Your Husband Probably Won't Say It, But He Definitely Wishes You'd Notice 11 Specific Things He Does
PeopleImages | Shutterstock Love is just one small part of what it takes to make a marriage last. Both partners need to be committed to doing their best and growing as people. While most husbands don't say it out loud, they wish their wives would notice when they're doing the work.
After a few years together, it's easy to fall into a cycle of feeling unappreciated. One of the best ways to combat this is to start noticing the work of the other and telling them how much you appreciate it. This can break a long cycle of resentment that benefits everyone in your family.
Your husband probably won't say it, but he definitely wishes you'd notice 11 specific things he does
1. His subtle romantic gestures
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Husbands wish their wives noticed the effort they put into being romantic. An impromptu trip to Paris might not be on their agenda, but husbands still try to make their wives feel special as often as they can. They care about the little things, like making the perfect cup of coffee every morning, so their wives start the day with a smile.
Great husbands quickly learn that romance is about being consistent instead of being dramatic. Their love for their wives is steady and ever-present, expressed every day in small ways. They might not bring her diamonds or a dozen roses, but they'll bring home a carton of her favorite flavor of ice cream. As quiet as their romantic gestures are, husbands still put their whole hearts into making their wives feel loved.
2. How much he wants to improve
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Wives who feel consistently frustrated tend not to notice how much their husbands want to be better versions of themselves. They can't change overnight, but husbands can commit to self-reflection and self-improvement. It's not easy for husbands to acknowledge that they need to change, but when they do, they want their wives to notice.
Psychologist Nick Wignall advises that couples with the highest success rates do one thing really well: they listen to each other, accept feedback, and put in the work to change.
If your husband is making strides to be a better man, he wants you to notice. He wants you to just see it and appreciate the fact that he's different from all the other men who are fine resting on their laurels and expecting everyone else to change for them.
3. How well he holds it together under immense pressure
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One of the things husbands wish their wives noticed about them more is how much pressure they're under to provide for their families. They take pride in being a provider, but they still feel stressed about how to manage it.
While husbands and wives are both responsible for finances these days in the majority of marriages, society puts a lot of pressure on men to measure their worth in how well they provide, financially. If something goes wrong, it's not just the financial strain that hurts, it's a blow to their entire sense of self.
Often, they keep their worries to themselves because they don't want their wives to be disappointed. They want to stay strong. Often, they wish their wives noticed the emotional weight they carry with this. Something as simple as, "I see how much pressure is on you as a provider, and I want to say thank you for how hard you work to meet that need."
4. The times he takes initiative at home
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More than anything else, marriage is about maintaining balance. In a healthy marriage, husbands and wives give and take in equal measure. Conflicts between couples often arise because one person feels like they put more into the relationship and home than their partner does. And taking initiative to keep the household running smoothly is something wives wish their husbands did more.
Similarly, husbands wish their wives noticed about their efforts more when they do
Researchers Jess Alberts and Angela Trethewey pointed out that "the division of household labor is one of the most frequent sources of conflict in romantic relationships," yet splitting chores evenly isn't enough to resolve the conflict. "It's not just the division of labor but the expression of gratitude that's key to a strong and lasting relationship," they discovered.
As important as it is for husbands and wives to take on their fair share of household chores, it's even more important that they say "thank you" to each other for doing so. "Individuals who feel appreciated by their partners... express less resentment over the division of labor and greater satisfaction with their relationships," Alberts and Trethewey concluded.
Recognizing household contributions "can help partners avoid the trap of taking each other for granted, and start to appreciate all the gifts — big and small — that they give to one another."
5. His gratitude and appreciation
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Wives might complain that their husbands take them for granted, but husbands wish their wives noticed how grateful they really are. They don't always know how to express it, but the good ones appreciate their wives on every level.
They're grateful their wives said "yes" when they proposed. They're grateful for the ways their wives show up for them, day after day, to help them become better men. If they have kids, they're grateful for her devotion to their family.
