Men Who Want Healthy Relationships Need To Own These 9 Hard Truths First
Men want healthy relationships like women, but they're not always easy to find.
Felipe Souza | pexels Recently, I've noticed how many people seem to be absolutely despondent over dating. Not for nothing, but people genuinely do have a lot to be upset about — and I don’t want to minimize their pain on that end. Dating apps don’t give them a good shot at finding someone to talk to. There are not many socially acceptable places for people to hit on each other these days. Trying to figure out dating can feel like a game no one tells you the rules to.
Dating, especially on apps, can feel like a game due to the psychology of reward, the strategic interactions, and the potential for social validation. One study highlighted that dating apps often utilize a random reward system, where users receive dopamine hits from matches and potential matches, reinforcing swiping behavior. However, for every genuine and honest complaint I saw, there were some I felt were totally preventable. If you’re wondering what went wrong, let me enlighten you on some of the most brutal truths about dating you may need to confront.
Men who want healthy relationships need to own these 9 hard truths first:
1. You need more than just love to make it work
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Yo, so I’m going to start off by saying the one thing that most men hate to hear: claiming that you’ll be a loving spouse is not enough. It’s just not. Disney lied to you. Falling in love does not equal a happily ever after.
A relationship and a happy life together require a lot more than just "love" or the promise thereof. It requires:
- Shared goals and lifestyle preferences: Opposites do NOT attract. If you want to sit on the couch and play video games all day, don’t be shocked when your gym bunny girlfriend leaves.
- Money: Being broke is not romantic. It’s a good way to remain miserable and resentful of one another until you both realize it’s not sustainable and split.
- Attraction: Look, I know a lot of men who ended up with women they are not attracted to because they felt "something was better than nothing at all." It does not work out. Trust me.
- Emotional intelligence: Sorry, but you need to be able to confront the bad sides of life, including personal shortcomings in yourself and tough conversations.
- Emotional labor: You cannot use your partner as a therapist, cleaning device, and more. Your partner needs care too. If you ignore her and don’t listen to her, she will leave.
- A life outside your partner: You both need to have a life outside of each other. Otherwise, you’ll suffocate.
- A partner who wants to be with you: You cannot force someone to love you, be into you, or stay with you. It does not work.
If you cannot provide this, then your relationship can and will likely fall apart.
2. Your appearance matters more than you think
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Yes, looks matter. Yes, you should be hitting the gym or trying to keep your hair looking good. Yes, women care what a man looks like just as much as men care what their dates look like.
The "men age better" is also a lie. I’m sorry, I have to say this out loud, but it’s true. If you were hot at 20, you will probably be hot at 70. Most guys who look like Dudley Doolittle right now are not going to turn into Sean Connery at 70.
With that said, all is not lost. You can boost your looks with the right routine, the right diet, and a bunch of other things. Moreover, looks can still take the backseat to a shining personality — you just have to show your awesome side.
3. Your partner is not your parent or your maid
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Seriously. Stop expecting women to pick up after you; it’s embarrassing. Housework is adult work, not women’s work. It’s not "babysitting" if it’s your kid, either.
You need to be a functional partner in your relationship, or your partner will likely leave. See point number one: love is not enough. No one will love you enough to act like your personal slave for the rest of their lives.
There are a few things that kill a woman’s attraction faster than having a man who treats her like a surrogate mom/housekeeper with benefits. It’s not attractive, and it will eventually make your partner lose attraction to you.
I have seen so many men who were totally baffled that their wives divorced them over chores. I’ve also seen so many women who were shocked that their husbands were not okay with a stay-at-home wife who didn’t clean the house or raise kids.
Pick up after yourself. Your partner is not your parent. When you start to parent-ify your partner, they will start looking toward the door.
Treating a partner as a child or expecting them to fulfill parental or domestic responsibilities can lead to decreased self-esteem, relationship issues, and decreased satisfaction. Findings emphasize the importance of understanding that a partner is an adult individual with their own needs, desires, and responsibilities. They are not meant to be a substitute parent, caregiver, or personal assistant.
4. You have to treat women like real people — not fantasies
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She’s not a dating sim. She’s not AI. She’s not an alien from Planet Klorborg III.
She’s a human being with all the same emotions as you. If you wouldn’t be okay being treated the way you treat her, she’s not going to be okay with it.
What most men don’t seem to grasp about women’s behavior is that a lot of the "treat her mean, keep her keen" reactions are socialized trauma responses. Women are told that men who hurt them actually like them from a very young age.
This doesn’t mean they are okay with the treatment. It means that they are going through the "fawn" trauma response, rather than the typical fight or flight.
I don’t care what your dating guru is telling you about women being fleeting or that they "hamster wheel" or whatever. She’s a person. Treat her like one and see her like one, or don’t date her.
5. You need to respect how much more women risk by dating
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Look, I know I’m going to get hate for this, but it’s the truth. Women are far more likely to be assaulted, beaten, or murdered by a date than men. If a woman gets pregnant, her entire life could be derailed.
