Your Parents Did A Great Job Raising You If You Can Spot These 11 Red Flags Instantly
Is it your intuition or your parents' guidance?
Galina Zhigalova / Shutterstock The way our parents raise us holds a great deal of power over how we live our lives as adults. Having a negative relationship with your parents or seeing a toxic relationship modeled at home can negatively affect the quality of your relationships as an adult.
Of course, the opposite is true as well. There are a number of benefits to having a healthy upbringing when we grow up and form relationships later in life, from choosing a potential partner wisely to setting healthy boundaries and calling out toxic behavior when we see it. Your parents did a great job raising you if you can spot certain red flags instantly as you work toward living a satisfying and meaningful life.
Your parents did a great job raising you if you can spot these 11 red flags instantly
1. Love-bombing
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The people most likely to fall victim to love-bombing, a pattern of overly affectionate or romantic behaviors very early in a relationship, are the ones who struggled with unmet needs as children. They’ve spent their entire lives yearning for unconditional love and affection, so that when someone gives it to them, even if it’s too early in a relationship or subtly manipulative, they chase after it without reservation.
Your parents did a great job raising you if you can spot this red flag instantly, especially considering it’s a behavior most commonly associated with narcissists, according to clinical psychologist Lori Lawrenz, used to manipulate people into getting what they want.
2. White lies
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If you can offer up subtle white lies to a partner you’re supposed to be building trust with, what else can you lie about? While it is common for people to tell a couple of white lies each day, consistently being dishonest with a partner, even if it’s always about little things, can prompt feelings of isolation, loneliness, and relationship dissatisfaction.
So, if your parents taught you to be honest, even when it’s uncomfortable, chances are they did a great job setting you up for success in your relationships down the road.
3. Shifting blame
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Even if it’s something as simple as forgetting to do a chore, a partner who shifts blame and refuses to take accountability can be a huge red flag early in relationships. People who avoid accountability and project their negative feelings onto others tend to struggle with emotional regulation, a practice that’s essential to healthy communication, affection, and vulnerability in healthy relationships.
So, if you notice your partner refusing to take responsibility for the little things early on in a relationship, chances are they’re going to be even more uncomfortable adopting accountability when things get more tumultuous, like resolving conflict or planning for the future.
4. Inconsistency
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Consistency and reliability are some of the most important traits of a healthy relationship and partner, especially early on when you’re still building a foundation of trust together. If you can’t count on your partner to support you without question, keep their promises, or even show up on time, you’re lacking a huge structure of trust.
It’s one of the huge red flags that you’ll notice instantly in a relationship if your parents did a great job raising you. Whether they showed up for you consistently as a kid or modeled a truly healthy relationship at home, great parents don’t expect their kids to tolerate inconsistency and a constant state of anxiety around whether or not people will show up for them.
5. Being rude to people
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Whether it’s being rude to a service worker or making mean and petty comments about friends, one of the red flags you can spot instantly if you were raised right is rudeness. If someone can make petty jabs at someone they don’t know — picking apart their appearance, judging their character, or dismissing their emotions — what’s keeping them from weaponizing that behavior against you in the right circumstances?
Your parents did a great job raising you if you can spot this red flag instantly, especially if they made it a point to teach you empathy by leading with kindness and modeling generosity.
6. Making jokes in bad taste
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According to a study from the University of Montana, it’s possible to use humor to diffuse and de-escalate tense situations and even offer up jokes to bond people struggling with conflict, but it’s not always appropriate or in good taste. Like marriage and family therapist Phil Stark suggests, it’s not always “just a joke,” and if your partner is dismissing your hurt or invalidating your emotions after telling one, that’s a red flag.
It may be a way for them to disguise their passive-aggressiveness or struggles with vulnerability now, which can seem subtle and innocent early in a relationship, but down the road, this mentality will be key to putting your emotions and needs on the back burner.
7. Possessiveness
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According to psychologist Dr. Susan Pazak, there’s a difference between obsession or possessiveness and healthy love, even if it’s subtle at the beginning of a relationship. A healthy relationship feels comfortable and balanced right from the start. There’s little to no love-bombing, both partners are open and communicative, and there’s room to grow without complication.
A possessive partner will come into a relationship with all sorts of expectations and rules for the other to follow, even if they’re unrealistic and toxic. Even if it seems subtle, your parents did a great job raising you if you can spot these red flags instantly, likely because they modeled what truly healthy and balanced love looked like early in your life.
8. Words not matching actions
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Of course, open communication is essential to maintaining a healthy relationship. It’s even characterized as the “heart of a relationship,” according to a study published in the Frontiers in Psychology journal. However, words can only do so much if your partner isn’t matching that energy with healthy behaviors and actions.
For example, if you’ve consistently had conversations with a partner who’s adamant about remembering the little things, like getting you a gift for your birthday or remembering when to pick up the kids, but then never actually does, that can create disconnect and resentment quickly.
Even if it’s early in the relationship, your parents did a great job raising you if you can spot these red flags instantly and protect yourself from the consequences of resentment and hurt down the road.
9. Making excuses
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Partners who make excuses for their bad behavior breed relationships full of dishonesty, poor communication, and resentment. If they never make time to see you, never respond to your texts, or consistently forget about the little things, you deserve to feel upset and express concerns, without being guilted with a poor excuse.
It’s possible for a great partner to both emotionally support you, explain their situation, and still take accountability, even if they pretend like their defensiveness is always 100% justified.
10. Never asking questions
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Especially early on in dating or a relationship, active listening is crucial to forming a solid bond and getting to know each other on a deeper level. It’s a huge red flag if the person you’re seeing isn’t committed to this practice, whether they’re literally interrupting you in conversations, never asking you questions, or focusing entirely on themselves every time you talk.
If your parents offered emotional support to you, communicated openly, and gave you unconditional love and affection, chances are you can pick up on this red flag right away. You know what it feels like to be truly loved and appreciated, even if it only takes a few conversations to realize.
11. They don’t want to introduce you to anyone
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Whether it’s making an introduction to their family or meeting their friends, a partner who is fully and truly committed to you in a relationship will want to share the rest of their life with you, as well.
If you feel like they’re dodging opportunities to meet or keeping you separate from the rest of their life, that’s the last thing you deserve. Love should feel empowered and loud, even when you’re still getting to know each other, so tolerating being kept to the side and discarded is nothing short of a red flag.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
