Photo: Pixel-Shot, Antonio Guillem / Shutterstock.com; Canva
Disagreements over having kids are incredibly common, but this is not the way to handle it.
By John Sundholm — Written on Mar 14, 2023
There are many fundamental differences that can wreak havoc on a marriage, and chief among them are differing ideas about having children.
Some studies suggest that spouses not being on the same page about whether or not to have kids, or how many to have, may account for as many as 1 in 10 marriages ending in divorce—so-called "biological clock divorces."
A dad on Reddit has found himself embroiled in this sticky situation with his wife. But as he revealed in a post to the "r/relationship_advice" subReddit, his marital dilemma arose from truly shocking—and possibly even illegal—choices on his part.
A dad revealed that his wife is now pregnant with an unwanted child because he lied about getting a vasectomy.
His wife only wanted one child, but he always wanted five or more. They compromised by agreeing to have two or three.
After their second child, his wife decided she didn't want any more kids, and they ended up arguing about it for months. As discussed in the video below, this is very common in marriages, and can be an incredibly difficult hurdle to clear in a relationship.
In the end, the man and his wife agreed to just stick with their two kids, and decided upon a vasectomy as their preferred method of birth control. But the man still wanted more children, so he took matters into his own hands.
The man pretended to get a vasectomy and kept up the ruse for two entire years.
The man went to great lengths to spin his lie, having a friend pick him up for the appointment and even taking an entire week off work to "recover" from the supposed vasectomy procedure.
He began to "pull out" during sex with his wife—an often ineffective means of birth control sometimes called "the rhythm method"—and it worked for two years. Until, of course, it didn't—his wife is now pregnant, and is not only utterly mystified about how it could have happened but is distraught about the pregnancy because she doesn't want the baby.
The dad lied and said the vasectomy didn't work, and now his wife is considering filing a lawsuit against the clinic he said performed it.
The unwanted pregnancy is bad enough. But now the dad is so deep in his lie that his wife is "scheduling appointments with lawyers so she can sue the practice." Should his wife proceed with a lawsuit, his lie will of course be revealed.
His wife is also now considering an abortion because she is now pregnant against her will. Despite all this drama, the man is still sticking to his lie and trying to cajole his wife into having the baby. "I am trying to convince her to drop this whole thing," he writes, "and if anything this child is a miracle."
"Miracle" is a strange word to use for what is at bare minimum a wildly unethical breach of his wife's trust, and one that in some jurisdictions is even illegal.
What the dad did to his wife is called 'reproductive coercion,' a form of domestic abuse.
Reproductive coercion, sometimes called reproductive abuse, is considered a form of spousal abuse or intimate partner violence, and in some cases a form of sexual assault also known as "stealthing."
The women's health organization Planned Parenthood defines reproductive coercion as "behaviors that a partner uses to maintain power and control in a relationship that are related to reproductive health."
And the dad on Reddit's scheme to fake a vasectomy falls right in line with the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists', or ACOG's, definition of reproductive coercion, which includes "explicit attempts to impregnate a partner against her will, control outcomes of a pregnancy, coerce a partner to have unprotected sex, and interfere with contraceptive methods."
Many people are not aware that reproductive coercion even exists, because, much like the woman in the TikTok below, most of us tend to think of the notion of "trapping" a partner with a baby as something women do to men, not the other around.
But in actuality, this form of abuse is shockingly and tragically common, and is frequently correlated with physical violence. According to ACOG, studies have shown that as many as 66% of women who report physical violence at the hands of an intimate partner also report being victims of reproductive coercion.
Even in the absence of physical violence, reproductive coercion is staggeringly common. A 2022 poll conducted by BBC News found that 50% of all women aged 18-44 in general reported having experienced reproductive abuse.
RELATED: If He Exhibits These 9 Behaviors, He's Not Just Protective — He's Controlling
In some places, reproductive coercion is also a crime.
Reproductive coercion is also considered a form of sexual assault or rape in some cases, though definitions vary in the eyes of the law in many places.
In some US states, however, such as California, reproductive coercion has been added to the legal definition of domestic violence.
In 2021, California added reproductive coercion to the provisions of its Domestic Violence Prevention Act, the first state to do so. The act empowers California courts to issue protective orders against people who threaten, harass or "disturb the peace" of another individual.
Reproductive coercion, including "deliberately interfering with contraception use" like faking a vasectomy, is among the many acts included in California's definition of "disturbing the peace," and would be grounds for a protective order in California.
And that, in turn, would make the practice a crime—violation of a protective order is a misdemeanor crime in California punishable by a fine of up to $1,000, imprisonment in a county jail for up to a year, or both.
It goes without saying that there are other, better, non-abusive ways to address differing desires between partners when it comes to having more children than deceiving your wife into becoming pregnant against her will.
Here's hoping that this story prevents other men from doing this to their partners in the future.
If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic abuse, intimate partner violence, sexual assault or reproductive coercion, you are not alone and help is available.
Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE [7233], text "START" to 88788, or via online chat.
Or, contact the Rape And Incest National Network [RAINN] hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE [4673] or via online chat.
John Sundholm is a news and entertainment writer who covers pop culture, social justice and human interest topics.