I know men hate to hear this, but the greatest threat to women is men. It’s the sad truth, and no, not all men are like that, but women have no way to tell who will hurt them and who won’t. So, what does that mean?
- Offer to pay on the first date as an act of goodwill. It’s a sign that you realize that she’s putting her neck on the line by giving you a chance.
- Stop begging women to give you a chance. She has the right to choose whoever she wants. Either way, we all know that she’d get blamed for "choosing wrong" if she gets beaten by a date.
- Do not throw a tantrum if she rejects you or doesn’t want to sleep with you yet. This is not only unappealing. This also proves to women that they are right to walk away from dating as a whole.
- Do not threaten women into dating you. That’s abusive, and I’ve seen this way too much.
- Let her choose where to meet. And listen to her if she says that she’s not ready to let you into her house.
The most successful men I’ve seen in the dating world take the lead by saying they’re interested and making women feel safe. Then, they give women space to see if they reach back out. Take note.
6. Your behavior should pass the 'grandma test'
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A lot of men have had their reputations ruined by a text they shouldn’t have sent, an outburst that should never have happened, or a moment where they did something unforgivable.
Think of Grandma. Would she approve of your behavior? I guarantee you she wouldn’t say, "Oh, dearie, please send another mean to that random unsuspecting woman. She might bake you cookies!"
No, Grandma would probably say, "If that happened in the 1920s, you would have been exiled. Sonny, are you alright? What has your mother been teaching you about women?"
Listen to Granny. It may not be what you want to hear, but listening to your inner grandma is a good way to avoid being the dude who goes as viral as a YouTuber outed as a perv.
Questionable behaviors can lead partners to question their partner's reliability and trustworthiness, creating a sense of insecurity and distrust. Studies consistently show that couples who communicate openly and honestly experience higher relationship satisfaction.
7. You need to be honest with yourself about why you want a relationship
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It took a very long time for me to figure out why I wanted to date so badly. I wanted to have my person, and I wanted to have someone who chose me and showed that they were committed to me.
I wanted to be enough. More importantly, I wanted to provide love and a safe home for someone.
When I met my husband, he didn’t judge me for my past, and he was looking for a committed relationship. He was 21 and actively looking to marry. He wanted a safe and loving home. He wanted to be a husband to someone.
Boom. We married within months of meeting.
Most of the people I dated did not want that, at least with me. Most people can’t really put their finger on what they want in a partner or even why they want what they want. To be fair, it takes a lot of thinking to figure that out.
Be honest about what you think might be the reason for your desire to date. Do you…
- Want your person and genuinely want to be a good partner? Awesome! Much like what I went through, you’re going to have to do a lot of self-growth and find someone who wants that.
- Want to have a kid? You may be able to get a surrogate or set up a co-parenting situation instead of a relationship. I’d also suggest volunteering at an organization for child welfare to get a better idea of what it takes.
- Want a status symbol? A lot of men I was a "dirty little secret" to wanted the status of saying they were taken, but only by a girl who was deemed socially acceptable. You might as well be honest with yourself and others if this is what you want.
- Want company? Friends can offer that. You do not have to rely on a partner for that.
- Want someone to hook up with? A lot of people are looking for a hookup. You may need to recalibrate because this alone does not make a relationship a good idea.
Contrary to popular belief, women will not fix all your problems. They are not rehab centers for men. You will have to rehab yourself. Fix your search based on what you truly want.
8. You have to vet your partner — and protect yourself too
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Not all women are little perfect angels. A lot of my female friends are amazing people who simply yearn for the right guy to come along. However, I have seen some seriously horrific women in my day, too.
Men, you need to stop assuming that women are innocent all the time. Listen to your gut and watch for warning signs that she may not be as good as she appears to be. Oh, and if your friends warn you about a girl, listen to them.
Watch how her friends treat their partners and how they talk about the men in their lives. If you wouldn’t want to be in their shoes, run for the hills, my dude.
On an added note, a lot of guys have moaned to me about being baby-trapped or catching an STD, but let’s be real here. It takes two to tango. Did you bring your own protection? Did she just say she’s on the pill?
9. You can't put women on a pedestal and expect a real connection
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The most awful women I have ever met have all done this thing where they dangled the opportunity to be with them like a prize or a carrot to be won, then bashed men for not being able to shower them in presents or act like a workhorse.
Trust me when I say that if you put someone on a pedestal, they eventually will start to look down on you. See her as your equal, and if she acts like she’s better than you, see that for the character flaw that it is.
Over-idealizing your partner can lead to feelings of pressure, emotional detachment, and a diminished sense of self. Research supports that healthy relationships are built on equality and mutual respect, where individuals are valued for their authentic selves, not for idealized versions.
If you are emotionally mature, pick up after yourself, keep yourself in good shape, and are financially stable, you are a catch. Don’t forget that you have to sign off on being with her, too!
A man who is willing to walk away from a bad date with a simple, "I’m not feeling this, have a good one," is a man who has come into his own power like few others have.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
