I’ve Never Been Married — But Watching Happy (And Miserable) Couples Taught Me These 9 Marriage Rules
Strelciuc Dumitru | Canva I’ve never been married, but watching both happy and miserable couples taught me a few marriage rules about how to have a happy partnership. You probably disagree and think, "Why the heck would anybody want a relationship prescription from a love doctor who has never said I do?" Fair question. But I’m even less qualified than that. Until recently, I’d never read a relationship self-help book.
However, my complete lack of firsthand and textbook knowledge is exactly why you should listen to me. Researchers have suggested "positive marital illusions are a cultural phenomenon," and I’m unbiased. I haven’t been scarred or jaded by my own marriage(s). The advice I provide comes only from observation.
I’ve never been married — but watching happy (and miserable) couples taught me these 9 marriage rules:
1. Invite your partner's input on your look
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Guys, your bride bought you a new style of jeans and shirts to go with them. She did not do this merely because she grew bored while online shopping for herself. She did not do this to embarrass you. She did this because she thinks you will look good in those articles of clothing, better than you look in the ones you purchased five to seven years ago and still wear regularly.
"Your spouse is usually right about you," advised relationship coach Todd King. "This is one I hate to admit, but it's true. Even if it is feedback I don't want to hear or I think is exaggerated or distorted, there is always some truth I need to hear. Sometimes my wife has more confidence in me than I have in myself, and I need to hear that too. Learn to appreciate your spouse as your mirror and see what you may need to adjust."
2. Let your partner maintain the parts of themselves they enjoy
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Wives, your man watched twelve hours of football per week (or played twelve hours of video games) when you met. And after you dated. And after you were engaged. Why, then, would he ditch football after wearing a wedding ring? He didn’t expect you to quit Book Club. In fact, he wants you to keep going to the Book Club. Be realistic and let the guy watch a game every Sunday.
"Alone time is one of the healthiest things for a relationship," dating coach Anna Karimo emphasized. "Spending time apart gives each person time to decompress, to be themselves, and to be secure with their identity outside of the relationship. It’s great that you guys can spend a lot of time together. It will strengthen your bond and help your relationship progress. Just don’t forget that to keep yourselves and your relationship healthy, you need to take little breaks here and there."
3. Share the housework load
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Husbands might think they do their fair share, and maybe you do. But they probably don’t. In sports terms, women do all the little things that don’t show up in the box score. Hence, maybe he doesn’t recognize the laundry list of accomplished tasks. I’m sure he's cleaned the toilet before. But that doesn’t exempt him from toilet duty until next year’s Halloween party.
Couples counselor Frances Patton explained, "One reason that the labor division seldom feels fair is that the needs for connection and feeling loved go unmet. Even if the two of you have divided up the chores perfectly, you’re going to be unhappy if you need help, love, or support at the moment and your partner isn’t there. So, start by negotiating how you will divide the labor. Make it fair and do your share. But go the extra mile to take some of that burden off of your partner."
4. Consider your partner's opinion
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Wives, have you ever been dining out with gal pals when somebody asks the server for their preference between, say, the chicken or salmon, only to then order the entrée not recommended? That annoys everybody. Yet, like a study that used third-party observers to rate marital support, I’ve consistently seen and heard stories about a woman seeking her spouse’s opinion on what pair of shoes to wear or what color to paint the mud room, only to ignore his choice.
So, why bother asking him? I’ve had women explain, “I just want to know that he’s invested.” This stance baffles me. More importantly, that stance exasperates husbands. After a few instances of having his opinion asked and ignored, he will feel unappreciated, which is not good for anybody. If you ask for input, you need to consider his voice.
5. Do things without having to be reminded
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Husbands, you know the garbage gets picked up on Thursdays. This has happened every week since you bought your house. Why then do you make your wife nudge you on Wednesday night to take out the rubbish?
You complain. She doesn’t want to feel bad about mentioning the trash again. Do you think she married you for the lifelong opportunity of reminding you of your mother? Yet, you leave your wife no choice, lest that sliding trash/recyclables drawer start overflowing with banana peels and Diet Coke cans.
Just take out the trash. Or put the toilet seat down. Or close the garage door. Or do whatever it is you know you should do but purposely choose not to do. I’m not going to pretend to understand the need for passive-aggressive behavior. But I am going tell you it isn't getting you anywhere but the love life landfill.
6. Let your partner indulge now and then
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Wives, it’s nice you want your spouse to live to a ripe old age (or at least longer than you). In that spirit, you monitor his caloric and fat intake like an Olympic trainer. But would it kill you to pick up a treat at the store every once in a while? It won’t kill him. Whether he loves cookies, chips, or Coronas, grab him some now and then. He’ll appreciate it. (And, hopefully, he'll tell you so.)
"Are you trying to make your partner into who you want them to be?" asked marriage coach Roland Legge. "To feel joy in your relationship, you both need to feel fully loved and accepted for who you are. This will help to bring joy back into your marriage."
7. Step away from your screen
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Husbands and wives, I would probably be more successful in delivering this message if I group-texted you. First, I should express my thanks: If not for watching you constantly check your smartphones during conversations with each other, I would never have recognized how much time I spend with my face buried in mine. An ex-girlfriend once tried to tell me, but I was probably rereading month-old emails or something.
These days, seemingly everybody sits at dinner with their phone resting atop the table within quick reach. This, I have come to realize, is not conducive to meaningful communication with the one you love. Give your exhausted rhomboid muscles a break by actually looking at your partner when you speak to one another. Do not holster your phones, since you’ll still feel the vibrations when you get a text/email/call, and then your spouse will recognize the telltale facial twitching and know you’re distracted by your phone.
8. Touch each other more
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You know what I don’t see often? Touching. Unfortunately, I now possess the ability to assess how things are going in a marriage strictly by the amount of touching. I’m not talking about moves like throwing legs across each other on the couch or strolling down the street with a hand in each other’s back pocket.
Do you know how hard it is to squeeze past someone between the kitchen sink and the island without touching? There are fewer contortions in a game of Twister. I don’t know if touches decrease little by little in a relationship or if they suddenly vanish one day. But I do know research has shown the absence of touch has a deep impact, belying their force. So, when I see spouses avoid touching each other as they prepare dinner — no pull on the hip here, no shoulder squeeze there — I cringe both for what they’re missing and for the fact they might not miss it at all.
9. Keep yourself centered
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Ladies and gentlemen, here are two gripes I hear from both of you: “I don’t have any quiet time” and “I don’t have time to work out.” Of course not, your house pulsates with activity 25 hours per day. Plus, somebody is usually crying (sorry for when it was me).
There is a solution, but it involves something truly awful: waking up early. I know, I know. Believe me, it hurts to type those words. But if one of you agrees to keep an eye out for the kid(s), the other can rise at 5 am or 5:30 am and go walking. Yes, I'm serious.
Get up, grab your coffee, and then escape for 30 minutes. Go walk around the block, get the blood moving and endorphins firing, and chill with your thoughts. Come home mentally ready for the day. The next morning, you wrangle the offspring while your spouse goes walking. Or perhaps nobody goes walking, and instead, you sit and enjoy the quiet solitude. That’s a winner, too.
Jamie Reidy is an author, screenwriter, and Huffington Post blogger.
