7 Brilliant Ways To Connect With Any Man Using Just Your Words
It's a myth that men don't care about good communication.
PeopleImages by YuriA via Shutterstock Words are a crucial part of any relationship. This should be obvious, but communication is one of the most neglected aspects of relationships today. Part of the problem is that we're all taught to communicate differently — especially across genders — and that can make it seem like men don't care about talking. But when you use your words well, connecting with men can be easy.
Seven ways to build a deep connection with a man using just your words
1. Talk to him, not at him
Sitting down with your partner and talking can fall to the wayside. Sure, we talk on the fly, maybe as we run out the door, get ready for bed, or "over the kids’ heads" at dinner. But sitting down, looking each other in the eye, the way we used to, is something that often falls by the wayside. After a while, it feels like you're just talking at each other rather than to each other.
One of my best summers was in the middle of my marriage, when my husband and I started having a drink every night after work. That summer, we unwittingly took up the habit of having a glass of rum before we dug into our after-work phase. It was wonderful.
We talked about work, the kids, politics, and whatever was on our mind. It wasn’t meaningful stuff we talked about, but it was meaningful in how we sat there focused on each other. It was like it used to be when we were first dating. We were getting to know each other again.
2. Say what you need to say
pics five via Shutterstock
So many people think the best thing to keep a relationship strong is to swallow their words, and not say what they need to say about how they feel.
Many of us learned this from our parents or in our homes growing up. Often, people learned how not expressing our feelings is the key to keeping drama in the household to a minimum.
But, we mustn’t do this. We can't swallow our words and stuff our emotions down into our bodies. Instead of working hard to avoid drama, we can recognize we have something to say and to say it. The problem is, you always end up with drama anyway, because feelings need to go somewhere. Bottling them up means a problem later. So try to be clear, non-accusatory and express how you feel using "I" an "me" statements.
3. Express your emotions
I can’t tell you how many times I ask a client if they tell their spouse they love them, they respond “I don’t need to tell them, they already know.” I always say they are categorically wrong.
It’s important to tell your spouse you love them, they are attractive, and you appreciate all they do for you. Men may appear not to need effusive words like this, but most will tell you that when they hear them it's powerful.
How do you express your emotions? If you feel like you haven’t been telling your partner how you feel about them enough, stand up and do so now. You would make them feel great!
4. Tell the truth
This can be a tough one, I know.
Everyone tells little lies. Lies they think will keep someone from pain. Lies about something they don’t deem important enough to share. Lies to protect us from being attacked. Little lies are coping systems, which, unfortunately, are not great ones. Often, women are taught to soften their words or "beat around the bush" so as to not scare or overwhelm men, but that often backfires.
One of the best ways to build emotional connection in your marriage is to tell the truth. Tell it to your partner straight. You can even let them know, "Hey, I want to tell you the truth and not mess around with softening it or beating around the bush." Men, especially, value directness.
5. Say kind things about him to others
We use our friends to share our frustrations, help us process what is going on, and to give advice about the steps to take. Without our friends, what would we do? I get this 100%, but there is a difference between looking for support and talking down about our partners.
When I was married, I was the queen of speaking badly about my husband. I was unhappy in the marriage and talking bad about him made me feel somewhat better. The person I presented him as to my friends was not the person he always was. It was just the person he was when he was making me unhappy.
As a result, my friends didn’t like him and didn’t support me in my efforts to change things in my marriage. When he ultimately left me, none of them were surprised. None of them expected our marriage to last because of everything I had been saying for years. The only one who was surprised by the end of the marriage was me.
If you feel positively about the person you love, share it with your friends and family. Men love authentic praise as much as anyone else and it can help him feel closer to you! As a side benefit, it will also help you shift your own focus onto his positive traits and you may start noticing more and more wonderful things he does.
6. Focus on the problem, not on his character
Branislav Nenin via Shutterstock
While I might have spoken badly about my husband, I never once attacked him personally.
While I would treat him with contempt, ignore him, or yell at him, I never called him names. I never cursed him out. I never diminished who he was as a person. While I might have expressed my anger and frustration, I never attacked the person he was. Why? Because I knew, no matter how much he drove me nuts, he was a good person. He wasn’t an abuser, he was just a frustrating partner for me.
If you attack someone personally, you can never take it back. Even if you and your spouse make up after whatever conflict you were going through, they will never forget your assault on their character. It will always linger at the back of their minds, wondering if that is what you think of them. The feeling can fester and manifest in many ways, none of them good for your marriage.
Instead, focus on the problem. If he has a habit that frustrates you, focus on your own feelings in response to the habit. For instance, "When I find out about an event that I need to attend last-minute, I get panicked and stressed out and then I don't show up as my best self and you can probably sense my resentment."
Notice there's no mention of him springing things on her or being careless or selfish, it's just the problem and how she feels and reacts.
7. Remember good times from the past
One of the most fun communication exercises for couples is to simply talk about fun and exiting times from your shared past.
I have been with my husband for 8 years and I still love to talk about how we met and fell in love. Talking about what we did and how much fun we had. It was a magical time and re-living it is special. It reminds us of the reasons we fell in love, which is important during times when we aren’t feeling connected.
It's easy to lose sight of how bonded you were in the past, how much fun and spark you had between you. You can bring that back with sweet stories from the past — especially where he was the hero of the story!
I know, these things might seem overwhelming, especially if communication has not been a strength in your marriage, but you can do it.
At the very least, try one of the things listed, or stop doing one, whichever is appropriate. But make a shift in your marital communication to keep the relationship healthy and strong.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, and Psych Central.