7 Relationship Red Flags That Reveal A Deep Emotional Mismatch, According To Psychology
If these red flags surface, compatibility is a major issue.
Rachata Teyparsit | Shutterstock Unhealthy relationships seem to be growing more and more common — the types of relationships some people would call codependent. Research consistently shows that codependency is a hallmark of unhealthy relationships, characterized by an imbalance of power and a lack of individual autonomy.
Red flags in a relationship show up when you may not be expecting them, so it's important to pay attention. So, what is a healthy relationship, and what does love feel like when you're in one? A healthy relationship is about give-and-give, not give-and-take. It's not even 50/50, it's more like 100/100.
There is no part-time relationship — you're either in or you're out. But sometimes, our judgment gets clouded. We care about the person we're with, so we're willing to do everything for them. But a good sign of a solid relationship is if they're willing to do the same for you in return (without you asking for it). How do you know when you're in a healthy relationship vs. an unhealthy one? When is enough, enough?
Here are seven relationship red flags that reveal a deep emotional mismatch, according to psychology:
1. You feel happier when they're not around
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The one person you can't hide your feelings from is yourself. It's easy to convince those around us that we're happy with the situation we're in and with our partner.
Of course, no relationship is 100 percent perfect, but if you begin to feel happier when they're not around, this could be a sign of your true feelings coming to the surface. The only way to lead a happy, fulfilling life is to first be true to yourself, and what you want and need.
2. You're reading this article in the first place
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Even though it is difficult for us to sift through our own emotions at times, it is an integral part of a happy life and relationship. We are the only ones who truly know what we're feeling inside our own heart and mind, and if you find hesitancy like this poking through your consciousness, it's probably a red flag.
Reciprocity is key, and if you're questioning whether or not your partner is putting in their best effort, that's a significant relationship red flag.
Research has concluded that a healthy relationship requires both partners to initiate interactions, show affection, and work together to maintain the relationship. A partner who consistently fails to initiate or reciprocate these efforts can be a red flag.
3. You feel emotionally exhausted
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A healthy relationship should enhance your life, not complicate your life. You should feel energized by the other person's presence in your life. Inspired. Motivated. Excited.
If you are mentally and emotionally drained, you may be sacrificing your well-being for the sake of an unhealthy relationship.
4. You've lost sight of yourself
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Do you feel like more of a servant than a partner? If you are always working to make your partner happy but rarely or never see the effort reciprocated, it's very easy to lose sight of your wants and needs because you've become too caught up in theirs.
I'm all for being loving and giving at all stages of a relationship, but it's important to make sure that it goes both ways. This can manifest as one partner prioritizing their relationship's needs above their own, sacrificing their sense of self, and eventually feeling trapped or lost.
A 2021 study suggested that a mismatch can lead to feelings of disconnect, misunderstandings, and difficulty in resolving conflicts.
5. There are voids in the relationship
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Voids in things to do together, voids in physical intimacy, voids in conversation. If you are always the one who is suggesting activities, initiating physical contact, or taking care of things around the house, then you probably already realize that you're carrying the relationship and giving too much of yourself away.
Happy, healthy relationships consist of a team, and like any good team, each player has their strengths which fit together like puzzle pieces with the other players to create a strong partnership. If one player doesn't carry their weight, the team will lose.
6. You jumped into a commitment before the relationship was ready
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I've seen people dive headfirst into a relationship with someone, swear off dating anyone else right away, and end up hurt. They think that giving their entire being to the other person will make them return the sentiment and love. It doesn't. It needs to come naturally from both sides.
One study found that some individuals may be driven by a fear of being alone or abandoned, leading them to rush into relationships to fill a void. This lack of self-awareness about their own needs, desires, and limitations can prevent them from accurately assessing whether they are genuinely ready for a committed relationship.
7. You worry about losing them, so you keep trying harder
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If we begin to feel someone slowly slipping away from us, some of us may find it natural to try harder and to put more effort in to keep them around. Oftentimes, this does the exact opposite and pushes them away. That's the foundation of an unhealthy relationship and a major red flag.
This is where it's key for the relationship to have healthy communication. Taking guesses at what might "fix" a problem is simply a band-aid solution. If something is wrong, we need to have the maturity and discipline to discuss it, no matter how difficult it may be.
While relationships do often take work, they shouldn't feel like work. If your interactions with your partner are forced and don't feel natural or fulfilling, then this is an instinct that shouldn't be ignored.
Life is too short to waste your time on people who don't appreciate you. Value your time, your body, and most of all, your heart. Stop giving these things to people who don't deserve them. There will be someone who comes along and accepts you for you ... if you have the discipline to only accept the love you truly deserve.
James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach. He has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.
