The Science Of Romantic Love: 5 Simple Habits Of Couples Who Stay Madly In Love Forever
NDAB Creativity | Shutterstock According to research by psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky at UC Riverside, married couples tend to experience something called the "two-year passion bump." Does this mean the shelf life for passion in marriage really only two years? And how can we make it last much, much longer?
Lyubomirsky's research found that after the passion bump, red-hot love morphs into something a little bit different. It can turn into a deepening sense of affection and compassion, but lacks the more primal feeling of attraction and connection.
There is a lot of value in having plenty of love, affection, and connection in your relationship. In fact, without these things, passion cannot thrive. There's no doubt a healthy sense of passion is also a must. Unfortunately, too many couples have relationship problems because they don't have much passion left.
We don't doubt the two-year passion bump is the trend for many, many married couples and those who are in long-term love relationships together. But we believe passion doesn't have to taper off or die after two years, twelve years, or even twenty years. It is possible to keep the passion and spark stoked in your relationship.
Here are 5 simple habits of couples who stay madly in love forever:
1. They question their beliefs
Just because it's the trend doesn't mean it will be the reality in your relationship. Many couples go into their relationship or marriage with the expectation that passion will die — it seems inevitable.
Maybe you've seen the spark go out in the relationships of others. You've read headlines and studies that it's just not possible to feel as excited and fresh in your relationship as when you first got together.
So, you've resigned yourself to the belief it will happen to you and your partner, too. Passion will peak and eventually decline, and you'll have to learn to be OK with that.
We can't know what will be true in your relationship, but we do know you can have a passion that continues to grow over the years. The two-year bump trend can be busted. Even if you don't fully believe us when you have a thought that passion will inevitably die, stop and ask yourself the question: "Can I really know if that will be true for me?"
2. They remove whatever blocks their connection
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A really great way to keep passion alive is to figure out what's standing in the way of it. What are the habits both you and your spouse have that squash love and stamp out fiery connection?
The passion blocker in your relationship might be the way you pick and nag at each other. It could be how busy you two are and how little time you take to be together. IOr, it might be something else.
Without blaming, take an honest look at the usual ways you and your partner interact with one another and notice what specifically seems to dampen the passion. Your next step is to stop doing those things if you want to learn how to make the honeymoon phase last! Start out with your own behavior and create agreements with your partner to work together on this.
3. They make resentment the enemy
Resentment can build from dissatisfying or infrequent intimacy, and boredom can set in. In addition, irritation and annoyance crop up easily and the connection between the couple can become strained or shallow.
As a result, one (or both) might look outside of the marriage for passion and intimacy. In other words, when passion dies, the very heart of the relationship dies right along with it.
Couples who stay madly in love communicate clearly, talk through problems, make repairs and offer genuine forgiveness so connection can continue to grow.
4. They invite in connection every day
As you start to clear away the blocks, consciously invite in more connection and passion. This can begin with you. Has your approach to life become somewhat mundane and routine? Do you tend to stick with the way you've "always done things" instead of experimenting with something new?
You don't have to throw out everything you like and are comfortable with, but do open the door and step outside your norm. Get in touch with what piques your interest and what gets you charged up. It can be simple or more radical. This might involve taking some risks at work, trying a new hobby or activity, reading a different genre of book, or listening to music you've never listened to before.
The point here is to keep your own experience of life invigorating and feeling fresh. Know you can't easily bring more passion into your relationship with your partner if you're not also opening up to passion individually.
Make a conscious decision to interact with your partner in passion-promoting ways. This doesn't always have to mean physical passion, but it's wonderful when it does. You can share a passion for renovating your bathroom or volunteering in your community together.
5. They seize every moment connection or passion arise
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When you and your spouse do share a passionate moment, recognize and savor it. In a long-term relationship, you most likely aren't going to spend all day long in bed together or feel red-hot attraction toward one another every second of every day. That's OK. Just because you don't feel passion for one another every moment doesn't mean passion is dying.
Acknowledge the passion you share. You might feel the passion as you kiss. You might feel the passion when you hold hands and walk through the park together. You might feel passion when you think about a kind word or a compliment your partner gave you that morning before work.
Shine a light on those moments of passion and really make the most of them. Let your partner know how great it felt when you shared (or are sharing) a kiss or a walk in the park. This will help ensure more passionate moments happen!
Susie and Otto Collins are Certified Transformative Coaches who help awaken love and possibilities in your life.
