5 Subtle Lessons Women Learn Right Before They Meet Their One True Soulmate
Behaviors that signal a person is finally truly ready.
Daniel Xavier | Canva There are many lessons women learn about love, but many tend to ignore one lesson at their own peril. They fall in love, break up, then fall in love, break up — over and over — and never learn the why and how of it all. Finally, after learning five subtle lessons, they become ready to meet their one true love, a love that will last.
Love is complicated. It requires shared responsibility, maturity, and growth. It is not about one prince charming who is going to make everything better. If we keep doing the things we have always done, it can be hard for a true soulmate to appear. Instead, look for these lessons, priortize learning them, and invite in a soulmate who is ready for the deep, true love you both deserve.
Here are five subtle lessons women learn right before they meet their one true soulmate
1. If he is not in touch, he isn’t interested
How many times have we sat by our phones and waited, watching the screen for that text alert. Or turned on our phone after a movie, desperately hoping that there would be a message from the guy we like.
And how many times have we been disappointed?
Something that you must know about love is that a guy who isn’t communicating with you isn’t interested. Period. You can tell yourself he is busy, or he is out of range, or he is sleeping, but if he regularly goes silent on you, to reappear with excuses, he isn’t interested.
If they want to communicate with you or be with you, they will move heaven and earth to do so. And if they don’t, they won’t. A 2006 study found that communication skills were heavily associated with relationship satisfaction, as well as having a secure attachment style, high self-confidence, and problem-solving abilities.
Also, those guys who disappear and then reappear are most likely reappearing because they are bored or want something. Don’t let them fool you or suck you back in.
- Are you constantly making excuses for why guys don’t stay in touch?
- Do you believe they are ‘scared of their feelings for you’, or working too hard, or sleeping after a hard day?
- Are you ignoring that feeling in your gut, the one that knows that none of those things are true?
If yes, learn this lesson, women must learn and move on! Find someone who wants to be in touch with you!
2. Physical connection does not equal love
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There isn’t a single woman I know who hasn’t, at some point in her life, hooked up with a man because she wanted him to love her. And, almost without exception, despite what we see in movies — where people fall into bed right away and then fall madly in love — it just doesn’t work.
For many people, physical connection does not equal love. It might not even equal like. The Handbook of Closeness and Intimacy explained that early experiences in the family may shape future intimate relating, and the way intimacy and attachment processes are regulated in adult close relationships are shaped by individual differences in attachment style.
For women, physical intimacy is usually different. Physicality brings about an emotional connection, which is what women crave. As a result, women believe that if they are intimate with a man, not only will they be giving him what he wants, but they will also establish an emotional connection with him, and he will love them. Does it work that way? Usually no.
I have a client who recently told me it was time to be intimate with a guy because they had been spending a lot of time together, and she felt she owed him. So, she did. And what happened — he moved on!
The best reason to be intimate with a guy is when you want to. Beyond that, there are no guarantees. This is an important lesson women must learn about love before it's too late!
3. Clinging will only push him away
The worst thing a woman can do is get clingy with her man. We get clingy for a variety of reasons: jealousy, insecurity, fear of the unknown, and possessiveness. All of these feelings can exist for a reason, but if they manifest themselves with clinginess, you will drive your man away.
Why? Because no one likes to be clung too, especially men but women too. It makes us feel like we are responsible for another person's actions and feelings. It makes us feel like we have lost our freedom. It is exhausting if we have to process our emotions over and over in an effort to ease the clinginess.
Clinginess is not a good thing for either party.
It is important to know who you are in a relationship.
- Be yourself.
- Be honest.
- Be secure in his feelings for you.
If you can’t, then you need to address it head on, in a measured, temperate way. Not by getting clingy.
If you get clingy, your man will disappear. He may return if you can resolve your issues and no longer be clingy, but he will disappear again if it resumes. This time for good.
So, do some work on yourself. Make sure you are going into a relationship confident in yourself and knowing you will be OK if it doesn’t work out. Not easy, I know, but possible.
4. If you don't like yourself, it will make it harder for him to like you
So many of us go into relationships like hunks of clay, waiting to be molded into whatever shape is necessary to make a relationship work. We don’t know who we are outside of a relationship, and we feel that only by connecting with another person will we know who we are. It doesn't work this way.
It is important to know who you are in this world, especially as you go into a relationship. If you know who you are, what your beliefs and values are, what is important to you in every aspect of your life, what you can and can’t live without, then you will be the kind of person someone falls in love with. You will exude self-confidence, and you will attract someone you deserve.
If, conversely, you wait until you find a guy to figure out who you are or, even worse, change yourself for a guy, then you will end up unhappy and alone. Being anything other than yourself is a lie, and lies just aren’t sustainable. And a woman who is lying to herself will only attract guys who will lie to her.
A study in Personality and Individual Differences showed how "individuals who believe they are more competent relationship partners report engaging in higher levels of all five relationship-promoting behaviors, and these behaviors are then associated with greater levels of relationship satisfaction." So, know who you are in this world and find the guy you deserve.
5. If you break up, you will still be OK
This is something many of us simply do not believe. We believe that under no circumstances will we be okay alone. The world is a place for couples, and being single just isn’t acceptable.
As someone who spent five years alone, being alone is not only fine but awesome. Being alone means you get to rise and sleep when you want, never watch any sports program you don’t want to watch, never have to clean around the base of the toilet, or pick up laundry off the floor.
You can travel where you want and with whom you want. You can spend your money as you see fit. You are in charge of your universe.
Don’t get me wrong. I know being with someone is a wonderful thing. But being with someone because you don’t think you can be alone is not a wonderful thing. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love, respect, and cherish you is not better than being alone.
When you are with someone who doesn’t love, cherish, and respect you, then your life is full of angst, the moment-to-moment ups and downs of being at the mercy of someone else’s whims. This will cause you pain every day. Wouldn’t it just be better to be alone while watching Bridgerton?
There are many lessons women must learn about love before it’s too late, lessons many women ignore.
We all make mistakes in the search for love. We want it so badly, we are willing to do anything and compromise everything to have it. We tend to do the same things over and over and never learn.
One of the things you must know is that it's never too late to find love. Be who you are, do things because you want to do them, don’t compromise your self-worth, don’t let yourself be lied to. Be the strong woman you know you are and attract the love you deserve.
You can do it. I know you can.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, and Psych Central.
