Psychology Says These 8 Dark Behaviors Reveal He’s Not A Good Guy — No Matter What He Says
Forget about his words, look at his effect on you.
Getty Images | Unsplash A person can't be judged based on a standard of goodness. There’s no specific criterion to measure it. By talking about good guys, I do not mean to disregard any particular behavior of men as bad or undesirable. Nevertheless, a good guy acts as a positive influence in a relationship.
There are some remarkable behaviors a man can have that are beneficial for a relationship, and in turn, there are equally remarkable behaviors to show the opposite. Researchers in 2023 examined what makes people feel loved and found that love is an interpersonal process where you get positive responsiveness from another person and experience an authentic connection with a consistent sense of stability. As a man, you either possess these qualities or you don’t. There is rarely a middle ground to it.
Here are the behaviors that reveal he’s not a good guy, no matter what he says:
1. He makes you feel insecure
It’s undeniable that people often feel insecure in a relationship. Insecurity in a relationship may stem from various issues — it can arise from some unresolved internal conflicts or can be external, based on how your partner is making you feel.
"High avoidance and anxiety were associated with numerous relationship problems being rated as frequent and severe," stated a 2020 study of problematic romantic relationships. "A greater attachment security was associated with fewer perceived difficulties in affective communication, irrespective of gender, while greater avoidance and anxiety were associated with more difficulties in this area."
A man who has good intentions for the relationship will never make you feel like you're a sidekick in his life. Even if the problem is rising because of the partner’s low self-esteem, a good man will not add to their insecurities. Most importantly, he will give them the undivided attention they deserve, constant reassurance, and positive regard to make them feel secure in the relationship.
A man like this will make sure his partner understands that their space in his life is exclusive and they do not have to constantly compete with other people to secure their position in his heart.
2. He limits your potential
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With two dynamic individuals interacting, there is a high chance of their ideals clashing. This fact will not instigate a good man to clip your wings, cage you, and limit your horizons. A man who has high regard for his partner’s personal growth will actively take part in identifying the capabilities of his partner, motivating, and inspiring them to reach their zenith.
He will never let you give up on yourself until you have achieved what you deserve and desire. His selfish needs will not be a reason for you to compromise your flair. Instead, he will be the extra boost for you to maneuver around obstacles.
3. He invades your personal space
Every healthy relationship requires having clear boundaries. However closely connected you might be with your partner, certain things are exceedingly personal.
If your man is snooping around in an attempt to invade your personal space — snooping through your phone, laptop, or diaries, or trying to log in to your social media accounts in your absence, he is undoubtedly projecting his insecurities and other internal issues onto you.
Insecure attachments lead to jealousy to create "a hub of contradictory feelings, thoughts, beliefs, actions, and reactions, and consider how it can range from a normative predicament to extreme obsessive manifestations," according to a 2010 study of jealousy in couple relationships.
A good man will trust you and respect your boundaries and never be willing to cross his limits.
4. He is abusive
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Abuse in any form — be it physical, emotional, or verbal towards anyone is a supreme crime to commit. No living organism deserves such treatment from anyone. Yet, abuse won’t always be overt or easily recognizable. Often, abuse is subtle and difficult to identify, as explored by a 2024 series of studies.
A good man exudes self-integrity and will never stoop to abuse someone to exercise control in the relationship. Instead of using manipulation to mold a relationship to his advantage, a good guy will make use of his rational sense and emotional maturity to handle crises that might arise.
5. He cheats on you
The world creates innumerable opportunities to give in to the temptation to cheat. The controversy related to men being polygamous will eternally be debated over, but one fact remains undeniable: monogamy is a personal choice, and there is nothing physical that binds two people to each other, just a decision.
A good man, who has committed himself to his partner, will stay away from superficial attraction and never give in to trivial temptations. He will stick to the promises of love he has made to his partner.
6. He disregards your concerns
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A relationship has to pass through many inexorably rough phases. The two people involved might face issues together or individually, which need to be discussed to resolve.
A good man will never avoid conflicts just to pass them on to the next day, to culminate in an unimaginably mountainous amount. He understands the significance of face-to-face conversations to resolve conflicts. He lends an ear to your concerns and what is bothering you. He makes a genuine effort to work on the relationship.
7. He devalues you
Value is one of the most precious gifts you can give to your partner. Every person deserves to feel worthy. Even though self-worth comes from within oneself, a good guy will value you for who you are. A 2000 study of psychological perspectives on self and identity found that, "individuals seem to base personal feelings of self-esteem on the degree of acceptance they perceive from others."
He will never make you feel incompetent, worthless, unwanted, or undeserving of his love and attention. He will hold you in high esteem and make sure you feel special and understood in the relationship. Being with such a man, you will feel accepted as you are and not just your positive traits.
8. He gives up on you
However unfortunate the circumstances are, a person who deserves you will never give up on you or the relationship. They will treasure you and go the extra mile to rectify everything that threatens the relationship.
A good man will be patient, will sustain the turbulence, and hold onto you through the stormy days. Giving up on you to look for an easy exit is not in a good man’s mind.
What we often end up doing in a relationship is holding on to ill-treatment and negligence, simply because we fail to find the exit. Other times, we ignore the red flags glaring at us just to keep dragging on a dead relationship.
It is time we start being a little less harsh on ourselves because we all know what we deserve — the best.
Shreyasi Debnath is a psychologist and writer who focuses on mental health, self-care, and self-love.
