The 20 Ingredients Women Need In Order To Fall In Love
Women spend a lot of time naming what they want in a man, but what they truly need can be less clear.
Romvy / Shutterstock I know — we women are very complicated.
While many men have pretty simple needs when it comes to choosing someone to fall in love with, for women, what we want is more detailed.
Why? Because we have spent a ton of time over the course of our lives identifying what we want in a man.
When we are young, we start out fresh and naive but, as the years go on, we take a lesson from every relationship that ultimately ends.
With our girlfriends, usually, we identify what was good and what was bad, what we want in a future partner and how to go about getting it.
We make a list and, with it in hand, we search for our perfect man.
Here are 20 things a woman needs from a partner to fall in love
1. Emotional intelligence
Women like to process their emotions. They like to dissect what is good and what is bad in a relationship. They want to be able to discuss with their partners what they are feeling without them trying to fix them. They want someone who can, in turn, process and communicate their emotions in a productive way.
2. Independence
Nobody wants someone who is clingy or needs to be with their person 24/7 or who finds their identity through their partner instead of on their own.
If you are someone who knows who they are and doesn’t need someone else to make them complete, you have one ingredient that women need in order to fall in love.
3. Financial stability
Now, don’t get me wrong. Women don’t need their men to be fabulously wealthy, although it is a bonus.
What women want is someone who knows the importance of properly managing money. Someone who has a steady job and can work alongside their partner in taking care of their wants and needs.
Someone they know will never rely on them for their financial needs. Women want to feel safe and having a financially stable man makes that happen.
4. Having done their work
One of the hardest things to do in the world is to identify what kind of issues you struggle with in your life. It can be even harder to take the steps to work on those issues.
Perhaps you still have baggage from an ex. Perhaps you had a rocky relationship with your parents. Perhaps you struggle with insecurity and/or anxiety.
Whatever your issues, a woman likes a man who has identified them and done the work on them. They don’t need to be completely fixed (are we ever truly fixed?) but being able to look at their issues and taking steps is key.
5. Not still hung up on an ex
How many times have you had a first date and found that your date works their ex into the conversation more than once?
Perhaps they talk about the good things about their ex. Perhaps they talk about the things about their ex that drove them crazy. Perhaps they talk about how devastated they were/are that their ex walked out on them.
Whatever they have to say, someone who is still thinking about their ex is someone we don’t want to be in a relationship with and definitely don’t want to fall in love with.
6. Flexible
By “flexible,” I mean not stubborn.
Someone who is willing to see the other side of someone’s position. Who is willing to do things differently, sometimes. Someone who doesn’t insist that things are a certain way and that way will never change.
When two people are in a relationship, it is key that they can work together to build the life that they want.
7. Up for adventure
There is nothing more unattractive than a man who wants to sit on the couch all day playing video games. (I am repeatedly surprised by how many men, of all ages, like to do this.)
Of course, this is ok on rainy days but every woman wants a man who is eager to get out of the house with them and do new things.
This doesn’t mean jumping out of an airplane (although it could) but it does mean stepping outside of the norm. Perhaps checking out a new museum or hiking a new trail or taking a weekend away someplace new.
No one likes to be bored. If you are up for an adventure, you have an essential ingredient that women need in order to fall in love.
8. Sense of humor
I know, there isn’t a dating profile out there that doesn’t say that someone is looking for a sense of humor. But what does that mean?
A woman wants someone who can make her laugh, who will laugh at themselves when they do something stupid. Someone who goes along with a situation even if they aren’t comfortable, who finds humor even in things that go wrong.
What I don’t mean by a sense of humor is someone who makes jokes. It takes a truly special joke to make a woman laugh so don’t put one in your message when you reach out on Hinge.
9. Ambition
Every woman likes a man who has ambition.
Having a man who is ambitious makes a woman feel safe. They know that their person knows what they want and that they will go out on a limb to get it. That person makes them feel safe, a key ingredient for falling in love.