Of course, no wife is a mind-reader, so it's up to the husband to be sure he's expressing these feelings regularly. But when husbands tell their wives how grateful they are, they make their marriage stronger than ever, as long as his wife notices when he makes the effort.
6. The way he sees who you truly are
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Husbands wish their wives noticed how deeply they see them. They know their wives, and they love them even without any makeup or other veneer.
They love the little things that make their wives who they are. They see every flaw and every weird habit their wives have, and they're not turned off by any of them.
Good husbands don't tolerate their wives' imperfections, they embrace them. They know that loving someone means loving the whole of them.
Devoted husbands wake up and choose their wives, every single day. They accept the harder parts of married life, because they understand that those are the parts that bring them closer together. They know that there's no such thing as perfect, and they wouldn't want it any other way. And they wish their wives would fully notice this special trait.
7. The goals he sets for your future together
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Even though they don't say it, great husbands are always thinking about their wives. Every goal they set is a step toward their shared future, no matter how far away that future is.
The best husbands are go-getters and problem-solvers. They want to find solutions, which is why they think ahead.
They calculate costs and find ways to make their family's dreams come true. They save up vacations and birthday celebrations and date nights. They plan for retirement long before they need to, because they want to give their wives the best life possible.
One of the important things husbands wish their wives noticed about them more is how excited they are to grow old together, and how much they put into setting up a stable future for them to share.
8. The work he does to gain emotional intelligence
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Husbands who struggle to be emotionally available wish their wives noticed their sensitive side more often. Opening up isn't easy for anyone, but men have an especially hard time being vulnerable, because they were raised to equate vulnerability with weakness.
Great husbands wish they could express their feelings without fear, so they do the work to get there. They know how valuable it is to be vulnerable, even when it's hard.
According to therapy icon Terrence Real, author of the iconic book on men's mental health, I Don't Want To Talk About It, men are supposed to hold their feelings in.
As Real told the New York Times, "[T]he way we traditionally 'turn boys into men' is we teach them to disconnect — disconnect from vulnerability, disconnect from their feelings, disconnect from others."
This causes major problems in their relationships, as Real notes. Often, they express their emotions by causing trouble instead of expressing their pain. But great husbands see this pattern and want to interrupt it. They reach out for help or support from therapists or other supportive men, and they absolutely love it when their wives acknowledge how hard that can be.
9. How hard he tries to communicate
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Husbands wish their wives noticed how much work they put into communicating. They might not get it right every single time, but they keep trying, and that's what matters most. Husbands want their wives to appreciate them for the things they do get right, including the way they listen.
Just like dealing with emotions, boys aren't taught to be great communicators in the same way girls are. The media girls consume as children is very friendship- and feelings-based content, whereas the shows and movies boys are generally about adventure and heroics.
That discrepancy causes serious communication problems in many marriages, which is why husbands wish their wives would notice when they work on how they communicate.
10. His patience with his wife
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One of the big things husbands wish their wives noticed about them more is how patient they are, even when it's a struggle. Great husbands keep their stress in check and don't get upset over small things they can't control. They put in the effort to be responsible for their own feelings, which means channeling their inner calm instead of letting their anger take over.
Patient husbands know how to manage their expectations. They know that sometimes work is more demanding than usual or that it might take her a while to decide to take on a big career change. They don't get mad or try to control the outcome, they stay patient and supportive instead.
Husbands who meet their wives where they're at contribute to having happier, more fulfilled marriage.
11. His parenting style
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Lots of husbands wish their wives noticed how good they are with their kids, even when they take a different approach to parenting than their wives do. They play to their strengths, which often means turning dinner time into a game and taking the couch apart to build the best fort ever. They might be silly and joke around, but they take being a dad very seriously.
Husbands want their wives to know that they'll do anything for their family. They recognize that they are far from being perfect fathers, but they keep showing up and doing their best. They aim to be a reliable, steady source of love for their wives and their kids, and that's better than trying to be perfect.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
