6 Ways Deeply-In-Love Couples Fix Tiny Issues So They Don't Turn Into Huge Problems
It's the little things that matter most, even when they start small.
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | Canva Some common relationship problems for couples, like loneliness, boredom or staleness in the relationship, show up early as small issues. The good news is, there are ways to fix these tiny issues so they don't tear you apart later. Even better? You can use the same tools to help address the issues if you're currently in the "huge problems" stage, too.
It may seem silly to plan early for a problem you don't feel is pressing now, but someday, maybe after a few years, (when you have kids, or even once you have raised the kids and gotten them out of the house) you may find the two of you staring at each other with little idea of what to do next. We've addressed this with many couples in our practice, and these tips have helped so many.
Here are 6 ways brilliant couples start fixing subtle issues as soon as they show up:
1. They acknowledge the issue
Whether the issue is small or big, talk to your spouse and acknowledge the problems. It is better if both of you agree that your marriage is, in fact, stale or lonely or that it could become this way. It's more difficult (although not impossible) to turn things around if only one of you believes this.
In a worst-case scenario, it is worthwhile for the partner who is not feeling negatively about the relationship to simply acknowledge the reality of their partner's need.
2. They commit to changing things
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A simple acknowledgment that you are in a stagnant or lonely phase will not change anything. If there is to be new life breathed into your relationship — the type that can last and even prevent future problems — it will require effort from at least one of you. According to the Transtheoretical Model, change happens in stages, and it often takes a long time. Commiting to change falls into Stage 3 of this model, and can be helped along by writing down goals and preparing a plan.
It takes a determined commitment to break out of old patterns that have been your way of life for many years. If you want to change, you must first make decisions that you will do the work needed to change it.
3. They identify and reinvent old routines
One reason things can become stale is that we tend to do the same things, in the same way, month after month and year after year. Soon, staleness can start to feel like loneliness. Early on, this can be prevented by committing to reinvent your routines or adding in new, fun things to your life.
Pinpoint what patterns and routines each of you practices that keep you apart, shut each other out, or simply don’t have much meaning for you any longer. Shake up those old routines with new ideas and new ways of doing things.
4. They step out of their comfort zone
You and your spouse's current patterns of thinking and behavior can be brought on stagnation over the years. If this is where you are, know that, in order to create genuine change, you'll both need to step out of your comfort zones and try something different. Your resistance to doing this in the past may be one of the reasons you're feeling that your marriage is stale.
If you're just seeing these issues pop up for the first time, know that these insights are the same. In addition to adding fun to your relationship, research reported by The Society for Personality and Social Psychology shows that experiencing new things together helps people bond. This may be especially true for men, who appear to bond best when overcoming challenges together.
You may need to try things you have resisted in the past. Even if the thing you try turns out to be the wrong thing, it still creates some traction for your relationship.
5. They try new things together
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If you truly are going to break out of stagnation and improve your marriage, you must compile a list of new things to do together. This may include activities you will try, places to visit, movies to watch, and ideas outside of your former thought patterns.
Start by making a big list. Be sure to write down every idea, even the ones that initially don't sound appealing to you. To get some ideas, check the activity pages in your local newspaper or look online for events going on in your area. After you create one big list, discuss the ones you both are willing to try.
And don't forget to keep updating your list over time!
6. They put things on the calendar
You have a list of things to do together, so you must set a time for when you two will try something new from it.
Pick something, and set aside the time to do it. Now pick another item from the list, and schedule it in your calendar, too. Plan out this calendar several months in advance, so that other things don’t get in the way of your goal to improve your marriage.
Good marriages are worth the effort. Getting stuck in a stale marriage does not have to be a forever thing. Changing a marriage and improving it takes work, but you both will find it was worth it if you take the steps listed here.
Once things begin to improve in your marriage, keep up the good work and avoid falling back into the old habits and routines that caused a tiresome and lackluster relationship in the first place.
Drs. Debbie and David McFadden have master's degrees in education and social work and are relationship and life coaches specializing in helping to struggle and distressed couples improve their relationships.
