Couples Who Argue Most About Money Usually Have These 6 Ongoing Disagreements
Even the happiest couples clash over cash.
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | Canva A few years ago, a reader pointed out to me that I didn’t write about money enough. “Seeing as money is the #1 thing that couples fight about, it’s interesting to me that you don’t write about it more often.” And they were right! So, I decided that I am going to be talking about money and financial issues more in my writing.
Several studies have shown that money is the number one thing that couples fight about (and divorce over) because, for most people, money is often the thing that they carry the most shame around. Sure, openly talking about things like politics and religion are big taboos in our society, but I believe that, in aggregate, the shame and fear surrounding money trumps all of those.
Couples who argue most about money usually have these 6 ongoing disagreements:
1. Judging or resenting each other’s spending habits
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By far one of the most common arguments that couples have about money is regarding their partner’s spending habits. Regardless of whether or not you are married and have pooled resources, it’s understandable that people carry tension around how their partners spend their money.
If they’re a shopaholic when they’re stressed out, and you want to eventually move in with them, you could worry that they’re going to spend your money just as frivolously. Or, if you see them being careless with their cash, your mind might project that you’ll never have enough money to have a solid emergency fund for future expenses that surprise you.
Whatever the fear is underlying the tension, and regardless of whether or not you share a mortgage, judging or resenting each other’s spending habits is a very common source of tension between romantic partners.
2. Arguments surrounding disparity of income
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Unless both people in the relationship work the same job at the same place with the same level of seniority, some level of income disparity is inevitable. If that gap is significant, then that fact is bound to put some stress on the relationship.
Maybe you make 3-5x the income of your partner, and so money is less of a stressor for you (or vice versa). Or, perhaps the lower-income-earning partner overspends their partner’s money, and their partner resents it. Whatever the nuance of the situation, a disparity of income brings up its own issues to be addressed.
3. Fights surrounding paying off debt
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If one or both of you have significant debts to be paid off (student loans, credit card debt, or mortgage), this can be a major point of contention. You might argue about the way in which you plan to pay it off, who is responsible for paying it off, or on what timeline you would like to handle it.
Debt can be like a dark cloud that looms over your psyche, and it looms heavier and darker over some people more than others. Research shows that higher levels of financial stress are linked to less communication, so making time for it is crucial. Frame financial challenges as a shared problem to be solved together rather than focusing on blame.
4. Who controls the cash flow
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This is a big one. In many relationships, one partner controls and manages all of the finances, and the other person buries their head in the sand (figuratively speaking).
Inevitably, this can result in an unhealthy power dynamic where one person feels disempowered, and the other feels in control, but also stressed out from the constant sense of responsibility. When partners blame each other for poor spending or saving habits, it can cause the other person to shut down and become defensive. A non-judgmental, curious approach is more productive, one study stressed.
5. Decisions surrounding major purchases
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Financial decisions surrounding major purchases like cars, houses, schooling, vacations, and whether or not to have children can all be major stressors in a relationship. Not only are the decisions significant because they impact the fundamental structure of your lives, but they also cause you both to absorb a financial hit in exchange.
It’s no wonder that decisions like these would cause conflict between romantic partners. Each partner often brings different financial values and attitudes, shaped by their upbringing and personal beliefs about saving, spending, and debt. However, research stresses an equal say in major financial decisions being linked to higher relationship satisfaction.
6. Saving habits
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How each person saves (or doesn’t save) their money is another common source of conflict in intimate relationships. Maybe one of you is a penny pincher who manages to save and invest over 50 percent of their monthly income, while the other one is in their late 40s and has less than $1,000 in their bank account.
The how’s, why’s, and when’s of saving money are all important, and the importance of those things is exacerbated when your financial decisions also impact your significant other’s life
Jordan Gray is a five-time #1 Amazon best-selling author, public speaker, and relationship coach with more than a decade of practice behind him. His work has been featured in The New York Times, BBC, Forbes, The Huffington Post, and more.
