7 Things That Seem Like Red Flags (But Are Just Part Of Being Human)
Not every bump in a relationship means disaster.
bbernard | Shutterstock Sometimes, it seems like a non-negotiable issue exists in even the best relationships, something so sour it can't be fixed. And when it comes to wanting children or believing in different religions, there may be no middle ground for your relationship to live on. But some issues are only disguised as deal breakers, experts say.
We've all had those moments where we spot something in a partner, or even ourselves, and immediately wonder if it's a red flag. While it's easy to assume these quirks signal trouble, the truth is that many of them are perfectly normal and just part of being a living, breathing person on this Earth.
Here are 7 things that seem like red flags but are just part of being human:
1. Your partner wants to maintain their friendships
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We get it: it's easy to see your partner's friend as a foe. But their relationship doesn't have to get in the way of yours, says Toni Coleman, psychotherapist and relationship coach. Rather than calling it quits, have an honest talk about how you feel and how your friend can fit into your shared lives.
"For example, he can limit his virtual and in-person contact or agree that lunch might be OK but dinner would be a no-go," suggests Coleman, "The key here is to address your partner's feelings and concerns and make them a priority."
2. Your need for intimacy is higher than theirs
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You'd get close every night if you could, but your partner is satisfied with less physical closeness. But Rachel Needle, clinical psychologist and certified intimacy therapist, says, "Just because your partner has lower desire than you doesn't mean that they have low desire all the time or that they won't be receptive to your advances," — i.e., this isn't a deal breaker.
"Desire discrepancies are extremely common in relationships," she says. "You can work on finding a middle ground that you're both comfortable with. If that doesn't work, seek professional help from someone who specializes in intimacy and relationships so you can understand more about your relationship and functioning and increase communication around this issue."
3. You've got different ideas on how to spend your money
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You want to sock your extra savings away for a rainy day while he's itching to buy a new car. That difference in opinion may seem painful, but it doesn't have to be a deal breaker, says Coleman.
"In this scenario, they could establish an upper limit on what would be spent on the car," she suggests. "Perhaps a used car could be found that would be satisfactory. He could agree to cut back on other spending to put some money towards their future purchase, and she could agree to this and then ask for a certain level of savings going forward from there."
4. You're in a long-distance relationship
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Says Needle, "Living in proximity can help form and maintain a relationship." And so, it follows that living far apart can make building a bond seem all but impossible. But it's not, says Needle.
"Instead of nixing a relationship that could otherwise have great long-term potential with a partner who has so many other deal-making qualities, try prioritizing the relationship so that you can spend more time together," she suggests. "Create a schedule that works for both of you. Keep in good contact otherwise by text, call, and video call to remain connected."
5. They never do chores
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Despite many articles showing that sharing household chores leads to a happier marriage, your partner may not want to pick up a broom.
But rather than give him a relationship-ending ultimatum, Coleman suggests, it's best to take a serious look at all your household chores, including the ones that extend far beyond cleaning, like running errands, getting the cars washed, and paying the bills. "Then, you could each pick the ones each of you is most comfortable taking on upfront, then divide the few that neither particularly likes doing," she says.
6. Your love life lacks passion
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We all want a passionate love life. So, one that lacks a certain passion certainly isn't ideal. But it's also not a deal breaker, Needle cautions.
"Perhaps one or both of you could use some psycho-education and clear communication about what you like or dislike and want or don't want in your relationship," she says. "You can even make it fun to experiment together. And if these things don't work, then professional help can make bad intimacy into better intimacy and then great intimacy. It might turn out that you're not compatible, but you can't know that from the beginning if you don't try to make it better."
7. Your social inclinations are different
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If he's party-hardy, but you're a wallflower whose idea of a wild night is a Netflix marathon, your social schedule could seem like a deal breaker. But with a little compromise, Coleman says, you can find harmony.
"You need to get out and mingle sometimes, and he needs quiet time at home with you," Coleman says. Choose nights for low-key activities and to be out on the town. "This only needs to be a deal breaker if neither is willing to seek a middle ground," she says.
Jillian Kramer is an award-winning storyteller. She's been featured in Food and Wine, Glamour, SELF, Brides, and Women's Health Magazine.