10. No chemical dependency
This is a big one. Huge.
Women want a man who doesn’t have to rely on drugs and alcohol to live their everyday lives.
Sure, recreational use is fine but if you have any reliance on any mind-altering substance, unless they are too, a woman just won’t be interested.
11. Living independently
By living independently I mean not living with your parents.
What I mean is someone who is out of the house, set up in their own place (with roommates is ok) and able to take care of their daily wants and needs.
If you are looking for a woman to fall in love with you, get off your parent’s couch and get out of the house. Now.
12. Divorced, not separated
Maybe you are newly separated and dying to get back out there. Maybe you are lonely and just want to find someone new to be with.
And I get that – I have been there. But, truly, you won’t be ready to get into a relationship until you are well and truly divorced.
Sure, you are living on your own when you are separated, but you are still connected to your ex, working through emotions and finances. And it can be messy.
This doesn’t make you truly available and not very attractive. No woman wants to support her person letting go of someone else – she wants someone to focus on her, their relationship and the future.
13. Mutual attraction
Of course – the spark is important. It is an essential ingredient in any relationship and, truly, non-negotiable.
And the spark has to be mutual – that is key.
14. Sexual compatibility
You know the old saying: “Why would we buy a car without test-driving it?” After all, we need to know how it drives before we commit.
So too it is with women – we want to know that we can have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship before we fall in love.
A client of mine just met a new guy who she thought was THE ONE. And then they had sex and he had no interest at all in her having an orgasm.
She broke up with him the next day.
15. Shared interests
This one seems pretty obvious, I know, but you would be surprised how many couples try to commit to each other in spite of divergent interests.
You know the phrase — opposites attract. This is very much a thing and, in the beginning, very attractive.
But, as time goes on, having someone not share in the things that make you happy is someone with whom it’s hard to live happily ever after.
16. A healthy relationship with their extended family
This is an ingredient that many people, particularly young people, don’t recognize — the importance that their partner has a healthy relationship with their extended family.
Women want someone whose kids are talking to them, and who doesn’t have a ton of baggage around their relationship with their parents. Whose siblings love and respect them.
If someone doesn’t have these things, it points to some kind of behavior that is destructive and sad and just not appealing.
17. Similar media consumption
Media consumption ... in this era of binge-watching, having someone who likes to watch the same shows as you do is very important.
Of course, it doesn’t have to be every show — I don’t force my boyfriend to watch "The Bachelor" or my End of the World movies but we do have our shows that we watch together, regularly.
Similarly, successful couples consume social media in a similar way. If one person is on their phone all the time and the other isn't and doesn't want to be, conflicts will definitely arise.
18. Well-matched political affiliations
This isn’t one that I would have included a few years ago but now it’s an essential ingredient that women need in order to fall in love.
I won’t get into the details but we all know that political incompatibility can lead to some serious disfunction and mistrust.
If your girlfriend stands strong on the right to life and you don’t, while it might seem manageable now, in the long term it could tear your relationship apart.
19. No pet allergies
Women love their pets. Their pets are always there for them, they show them love and they never let them down.
If a potential love match has pet allergies, it’s definitely a strike against them.
I know that you can’t control your allergies but just know that they are something that women consider before falling in love!
20. Someone who loves them madly
This is the number one ingredient that a woman needs in order to fall in love — someone who is madly in love with them, who knows their love language and who is committed to learning how to speak it.
Someone who tells us they love us regularly, who shows up with flowers, who is kind and loving and supportive. Someone who makes us feel safe and adored every day.
This one you can do if you truly love your woman. Show her and tell her every day. She will fall madly in love with you in return if you do!
Again, every woman is different and doesn’t require every ingredient on this list but being aware of what they are is the key to a man’s success at getting her to fall in love with him.
So, take note of these things. Work to make changes if necessary. Recognize your strengths and put them to work.
The woman of your dreams is out there. If you find her, do the work and get her to fall in love with you as much as you are with her.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.