7 Low-Key Signs You’re Basically Funding A Man's Comfort
RonaldPlett | Canva I once dated a guy who seemed easygoing, friendly, and effortlessly charming. At first, I thought I’d lucked out. He blended right into my social circle, got along with my friends, and made everything feel smooth and simple. I told myself this was what healthy relationships looked like.
A few months in, reality hit. Slowly, almost quietly, I realized I wasn’t just dating him, I was supporting his comfort. My friends became his friends. My time, energy, and emotional labor became resources he relied on. No one wants to feel used, especially by someone they care about. So if something about your relationship feels off, these low-key signs can help you spot when you’re basically funding a man’s comfort before it goes any further.
Here are 7 low-key signs you’re basically funding a man's comfort:
1. He leans hard on charm to get what he wants
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Everyone falls for a charmer, but the fact is that not all of them have good intentions. While some people are naturally charming because of their kindness and genial personality, others are charming in a way that is more selfish and opportunistic. If you find yourself in the presence of an exceptionally charming guy, keep your wits about you.
Some people literally use charm as their go-to manipulation move, according to research on manipulative personality types. It's not real warmth or kindness, but just a slick strategy they've figured out that gets them whatever they want from people.
2. He subtly twists situations in his favor
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The unfortunate brilliance of a manipulator is that they make it difficult for you to discern that you’re being manipulated. He knows how to flip a situation so that he’s never the one in the wrong.
Somehow, whenever he’s in deep water, he ends up coming out the other side as the victor. A good manipulator also uses his charm to his advantage to disarm the other person. That way, you’re almost blinded to his scheming.
Psychologist and relationship expert Dr. Carmen Harra explains that manipulators come across as insanely charming at first, but then have two totally different faces once you get close to them. The brilliant thing about manipulation is that they're so good at it that they can twist situations around to make you question your own reality and wonder if you're the problem instead of them.
3. He looks great on the surface, but his relationships never last
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You’ve fallen head over heels, and you think it’s the match you’ve been waiting for. You’ve heard a little bit about his romantic history, you’ve even seen a scorned ex or two, but by the way he’s treating you, you can’t picture him burning through you like he did the others.
But then you notice that his friendships don’t last long either. A person he called his "best friend" two weeks ago has suddenly been replaced. This signals that he doesn’t value relationships as much as you think he does.
Research found that people with these manipulative traits pick friends based purely on what those people can do for them, and they constantly stir up drama. They're not actually forming real friendships but using people like tools and tossing them aside when they're done.
4. He builds one-on-one relationships with your friends
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You’re relieved that you’ve found a guy who is not only great for you but also jives well with your friends. This seems like a plus because it can be really hard to find someone who likes your friends and who also earns their admiration. However, he’s doing so well with your social group that he starts hanging out with them when you’re not around.
This in itself doesn’t have to be a problem, but be careful. He may steal them (by using his charm and manipulative skills) from right under your nose. How sure are you that people will remain on your side if there’s a split?
5. He's selfish or uses you in other ways
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You can tell he’s leeching if he’s self-serving in other aspects of the relationship. When it comes to making plans with you, it is always according to his schedule and whenever he decides to get back to you.
When it comes to intimacy, the focus is all on his satisfaction and not yours. Because you’re falling for him, you might overlook these details, knowingly or unknowingly. But if he’s selfish and using you in one way, it’s only a matter of time before he takes it to the next level.
Research on narcissistic relationships shows that partners often describe intimacy as completely selfish and one-sided. Over time, the relationship becomes centered on what he wants and needs, while you’re left doing all the giving with nothing coming back.
6. He avoids commitment but keeps the perks
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You don’t want to pressure someone into committing to you, but he seems to be suspiciously avoidant of the topic. He’ll act like a boyfriend, but he won’t make the boyfriend commitment. This is a bad, bad sign.
It means he wants to reap the benefits of being in a relationship without actually doing the work or taking responsibility. Remember, a guy who likes you won’t hesitate or string you along.
Relationship coach Mitzi Bockmann explains that guys who don't want to commit will say they want to take things slow, but what they really mean is they're keeping one foot out the door. She points out that a guy who actually wants a real relationship jumps in with both feet and doesn't make excuses about needing more time to figure things out.
7. He keeps access to your friends even after the breakup
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All of these signs have added up in the worst way. You’ve finally decided that it’s best to keep your distance from him or just to let him loose entirely. Naturally, you think this means that you’ve put a boundary up and the friends you shared with him are now off-limits. He doesn’t see it that way.
After you’ve broken it off, he still hits up your friends (guys, and even worse, your girls). This is the epitome of adding insult to injury. Not only did he leech off of you while you were dating, but now that you’re not, he’s still trying to get his way.
Research found that narcissists totally ignore breakup boundaries and will use your friends to keep an eye on you or stay connected somehow. They actually think they have the right to anyone in your life, even after it's over, because those people still give them the attention and validation they think they deserve.
Next time you date or start a relationship with someone, check their selfishness levels. If they seem curiously high, you’ve got yourself a leech.
Taylor Markarian is a freelance writer and editor with a special interest in music, lifestyle, culture, the arts, entertainment, and literature. Her work has been featured in Reader's Digest, Fox News, Insider, BRIDES, Alternative Press, Loudwire, Kerrang!, and MSN, among many other publications.
