they don't really like you but don't want you to know are intended to hurt your feelings, but they're disguised just enough in everyday conversations that they don't have to take any kind of accountability for their words if they're called out.
4. 'You just have a strong personality'
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A phrase like "you just have a really strong personality" is one of the things people say when they really don't like you but don't want you to know, so they disguise their distaste with backhanded compliments and remarks.
While they might seem kind and like a compliment in the moment, if they hurt your feelings, they probably have misleading intentions. This is exactly the kind of comment that can spark unnecessary insecurity and is important to set boundaries around.
Like psychologist Bethany Juby argues, a boundary won't control what another person says or does, but it can protect you and send a message about the kind of behavior you're willing to tolerate in your social connections and relationships.
5. 'Maybe another time'
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If someone doesn't take the time to get your number, make plans with you in the moment, or follow up after a social interaction, chances are they're either incredibly busy — which is usually unlikely — or they're not interested in seeing you again.
Even if it's uncomfortable or sad, people's actions speak a lot louder than their words, so if their language is giving you hints that they don't really like you, their follow-up actions and behaviors will clarify.
6. 'I meant to reach out'
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If they wanted to, they would — that's how you cope with a comment like this. If someone is constantly using phrases like "I meant to reach out" or "I missed your text" over and over again, chances are they're just trying to protect their own comfort in a conversation, rather than just saying that they don't like you or want to hang out.
Most importantly, when considering "actions speak louder than words," consider the way both of those things make you feel. Like psychology researcher Shirli Kopelman suggests, the emotions that someone's words and actions spark in you are just as important to consider in interactions and conversations.
If someone says "I meant to reach out" or "Wow, that's interesting!" and it makes you feel self-conscious and sad, it might be time for you to address the elephant in the room — that they may not be all that interested in your well-being — and start setting some boundaries.
7. 'You're actually pretty smart'
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When people use the word "actually" in phrases like this, it's often one of the things they say when they don't really like you but don't want to tell you in a more direct manner. By disguising their distaste in a backhanded compliment like this, they can play the victim and avoid having to take responsibility for hurting your feelings if they're called out.
Like experts from Harvard Business School suggest, these backhanded compliments can sabotage social belonging, self-esteem, and personal relationships in every aspect of life, despite being relatively innocent and subtle on the surface.
8. 'I'm not avoiding you'
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According to a study from PLOS One, when we perceive other people to be ignoring us in everyday life, it often has more to do with our own internal insecurities and other people's passivity than actual intentional avoidance. They're likely not avoiding us — hence the phrase above — they just don't care enough about us to actually make conversation or seek out interactions with us.
So, even if it seems innocent and subtle, this is one of the things people say when they really don't like you but don't want you to know. They're not intentionally avoiding you, they're just opting out of conversations and feigning a general disinterest in connecting with you.
9. 'I wasn't listening'
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While there are certainly many reasons someone might get distracted in a conversation or stop listening to another person who's speaking, like a study from the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology suggests, it can also be a sign of disinterest and disengagement in someone who doesn't like you.
That's why "I wasn't listening" is one of the more obvious things people say when they really don't like you, but don't want you to know. Feeling heard is a powerful emotion that bonds people in relationships and conversations, but when it's overlooked by distracted people, backhanded compliments, and poor listening skills, it can be weaponized for the worst.
10. 'I'd be too embarrassed to do that'
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A phrase like this has little to do with a person's actual internal fears and insecurities and much more to do with their perceptions of you. Whether it's in response to a conversation, behavior, or opinion, they're finding a way to disguise their judgments and criticism toward you without any of the backlash.
Of course, regardless of whether or not the other person recognizes their judgmental attitude, it negatively affects their well-being, self-esteem, and mood nonetheless, like a study from Personality and Individual Differences explains.
11. 'You weren't supposed to hear that'
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A phrase like this can be weaponized in a number of ways for someone that doesn't really like you but doesn't want you to know. Whether it's saying a rude comment in a separate conversation just loud enough that you can hear, or having to confront being called out for gossip they spread behind your back, they'll do anything to justify their backhanded comments, rumors, and mean remarks.
Of course, this is a more obvious sign that you need to set boundaries with someone. What they say and do behind your back is none of your business — you can't control it — but you can control how you respond, react, and set boundaries moving forward to protect yourself.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
